Letters to Daughters

I'm a little behind on self-reflection. It's been one of the busiest summers that I can remember! We moved into a new house and celebrated our girls turning 3 and 1. They are absolute joy and absolute craziness all at the same time.

If I had had the wherewithal to write those nice birthday letters that some parents do (my plan to write one every year and give them all to my daughters on their 16th birthday is a little bit behind), they would have gone something like this.

July 11, 2014
My dearest Esa Elisa Madeleine Elisa Cake Chocolate Cake Bagel Chun,
That is the name you have given yourself at the age of 3. So full of ideas, zeal, spunk and wit and your own nutty class of humor. You are a delight. You are also a handful. You announced right after you turned 3 that you wanted to say "bye-bye to diapers" and that was that. Despite all my best efforts and bribery, it never worked until you chose to do it. We have never looked back, and your resolve and decisiveness will be incredibly useful qualities to you later in life. Right now, they make me and your dad struggle over how strong-willed and stubborn you can be, with your own ideas, fears, and thoughts like your only reality. My dear girl, I know you will grow out of the ones that are not from God. I know you will overcome fear, realize your beauty both inside and out, and I pray that you will become confident knowing that you are loved beyond all measure, just as you are. I love you for your feisty spirit, your complicated, analytical mind, your opinions, your silliness, your desire to show who you are to the world right now by trying to do everything without my help. You have grown into the greatest big sister I could have ever wished for for our dear Cara Belle, and my heart is overcome with joy knowing that the two of you will have each other long after childhood.

And as I looked at you today on your third birthday, I realized that you are no longer a baby. This is the age where you have become a kid, holding hands with your friends at the Merry Go Round instead of me, and giggling with delight every time we went up and down and you took a peek at your friends' faces doing the same. That is one of the best memories of my life - seeing your pure, unbridled joy at this wondrous but simple pleasure. You bring me so much joy. And even on the hard days, when you've complained that you didn't have three different types of cereal for breakfast with oatmeal, pancakes, and yogurt on the side, I will remember how much I love you right now. My dear Esa, my prayer for you has always been that you grow into a mighty warrior for God's kingdom, full of boldness, passion, and an evangelical spirit. May your excitement have no limits.

Love,
Mommy


August 7, 2014
To my Car-Car,
My sweet girl, what an amazing little blessing you are to us, and despite the challenge and sleeplessness that this year has brought, I have tried so hard to revel in each stage of your infancy. Now I am sad that you are moving up in the world, climbing and crawling your way to toddlerhood, trying to get there without my help. Why are you so big already? Sometimes I look at you and I can no barely remember how it felt to first hold you in my arms as a tiny newborn, except that I know that your labor was quick and as easy as they come, and holding you right after you were born was definitely one of the best and most emotional moments of my life.

And as you grew, we noticed that your hair got curlier and cheeks got more kissable and lovable each day, and you became this little dumpling of a human being that I've had the privilege of loving and caring for since you came into this world. Your mannerisms already remind me so much of your daddy - the way you sleep so easily, the way you are cuddly and affectionate, the way you are generally so easygoing and agreeable until you get upset and then BOY are you really upset. You have his general skill for throwing things (right now, food from the high chair goes a long way) and you chose the baseball to his delight at your dol. But what I also sense, and have sensed from day 1, is that you are going to be a dear friend, just like your name. I already see the way you love your sister - that she, in her silliness, is the only one who can make you laugh with that high-pitched squealy laugh that you do. And that you are going to be a mighty counselor to those around you, and that your care for them will be sincere, sweet, and so important. I am already proud of you for being a loving human being. At the ripe age of 1, you have already won your way deep into my heart. I look forward to going into your room to get you every time you wake up. Most of the time these days, you're standing and grabbing onto the bars of the crib and bouncing like they are the walls of a discoteque, your little curls flapping up and down. You are a gem, and I hope you'll always know how amazing we think you are. In your unknowing way, you've made us a family - you've completed us into feeling like we are one unit that is strengthened in being together and living together and loving each other, no matter how tough it can be every day. I love you so much, Miss Curly, and I can't wait to see what this next year brings for you.

Love,
Mommy

Another plague.

And just when our household couldn't take anything else, another virus comes our way. This time? Hand, foot, mouth disease. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? I picture limbs falling off and other kinds of horrific imagery. E kept complaining about her tongue hurting last week, and wouldn't eat very much. Then I noticed a mild fever and the tongue complaint got worse. When I asked her to stick out her tongue, I noticed 2 or 3 white sores and immediately thought it might be HFM. The funny thing is that the next day she seemed completely better, and was eating and back to her normal happy self. A mild fever seemed to come and go, but really the victim in all of this has been....ME.

With about a dozen sores in my mouth, I spent about three days not being able to talk or eat much at all. I had hubby fetching me green smoothies to get some sort of nutrition in my system, but did not feel guilty at all on the day that I basically had a milkshake for dinner. I guess when adults get this bug, it is way worse than the way kids get it, maybe like the chicken pox in that way. I stepped on the scale the other day to discover that I had lost 8 pounds even despite the milkshake dinner. The pain was really severe - I would often tear up while attempting to brush my teeth, and felt pretty despondent after several meals that I could not really eat at all. It was the first illness that I've even remotely compared to the worst pain in my life (childbirth, of course!)

