At church on Sunday, I saw the most beautiful thing. The couple in front of me brought their 2 year old in with them for the musical part of the worship service. As the mom sang along with the music, she brought her hand up as a reflection of her worship to God. Her husband was holding their son, and as he saw his mom's hand come up, he did the same. Standing behind them, this sight was so poignant to me that I started crying right away. As I've struggled with feelings of being scared, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable during this pregnancy, I've been looking for places in which God would confirm for me the call to mothering yet another little one. This image of mother and son worshiping together in front of me seemed to say everything about what it really means to be a parent.
Kids are such amazing emulators. They learn everything by watching us and observing all our habits even when we are unaware of their gaze. And just as Elisa has learned to brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, and do anything else by imitating us, so she will learn from us what we worship, how we worship, and why we worship. A few weeks ago at church, I was praying and saw the most beautiful image of her worshiping God and it nearly broke my heart with desire. I realized that there is almost nothing I want more in life than for my kids to know Jesus and be saved. I felt an urgency to pray for the baby in my belly, not just that he would be healthy and safe, but that above all, that God would reach him, touch him, love him, and save him.
In those two moments, I understood motherhood in a different way - that my role is not only caretaker, nurturer, comforter, provider, but also teacher, mentor, sister, discipler. And though it will be awhile before either of our kids will go through tough questions about faith or even basic Bible stories with total comprehension, it is never too early to start practicing the latter types of roles in my everyday life, which is so hard because the most basic tasks of motherhood are so completely all-consuming. There will always be dirty dishes, laundry to fold, toys to clean up, and diapers to change, but I'm praying that God would give me energy to go beyond all that and be able to shepherd both of these little blessings in His ways.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Taco
They say that having a child is like seeing your heart run around outside of your body. I couldn't agree more. Except that I didn't know that my heart was capable of such cuteness, so many stinky poops, such surprise, and such love.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
 |
| basking in today's 80 degree weather. goodbye, winter! |
Sunday, January 13, 2013
18 months
Today was one of the coldest days in LA that I can remember. When we got in the car this morning to go to breakfast, the snowflake warning light came on in the chilly 39 degree weather. This is pretty absurd to most Angelenos - this means I have to actually wear a coat or something, right? And I'm still cold! I don't think I even own a beanie or gloves or anymore, but I could have sure used them today.
This little bundle was ready to combat the cold. Elisa is happily sporting her new mary janes that she picked out herself and refuses to take off. What can I say? The girl's got taste.
She also fashioned this hair accessory for herself from one of my old scarves as she foraged fruit from the trees in the backyard. We've got some amazing amounts of oranges and lemons right now. She loves putting the fruit in her wagon and pushing them all around the patio.
Her playtime is getting more and more imaginative. It's amazing to see her mimicing us and using her new words all the time. Here she is at her play kitchen (she was refusing pants that morning).
Here she was in the middle of some funny dress up, but when she saw me pull my phone out to take a picture she got upset. This picture cracks me up - it's like a fiesta gone wrong.
And lastly, here is a daddy/daughter moment at lunch celebrating her 18 month birthday. This lemon ricotta cake from Forage made her put both hands up in the air with a big grin.
What a thrill! A year and a half feels like a big landmark for us. This is such a fun age - she is not having nearly as many tantrums as she did a few months ago, probably because her ability to communicate is improving all the time. The words and semblances of words are pretty amazing to hear, and she is sweet and funny as ever. She is still a mommyholic, but I'll savor it for now. Feeling grateful as ever today.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Entering 2013!
Call me Scrooge, but I'm kind of glad the holidays are over. We didn't have the greatest Christmas this year. Somehow, Elisa managed to catch a miserable cold and then a three-day fever, which was followed by a bumpy red rash all over her torso. A trip to urgent care and the great wisdom of the internet said it was roseola, a viral infection that only affects babies between 6 months and 2 years of age. Our poor little girl was miserable for almost a week while we were at the grandparents' house in the Bay Area and she was not her usual happy little self. She cried and cried from her discomfort, was tired most of the time, and couldn't sleep well since her nose was all stuffed up and she would wake up coughing. Needless to say, we got very little uninterrupted sleep with her waking up every 3 hours or so. We were sharing a room with her too, so that didn't help. I managed to catch her cold on Christmas Eve and was still completely out of it on Christmas, sleeping most of the day while the rest of the family watched her. Paul was holding us all together until he caught the cold a few days later, just as we left to drive back to LA. But the trooper that he was, he still insisted on driving the entire 5 hours and we got home in record time!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
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