Now we are all better, and headed on our only vacation for the year - a trip to Seattle to see our dear nephew Baby N, who will no longer be a baby after this birthday! Wow, what a milestone!

War.

We are just about through one of the most trying weeks ever. Last week, E kept waking up with more and more bugbites all over her body. At first, I thought - maybe spiders? Mosquitos from playing outside at school? But it didn't make sense - they just kept appearing. By Friday of last week, she had about 20 bites all over her torso and was scratching until several of them were bleeding. My heart was breaking as she kept waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, "Itchy! Mommy! ITCHY! ITCHYYYYYY!!!!!"

Last Friday, I sent them to daycare so I could get to the bottom of this and do a little housekeeping. I decided to change her sheets and vacuum the whole house. And as I lifted up her mattress to do some vacuuming under the bed, that's when I saw the little bug crawling around on her bedframe. A bedbug.

My skin started crawling. I yelped and tried to vacuum it up. It got away. I shook the frame around and there it was again, and this time I sucked it into the vacuum cleaner with a vengeance. This meant war.

While I put all the sheets in a hot wash, I dragged her little toddler Ikea mattress out to trash and tidyed up the rest of the house, then battled Friday afternoon traffic to get to Ikea in Burbank to get a new mattress. Luckily, our landlord was sympathetic and super-responsive, and sent an exterminator out the next morning to do an inspection. They indeed found some signs of bedbugs in our living room and in the girls' room. As we eagerly waited for them to come back and spray our house with nasty pesticides on Monday morning, E woke up the next day with more and more bites. On Sunday morning, we decided to go to the beach to escape the hot weather and lift everybody's spirit. She came back with more bites. They were in our car too.

I know it's in vogue to be all organic and anti-pesticide, but when bugs are biting your toddler and you have absolutely no control over it, I honestly didn't care what they sprayed on our house and in our car. They could have sprayed Agent Orange all over the place and I probably would have been ok with that. I felt so helpless, watching my poor girl scratch and scratch, miserable and whiny all day long.

The exterminators came on Monday, and today is Friday. E has not gotten any new bites since. The strange thing is that she is the only one who was victimized by these terrible pests - C, who shares a room with her, and whose crib is right next to her bed, was untouched by this whole thing. It still doesn't make any sense to me, except that maybe her eczema was some kind of deterrent to them, and the fact that our crib mattress is a waterproof one that has a sort of vinyl outer cover on it. I have no idea, but hopefully this will be the end of this whole thing.

In the meantime, I have done about 20 loads of laundry this week, washing everything that could be washed in the living room and girls' room in hot water and drying on high heat.  I have washed jackets that we haven't worn in months, stuffed animals, diaper bags, car seat covers, baby carriers, blankets, burp cloths, and everything else possible. And what did I find in one load of laundry as I dumped it onto our bed to be folded?

A dead bedbug. I felt a sinister triumph over it. If this is woman vs. nature, well, this woman is determined to win.

Day 40.

It's Day 40 today. I think that I have undoubtedly felt more reflective during this time, even though I didn't always have the energy to write very much at a time. And it is nice to know that there are some things that I can actually do for 40 days. At the end of this 40 days, I feel like we are still in a tough season of childrearing, but also a joyous one. And for me personally, my body may be exhausted most of the time, but my spirit is satisfied and blessed beyond all measure.

Today was a little bit of a rough day as I wasn't able to sleep very well last night. My own fault, not so much the kids. I am not good with uncertainty, and the house hunt is not for the faint of heart. There is a downward spiral in starting to question where you should live and why and how this will affect your career, kids, life, etc. My mom used to tell me that I think too much, and indeed I do. That's why Paul is such a good match for me - he leaves everything ultimately in God's hands rather than harping on anything, and me being the worry wart that I am, need his strength in this regard.

I felt today that God asked me multiple times, "Do you really trust me? Do you?" While it's easy to say, especially with a major life change like buying a house, I know that I falter and waver in this area, particularly when thinking about my own job and career track. My brother reminded me of something I told him a long time ago, and it's time to follow my own advice - pursue fulfillment artistically, and God will lead you.

So off I go - no more blogging for a little while - instead, practicing, getting my nails and callouses back in working order, and new programming. I'm excited. See you soon and thank you for being on this journey with me.

End Day 40.

Home.

I guess some things were just never meant to be. Our first bid on a house came and went - and we weren't even close! Ha. Oh well. It was worth a shot anyway.

Tonight, after we heard the news, E was snuggled on my lap reading a book with me. Aiko curled up next to us and Paul came down after putting the baby down and we all just sat together in this cuddly position and read Go Dog Go a few times through, with E pointing out all the sight words that she knows. And I thought to myself, this is what a home is. It's really something that no money can buy.

End Day 39.

Waiting, again.

And now we wait.

End Day 38.

Decision time

I am always surprised by how quickly my hubby can make decisions. Today, we finally had a moment where we walked into an open house and knew it was everything we were looking for. Most of this whole home buying process has thrown us lots of loops at how we each make decisions, what appeals to us, and how our family history has colored this search.

I'm not getting too attached yet, but am excited that there is now at least one place that we can see ourselves making a home in. And what a home it would be.

End Day 37.

Somehow

Had an amazing day of teaching today, mostly because I was actually fully awake. Not because the kids didn't get up last night, but because I went to bed before 9. Amazing. Felt like a normal person again. We got black out curtains. I hope they improve everybody's sleep somehow. Someway, somehow.

End Day 36.

Fruit.

I am slowly seeing my two year old turn into a three year old. Lately, she has been way less clingy to me and her behavior is improving for the most part. She has a vivid imagination and can spend hours acting out scenes from our everyday life. And although preschool dropoff is still a cryfest, it must be helping her mature and learn tons of new things. I already feel that she's a different kid than she was a month ago, and it's beautiful to see.

We had a lovely day together, with the baby on good behavior too, taking three solid naps. What a delight they are.

End Day 35.

Wearing out

We saw three houses today - the first was a large restored craftsman in Boyle Heights, the second in a quiet part of Chinatown with no parking, and a tiny place on a hillside in SL with a view of the 5 freeway. All were such different slices of LA, and we were unimpressed by all of them.

I also spent an unusual amount of time driving in traffic today. The city is wearing me out today.

End Day 34. Almost to the end. I am getting tired of reflection.

Wait.

Sometimes when you're waiting on God for something, the right answer is to do just that. Wait.

I'm not good at waiting. I like action. I like crossing things off the checklist, feeling like progress was made, being productive with my time. In fact, I thrive on this, perhaps too much so. But sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to just stop trying to control everything and wait on God for the right time.

End Day 33.

Extra bone.

Apparently my hubby has an extra bone in his foot. It started aggravating him this weeekend and he was in a lot of pain. He went to see the doctor today and came home with a big blue cast on his foot. We had no idea there was an extra bone in his foot until today. He just woke up one day and it started hurting. Strangest thing ever.

End Day 32.

Joy

I need to work on doing everything joyfully. No matter how much there is to do and how little sleep I've gotten. I am still blessed beyond all measure. Now I need to act like it.

End Day 31.

Easter Sunday

I love Easter Sunday. I love seeing joy on people's faces, I love seeing an auditorium full of people celebrating Jesus, and I love seeing everyone in their Sunday best, considering how casual our culture is. Our girls sat in on service with us, and it was sort of like being on an airplane, trying to keep them sitting next to us and quiet. Luckily, the kids ministry gave out goody bags and crayons to keep the big one busy, and the little one was pretty good for the most part despite wanting to crawl all over the not so clean floor of the Hollywood Palladium.

The best part of my day was seeing them have their first taste of worship. E enjoyed clapping after every song, and dancing in the aisles when the music came on. Her little sister followed her lead, bouncing in her daddy's lap and clapping enthusiastically. I couldn't help but laugh at seeing the pure delight they were experiencing. He is risen indeed.

End Day 30.

Calling.

More house hunting today. So many issues are swirling around in my mind as we go through this process. Finding where you live when you have kids can be so complicated. Race, class, neighborhood, safety, convenience, schools - I am probably overthinking the whole thing, but at the same time I don't think I am. The most important question I think, more so than the schools or the distance to hipster establishments, should be - where does God want us to live out our calling as a family? I think this is ultimately what I am struggling with during these 40 days of blogging.

More thoughts on this another day. For now, time to unwind by lying down and listening - to the beautiful silence of post-bedtime.

End Day 29.

Empowerment

Every time hubby leaves town for work, something in our house breaks. Yesterday it was the toilet. I plunged it, successfully. I was really proud of myself.

Favorite phrase of the day:

E: Where's Daddy? I don't know what's going on with him.

End Day 28.

No bunnies, please.

I wasn't raised with any Easter traditions. Somehow Easter has become synonymous with baked hams and egg hunts, and call me crazy, but I tend to shy away from all that because it seems so unrelated to the day. But I would like to have some kind of family tradition for Easter dinner, a meal that seems to be significant as a celebration. I think fish would be appropriate since that was Jesus' first breakfast after the resurrection. Will have to think on it for Sunday. Asking God to prepare me spiritually for Easter, and hoping for some kind of stillness to meditate on the real meaning of what Christ did for me.

End Day 27.

Gratitude.

I had a rare moment alone today after I ran an errand in Santa Monica. It was refreshing to be out on such an idyllic 70 degree day, with the kids at daycare and my music blasting as loud as I wanted on the drive. I called up an old friend from high school to share brunch with and see her new baby, and as I waited for the take-out to be ready, I walked down to the beach and sat looking out at the water.

In that moment, I felt such incredible gratitude - for my health, my family, and even our never-ending house hunt. All the things stressing me out seemed to fade away, and as I sat there lost in thought, watching a family of four walk by. They were clearly tourists, and the two girls looked about two years apart. They were in their early tweens, and were arguing about something silly but giggling with each other as their parents oogled over the view of the ocean. It made me think of what my own little family will be like in 10 years, traveling places, having our own inside jokes, and just enjoying each other's company. I look forward to that time so much, but don't want my babies to grow up either. Sometimes I hold my girls and just think to myself, "Please just let me bottle you up at this age and don't ever change."

The hardest thing about parenting for me is knowing how to cherish it. It is so much work. But when I think about the best moments with each of them today - watching C crawl across the room with a big smile on her face, and listening to E sing to herself as she tries to fall asleep - I am just overwhelmed with gratitude. His mercies are new every morning.

End Day 26.

Angry Baby

Poor Baby C is having a rough time. Since I have spring break this week, I opted to keep her home from daycare so I could spend a little more time with her while E was at school. This morning she proved to be pretty worked up about something or other, because she kept making this high-pitched squealing noise. She continued to do this version of baby whining most of the day, and was pretty darn tired as she took four naps. What kind of 8 month old takes 4 naps a day? I think she may have slept more today than she was awake!

Besides the physical ailments right now, which definitely indicate she is still getting over whatever cold virus she has had in all its mutated forms for nearly three weeks, she is clearly developing some very strong emotions. For such a chill and easy baby, she certainly has opinions now about where she wants to go and what she wants to play with. She makes a beeline for all electrical cords, dirty shoes, remote controls, and anything else that we don't want her playing with, and when these things are taken away, she screeches like a banshee. Clearly, little Baby C is sending a message to us - that she is tired of being second and is ready to assert her individuality. Well, we are listening.

End Day 25.

Cowboy Dan

Whenever we consider a new neighborhood, Paul does a search for "Korean food" or "dim sum." Maybe our priorities are messed up, but that's just what we do. Today in briefly considering a pocket of OC, we did this search and it turned up things like Happi House and Cowboy Dan's Extraordinary Jerky Shop. I almost peed my pants laughing.

Regardless to say, I'm not sold on the OC just yet.

End Day 24.

Mad Men

Skipped my shower today so I could watch the season premiere of Mad Men. There's only so much time between the kids' bedtime and mine. It was worth it, I think.

Today I want to uproot. Maybe to somewhere that has the appeal that CA had in the late 60's.

End Day 23.

This Too Shall Pass.

I will never take our health for granted. E has had a strange cold for two weeks now. Every day the symptoms are different - it started with a mild fever, and over the course of the last two weeks, she has had watery/crusty eyes, runny nose, sore throat, cough, diarrhea, and today back to a mild fever. Only one symptom shows up every day, so life has been mostly normal, but today's mild fever made her very cranky until we drugged up her juice with some Benadryl. I am hoping tomorrow she is completely better from this one. Little Miss Curly is on the mend and has been such a trooper through her milder symptoms of what I can only assume is the same thing. It seemed to affect her digestive system most of all, and a mild runny nose and cough too. I have had it just as bad, with severe coughing fits and a phlegmy cough that I seem to get every year. The champion in all this is my lucky hubby, who didn't get it at all, and whose immune system seems to be better than all three of ours combined.

I can't taste or smell anything right now because of my cold, which is sad. We've had several of my favorite meals within the past 48 hours, and nothing tastes like anything. I might as well just eat plain tofu or cauliflower all day. I jokingly said I should eat the healthiest stuff possible since I can't taste it anyway, which I didn't do at all. Instead, today after work I was in some kind of weird binge mood. So I went to the hot dog joint across the street and devoured a sausage, fries and coke even though I couldn't taste any of it. My flesh just wanted to do the opposite of what I knew was good for me. I sometimes feel that I deserve whatever I want because I so seldom get to tend to myself. This could mean a sausage and fries binge or a $78 t-shirt. Not sure what to make of my strange behavior, but it's probably not good.

I then sat on the patio of the restaurant and watched cars drive by while totally zoning out. A sort of out-of-body experience. Definitely felt like I wasn't really participating in anything, maybe because I couldn't taste my food. I was just eating it to not be hungry. And so it made me want to just be an invisible bystander since I didn't feel like I was experiencing life. A sort of existential moment or something.

Ok, that's all the brain power I have to compare my life to French philosophy. End Day 22. Please end.

Army Crawling.

C started army crawling this week. If you put a toy in front of her, she squirms her little body this way and that way until her arms get involved, her little elbows doing the work to get her where she wants to be. At this age, E was just starting to crawl backwards. They are such different little girls - C much more dense and hefty than E was as a baby; E dainty and girly. I think C is going to be what Daddy has always wanted - a little jock to throw a ball around with.

End Day 21.

Fix it up.

Now we're thinking about a fixer upper. A friend of mine advised me, "Buy the worst house in the best area." I thought I did not have the capacity to entertain this notion, but after stumbling upon an open house for a 3BR/2BA in a great school zone and beautiful neighborhood but absolutely disgusting condition, I started thinking that the $100K discount might actually be worth it. Probably not this particular one since it had no yard and was built into the hillside with amazing views but no walkability, but we'll see.

So many things in flux right now, and sleep has generally been so good this week that I can just taste normal life around the corner.

End Day 20.

Moths.

We have a moth infestation in our house right now. It makes me really mad. They sit on the walls and try to blend in, and I try to kill as many of them as possible while they are doing this. I don't know where they are coming from. In the evenings, they come to life and we run around swatting them. They're not very fast. Moths, unlike butterflies, are colorless and drab. If I had a butterfly infestation in my house, I might actually enjoy it because they are pretty. But these poor creatures lack color, and so they are labeled pests.

That's all the poetry I can wax right now. I've got a nasty cold that's exhausting me, despite the better sleep that we have been getting lately.

End Day 19.

Greener grass.

Sometimes it is easy to forget how long it took to be able to do some of the things I do well. There was a time when I couldn't imagine ever giving a solo recital, let alone traveling and getting paid for it as part of my career. There were long days in the practice rooms and frustrating moments. Now I look fondly on those days and wonder what I could learn or accomplish if only I had that kind of time again. When I was a student, all I wanted was to be done with school, and now that I'm not one, I miss that time. I think. Sorta.

I hung out with a bunch of single girls from church the other day. Two of them were coming from a yoga class, and the other two were about to take a jog around the lake. I had my two munchkins with me, one of which was tired and fussy, the other of which was tired and whiny. You can guess who was who. While my friends all oogled over the babies, I oogled over how relaxed and carefree they seemed. There was a time in my life where on a given Friday morning I might have gone to a yoga class and taken a leisurely jog around the lake. But no more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, and I'm working on trying to love being in this moment of juggling all the different facets of my life. It is not a carefree one, but it is a rich one. I don't want to live my life always wishing for another season of it. So I am learning to be here in the present, loving this time when my kids are little, savoring each hug, each new skill, each new discovery, and all the guitar playing in between.

End Day 18.

Spring Heat Wave

It was nearly 90 degrees today. I should be used to the fact that we get random heat waves all the time in LA, but it always surprises me. We went for a little walk around the neighborhood after dinner and it felt like a balmy summer night. E was lost in her imaginative world, picking up twigs on the sidewalk, and rambling on and on in partial gibberish with words interspersed like "meatballs," "took a bath," "went all by myself," "lots and lots of vegetables." We sat down on one of the hidden Silverlake staircases and looked out at the city. It was beautiful tonight with the view of the huge palm trees and the downtown skyline.

I love our neighborhood and feel so glad that E has spent her early years here, surrounded by so much beauty. Yes, LA is beautiful in certain pockets. And we are glad to be in one of them. Feeling nostalgic about it if we do end up moving.

End Day 17.

Being skinny.

In the past week, several people have remarked to me that I look "skinny." I was partially taken aback by these comments because I haven't necessarily noticed it myself, but then again I probably don't look in the mirror more than once a day really. I have noticed that my pants are too big, but this was more of an annoyance because I don't have time to go shopping anymore. So yes, I guess I am losing weight, although I have done very little to try to do so besides carrying my kids around all the time and attending an Pop Physique class every once in a blue moon.

I've never thought of myself as "skinny" and having been called this a few times now, I felt like it was such a foreign label for my body. I have always been kinda curvy for an Asian woman. I am not embarrassed that I have hips and boobs, and while every woman desires to be thinner, I have always been pretty comfortable in my body even in those seasons when I ate a little too much Korean BBQ. Even now at eight months, there are clearly hormonal changes still going on because C is nursing less often than she used to. I've noticed these past few weeks that my hair is shedding less and I am getting pimples again. Probably the best side effect of pregnancy was having really clear skin. Oh well. They say that it takes about as long to lose the postpartum weight as pregnancy, so we're close. But I thought to myself - I'm still in the postpartum season? It takes SO long to just be normal again!

And while many women would love to be called skinny, I can't help but feel like in some respects I could care less. Because while I want to look and feel good (who doesn't?) I have little choice but to put myself and my own needs last now and it's surprising that during all the times that I wanted to lose weight in my life, the one time where I don't really care quite as much it just happens. (Thank you, breastfeeding.) Funny how that is.

End Day 16.

Floor nap.

Last night was a bad night. So at work today, I took a nap on the floor of my studio for about half an hour. It was heavenly. Paul took the kids to an open house, but they both fell asleep on the way there. He pulled over and took a nap too. God provided just enough rest when we all needed it. We even had energy to go out to dinner with some old friends with a five month old baby. It was refreshing to see them.

I have learned that I am an extremely extroverted introvert. I need to be around people and have meaningful conversations to have energy and feel happy about life. I have such little energy to make plans with people these days so when I do get to see good friends I realize how worth the trouble it is to take the kids out with us and just do it.

End Day 15.

Sweet relief, just for a day.

I knew it. I knew there was hope! C slept all the way through the night, 7pm to 6am. E slept pretty well too, though it took her almost until 9:30pm to fall asleep. She must have napped well at school. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD.

End Day 14.

Love.

Throughout the day, God has been reminding me of his simple love for me - that He has always provided for us, always had perfect timing, always given us hope and cared for us to no end. Sometimes when you're overwhelmed and haven't gotten good sleep in months, it can feel like everything is falling apart. But it isn't. Oh, how He loves us.

End Day 13.

Exhaustion.

I am spent. Skipped work today because C had diaper rash that was so bad it was bleeding, and I couldn't bear to put her in daycare. I think she has a funky stomach virus because she pooped about 7 times today, and each time kicked and screamed like she was being tortured as I changed her diaper. Poor little girl. I hope it all passes soon. Meanwhile, E had crusty, swollen eyes and I feared it was pink eye. I took her to the doctor and she gave us a prescription for some eyedrops. I was so proud of E for not crying as the doctor examined her. Pretty sure she got it from the church nursery because there were about 30 kids in there this week for some reason, and half of them were crying. I noticed it on Monday, though it sort of went away yesterday, but today was back and a little worse. She also had some funny rashy bumps on her torso, which freaked me out, but P said was probably just the virus doing its thing. They probably both have the same virus but it is just exhibiting different symptoms. I find that this happens all the time having two little ones now. Like every three months or so they have something. Praying that everyone heals up by tomorrow because I have a backlog of students to teach and I could sure use a break, and going to work is SO much easier than staying home for a day.

It's hard to know how to pass the time when you have sick kids that aren't really acting sick. Too sick to go where there are a bunch of other kids, but not sick enough to stay home all day. We spent most of the morning in Griffith Park with our neighbor friends, and I was so thankful to be out with them enjoying the beautiful cool weather. We did a short hike, had lunch at the lovely Trails cafe, and then had to coax them back to the car, which took about an hour. I don't know how E wasn't totally exhausted at the end of that - she was in a fantastic mood as we went to the doctor, but a few hours later had a total meltdown because she was trying to make a 3x9 rectangle with her alphabet blocks, but there were only 26 of them of course, and the fact that there was one missing in her little formation made Miss OCD completely upset. I could do nothing but listen to her crying, "Where's the last one? It's open! Close it! CLOSE IT!" C and I walked around the house just to get a break from the insanity.

Last night I played some Bach (D major Cello Suite, from memory) just to get my fingers on the guitar again. Haven't practiced since my last concert three weeks ago. It feels bad. But everything is so utterly exhausting lately. I'm trying to keep up with all the housework since Paul is working so much. E created "Pretend Daddy" who plays outside with her. It's a little odd. And sad.

So far they are sleeping beautifully tonight. I'm now going to have a beer and catch up on a rerun of something or other.

End Day 12.

Sister love.

I've managed to have some good one on one time with each of my girls lately. On Saturday, Paul takes E to swim class, so I get to have Little Miss Curly all to myself for the morning. Then on Monday, E woke up with what I thought was a really bad cold and fever. But after she took a 20 minute nap on me in the glider, she bounced back to her normal self and all her symptoms went away. It was really strange. I sent C to daycare that day so she wouldn't be so directly exposed to what her sister had, so it was unusual to have just E home with me that day. We ended up having a lovely day together, although every now and then she would turn to me confused and ask, "Hey, where's Baby Cara?"

On both days, I realized that this whole parenting thing is hard because there are two of them. Toddler was way better behaved having all the attention. And baby was way better stimulated with all the attention I was giving her. Sometimes I feel like I'm selling them both short not being able to attend to all their needs on my own, which makes me sad. But I know their closeness will be worth it.

When they see first see each other after being apart for a little while, they smile and giggle at each other for a good five minutes. Then E tries to give her sister all kinds of things, like multiple blankets, non-baby safe toys, and necklaces with small beads. Lovely. They also do this funny screaming thing that I think girls only do with their sisters. And just when I think I have really had it with room sharing - E was screaming after bath today because she got a paper cut at school, which woke the baby up - we close the door and I hear E saying, "It's ok Baby Cara. They're going to come back soon. Just close your eyes." The crying fades away and turns to laughs and giggles. And Paul and I turn to each other and sigh.

End Day 11.

Oops.

First violation. Forgot to blog yesterday. Was too busy getting everything ready for.... E's first day of preschool! Drop off went swimmingly.  Hoping she has a great day today.

End Day 10.

Home.

Today we went to three open houses. The kids were champs through it all, despite how many times we pulled them in and out of the car through the heat of an 80 degree afternoon. One house was too small, one house was too big, one house was too weird.

E is starting to love open houses. But when I asked her which house was her favorite of the day, she paused and then thoughtfully said, "The Benton house."

There's no place like home. End Day 9.

On cities.

Driving home from work today, I thought about all the reasons that I want my kids to grow up in an urban environment. I didn't really grow up in one, but I spent my most formative years in the city of all cities - New York City, of course, and somehow seem to have permanently fallen in love with the idea of The City. Why the city, one might ask, when you have two small kids? Don't you want bigger spaces, clean strip malls, neatly manicured neighborhoods of houses that all look the same?

I really don't, to be honest. There is something about living in places where everything looks the same that makes me feel really uninterested and uninspired. I love the mix of things that you find in cities - varied architecture, hole-in-the-wall ethnic food, hipster bodegas, people of all different backgrounds and corners of the world. Maybe it's idealistic of me to think that all those things can still go together well while raising a family, but I think it's possible here, and I believe God loves cities and all of the diversity that makes them up. 

After all, Jesus wept for Jerusalem (Luke 19:41) - not for the suburbs. Cities can be broken and sinful, but they need salt and light. That's our highest calling. 

End Day 8.

The World's Longest Day

Today must have been the world's longest day. Baby was up at 5:30am, right before hubby left for the train. She took short naps today too, three naps about an hour each (that's short for her!). Toddler was tired by noon but would not nap even when we were in the car for 20-30 minutes. She insisted on listening to Magic Flute arias instead and critiqued each performance by saying, "She's a good singer" or "I no like this one."

Funny how slowly time goes by when you're watching kids on your own and you have no set plans for the day. It crawls by. At 10:15am, I thought, surely it must be lunch time. I'd better cook something. And by 4:30, we were eating dinner already - a TJ's frozen pizza which E rejected. (What kind of toddler rejects pizza? Picky food phase is making me crazy.)

Hubby's train will not get into nearly 10 tonight. The one day he was home this week, our cleaner was here and so were the kids, making the home office nearly impossible to work from. We need to move, but where? I am not done here in LA. E starts preschool next week. We love it here. We are not done.

So today, we went for a walk, with C in the Ergo and E running along beside me. I told them about the very first prayer walk we ever took down our street. It was right after we put an application down for our house. We prayed for the neighborhood and prayed that this would be our home, and God answered. So today we took the same walk and prayed again - Lord, guide us to where you want us to live. Please.

The world's longest day may actually bear some fruit. End Day 7.

Open House

Today on an afternoon walk, E and I stumbled upon an open house in our area. "Ooh, an open house," I said. "Open house!" she repeated enthusiastically, having no idea what it meant.

We walked over to the house and decided that it was perfect. Two bedrooms on the ground floor, each with their own bathroom, and a top floor with a loft bedroom and open bathroom, and a detached garage that had been converted into an office space. Beautiful views of Silverlake and on one of the prettiest streets in the neighborhood. As I looked in each room, E would repeat my reaction with utmost excitement.

Me: "Gorgeous bathroom."
E: "Gorgeous!"
Me: "Whoa, look at this walk-in closet."
E: "How cool!"
Me: "There's another floor up there."
E: "Look at these steps!"

Exactly what we are looking for, at the fair price of....$1.15 million dollars!

I have no idea why houses in our neighborhood can begin to be sold for upwards of $1M. I mean, I love where we currently live, and the some of the views around are beautiful. But seriously?!

End Day 6.

Little sinner

E has now begun getting out of bed after lights are out, even though she knows she's not supposed to. Activities include putting Doll to sleep with various blankets on the floor, looking at puzzles and books, and throwing stuffed animals in her sleeping sister's crib. How C sleeps through all of this nonsense I have no idea. She has my husband's awesome sleeping genes, I guess.

The funny thing is that when E hears me coming to her room, she runs back to bed to pretend that she was never out of bed, knowing that she's done something wrong. But I guess the thrill of just seeing if she can get away with it is worth the effort. This is the first instance I can recall of real dishonesty, and it's fascinating and slightly infuriating too. When I come into her room, she is purposely super sweet to me to deter me from the truth of her deviousness, asking for extra kisses and saying "Ai-nee" (love you) with a big grin on her face. You little sinner, I think to myself.

"Is this what she's going to be like as a teenager?" asks her daddy. "No," I say. "It will be far worse."

End Day 5.

Everything is a phase.

Sometimes the hardest things are just the ones you think are hard. And when you stop overthinking it, it gets easier. This seems to always be the case with parenting. Just when you think there's this huge issue with your kid, they stop doing it and it gets easier. And just like that, the problem is gone.

End Day 4.

Oh, what a night.

Every time that hubby leaves town, something weird happens. Last time, I got food poisoning. It was my own fault - I ate Chinese food leftovers that had been sitting in the car for two hours like it was the only food left on earth. It was delicious. But I was up every two hours that night with the runs.

Last night was a little unusual too. It started normally. Baby down at 7pm. Toddler down by 8pm. Me and my exhausted self in bed by 9:30pm. Toddler cries at 11pm. She's not really awake, but I go in and put her blanket on her and her lovey bear on her face. I sneak out without waking the baby. Toddler cries again at 12:30am. Again, she's not really awake, but she's upside down in her bed so I flip her around and put blankets on her. But she's cried louder this time, so the baby wakes up. I nurse the baby reluctantly and then she goes back down without a peep. Ah, I think to myself. Now I can get a nice little stretch of sleep if only the baby would sleep until the morning.

4am. There's incessant high-pitched barking from downstairs. I quickly burst out of bed and run downstairs cursing the dog the whole time. I let her out of her bag and she's beelining for the door. She only does this when she's really gotta go. So I'm walking her at 4am, without my glasses on, hoping that there are no weirdos on the street. We go maybe two houses down and the dog is squatting every two feet, trying to get whatever-it-is out of her system. I'm pulling her leash, cursing her the whole time, and we come back inside. She runs to the wee-wee pad and continues her business, misses, which means I'm cleaning the floor now that it is nearly 4:30am. I curse the dog one final time and go back to bed.

5:30am. More incessant high-pitched barking. We do the drill again. I have again forgotten to put on my glasses in the midst of running downstairs, and I still have an eye mask on my face. I'm a groggy mess, but here I go again, pulling the dog out and watching her squat every two feet outside. We come back inside and she won't go back in the bag. I stick her in the car and figure she won't die for the hour and half it will be before the kids wake up.

But I look on the monitor and the baby is already awake. She's on her tummy, cooing. I go in and nurse her and she smiles and wants to play with me by grabbing my nose while nursing. When she's done I try to put her back down but she won't have it. I don't want the toddler to wake up, so I take her back to my room with me, and we lie in bed together, me with my eyes half closed and her grabbing my face and hair. We eventually fall asleep for a little bit, and I actually enjoy this sweet snuggle time. Since hubby's not here, that means a little more bed for each of us to sprawl out. The baby is sprawled out with both arms out, and I'm huddled on the edge of the bed. Even without him here, she's still taking up most of the bed. I put pillows on both sides of her so that she hopefully will not roll off when she wakes.

7am. I hear the toddler crying. "I want baby Cara!" she cries. "I really, REALLY want her!" "She's sleeping," I say, and I snuggle with her in her little toddler bed for a few minutes. This seems to suffice for now and we go downstairs for breakfast. I go up to move the baby to the crib, but she's sleeping so beautifully that I can't bear to move her. I give a bottle of lotion to the toddler to play with and run out to the car to get the dog, who is not dead. I walk her a bit and she's still squatting and this time she's pretty much almost done. But she has rubbed her bottom on the sidewalk and there is dirt and poop all over her fur. I don't want that on my carpet, so when we get inside, I throw her in the bathtub and give her a bath. My toddler has lotion all over her hair. We giggle about it.

I drop the kids off at daycare by 9am, and then sit in my very quiet house. It's quiet for a few minutes, until the construction on the fence between our house and our neighbor's house resumes. I take out my laptop to do some work. I'm editing something and then feel extremely drowsy, so I go up to bed, the construction sounds loud as ever. I fall asleep for three hours. I take a shower, fold the laundry, walk the dog, eat some leftovers, return some library books, and it is almost time to pick up the kids. I quickly edit a few more documents and call it a productive work day.

Now it's quiet in the house and I am watching on the monitor as the toddler runs back and forth putting stuffed animals into the sleeping baby's crib. Room sharing is failing for the most part. But it's still cute when they're actually both asleep. Even if we had a bigger house, I'm not sure I'd change anything. If only everybody would just stay asleep. Including the dog. End of Day 3.

Just cling.

I'm single-mommying this week. Hubby is in NYC the next two days, then mostly in SD the rest of the work week. I might see him maybe on Thursday. Maybe. Sigh.

Today I asked for prayer at church because there was a knot in my stomach as we continue in this season of hubby working a lot more than I'm used to. The woman who prayed for me was a mother herself, one of the older women in our church. She prayed for everything I needed in my heart, even without me telling her.  All I said was that I needed strength while Paul works more and the brunt of the childrearing falls on my shoulders. But she knew exactly what to ask for. She prayed for my babies to sleep through the night. She prayed against temper tantrums. She prayed that they would eat, play, nap, and listen. I bawled on her shoulder, with Cara in the Ergo. It was perfect.

I have a funny way of trying to depend on God only when things are hard. When things aren't hard, my heart is proud and forgetful of His loyalty to me. I'm often blinded by my own resolve. I am glad things are tough right now. I feel so completely dependent on God's grace on me, that if I stop clinging to Him for a second, I may just fall apart. It is actually a good feeling. End Day 2.

Please stop biting me.

I think I will dust off this blog.

I am thinking about blogging for the next forty days - yes, it's Lent, and I am late to the party, but then again, I really have no idea what day of the week, month, year, hour it is because I am so tired all the time and it is perpetually 80 degrees here in LA. I don't even have seasons to be markers in my life. It's just a blur of sunshine. We've missed church the last few weeks because teething sleep was so bad that I couldn't keep my head on straight and it was just easier not to leave the house lest I have to put clothes on everybody and pack snacks and milk. Despite missing church a lot, the Spirit is definitely moving here. 2014 so far has been all about shaking us up. I'll explain that another day.

It occurred to me that my children are growing before my eyes and I am too tired to enjoy it and document it. That made me sad. We have pictures. We have videos. But I do not have much record of reflection. This 40 days shall not contain pictures and cute baby videos. It's going to be all text all the time. Because I need it. And if you happen to read it, cool. Leave me a comment or something. It's not going to be great writing, but I hope it will be something.

Now that my concert season is over, and Paul is busy as a bee with work, I am at capacity in every way possible as the more available parent. I love it and at the same time I often can't stand it. I love being the only person that my daughters could possibly want at certain moments, and yet I long for the freedom to set my own schedule, nap whenever I want, and be me again.

But then, what is me these days?

I'll be very general. There are moments in being a parent that I feel that I am as much of myself as I have ever been and that I realize that if I had not had children, there would be parts of myself that I would have never known. That is a strange realization. I then look at my 7 month old baby and think to myself, "You, small person, have made me completely reanalyze who I am, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I will be. Thank you very much. Now please stop biting me."

It is 8:37pm, so I will now take a shower and collapse in bed before 9pm, I hope. End of Day 1.