Friday, February 27, 2015

Day 4: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I broke it off with a student today. Not an easy thing to do, no matter how much the lessons aren't going well. The lessons weren't going well, but the disagreement today was over an issue of scheduling and how at our school, teachers are not liable to make up lessons that a student misses. This is a policy the school has to protect teachers from being subject to flaky students that don't show up, or that give us very late notice of cancellation even when you've reserved a time slot for them. Having this policy in place keeps students coming to lessons and treating them with seriousness, which I think is beneficial for everyone in the long run. My justification was completely clear- I will sometimes do makeups, but don't do makeups for same-day cancellations, period. The students all know this, and this particular adult student was rather upset about the policy as it applied to him for the first time in three years today. I probably took it more personally than I needed to, but in the end, I realized that I couldn't help it - because teaching is an incredibly personal relationship. And if that relationship breaks down, then in my opinion, there is really no point in continuing.

It is often best for the student to get a different perspective anyway, and good for me to have an open slot to take a new student. I like to keep my studio small and lean, and it feels like substantial sacrifice to commit to the dozen or so students that I have because some of them mean an hour per week that I'm not home with the family in the evening. So, you gotta do what you gotta do. Even if it's for the best, I never handle these types of conversations that well because I'm invested in each person that I teach. And well, breaking up is hard to do.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Day 3: Battling Eczema

I was feeling sad today. C's eczema has been at an all-time low this week. I'm not sure what caused it to flare, but her cheeks have been so dry and cracked that they've been bleeding and scabbed. It's terrible to pick her up in the morning to see that there is blood on the crib sheet. After a few days of applying more and more moisturizer, using the humidifier, applying the same stupid steroid cream that doesn't seem to help anymore, I finally put out a post on my mom's network (lovingly called the Booby Brigade, it is a breastfeeding support group and general childrearing support group) and was met with tons of helpful emails recommending doctors, hydrotherapy regiments, creams and lotions, and random suggestions for all kinds of stuff. I am really thankful for this group as it has been a really great resource for everything from babysitters, to nursing tips, doctor recommendations, handymen, preschool suggestions - you name it, and 6000 women from Los Angeles will respond with force.

One person recommended an allergist/immunologist specializing in pediatric AD (atopic dermatitis) that I am hoping to get an appointment with soon. Pediatricians and dermatologists really know very little about eczema. It is such a frustrating thing because it can seem so benign a lot of the time, but never really goes away. And when it flares, it flares badly, can stick around, or can diminish as quickly as it came. I often feel that by the time I think about trying new solutions for her eczema, the flare is over and we go back to our normal application of emollients and steroid cream. But I'm not happy with this solution - and being told that "she'll grow out of it" as our doctors have said is just isn't a great answer to me.

Living in a dry climate with lots of pollution and warm, windy air means that there is a really high number of kids with eczema in LA. I often attribute her flares to the weather, but this week we got some rain and a constant misty fog, and that did not seem to help her poor skin. We are thinking about investing in this $105 wet suit thing (insurance might pay for it as it is a Class 1 Medical Device) that locks in moisture overnight. It's called "RescueWear - Therapeutic Clothing for Eczema." We have tried tons of things and I'm tired of wasting money on creams that don't help or even make her skin worse. But this little guy looks pretty happy, right?


Praying that seeing an allergist/immunologist and starting some serious hydrotherapy or dry therapy will help (locking in moisture by putting baby in serious lotion with this wet suit thing over it, then PJs on top, or soaking the suit in water and then putting PJs on top of the wet suit overnight. Sounds cold, but apparently brings super fast relief to kids with eczema).

So this is what I did for most of my afternoon today instead of practicing even though I have a concert on Saturday. Then I picked up the girls a little early, expecting to find a miserable red-faced little C - and instead, she was happy as a clam, sitting on her teachers lap outside in the toddler yard, her hair in four cute pigtails, clapping her hands along with a song they were singing. I love our daycare so much. Her face was clearer than it had been in the morning, though she still had a significant rash on her back. But she was a trooper, gobbling up her dinner and several helpings of yogurt, asking to be read books, and nose nuzzling me as I put her to bed. So I throw my hands up again and wonder what I was so worried about - as quickly as it comes, it goes. Still going to follow up with the new doctor visit, but I need to let this anxiety go a little bit. She's a tough little girl.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Day 2: On Teaching Girls

This past weekend, I entered three students in a local competition and all of them placed. I am very proud of them, and I knew they would all do well. But what did I realize while typing up a FB post to announce their great accomplishment?

Out of my 13 students, 9 are girls. This would not be that much of a surprise, except for the fact that I teach classical guitar, and traditionally it has been a completely male-dominated field. For whatever reason, when I was growing up, there were always way fewer girls in guitar programs than boys. Maybe it's because a lot of boys get into the electric and rock guitar thing, and then somehow get coerced into playing classical when they start lessons. In most college guitar programs in the US, it is still very common for there to only be 1-2 women in the program. Most of the finalists in major competitions are still guys, but that is slowly changing.

It's funny - I always thought I would end up teaching college students, but there is something about teenagers that I really connect with. Maybe because sometimes I am as moody as one, or as volatile as one, and I remember all too well what it feels like to be self-conscious and lost in between a place where you feel like the world is your oyster and life is over because that cute boy won't talk to you. I spent a year in youth ministry a long time ago, and I think God used that year to prepare me for the type of teaching I'm doing now. I would say that first and foremost, being a guitar teacher is about having a relationship with the student. The students I have who I can speak openly with are more likely to enjoy lessons, to be motivated in practicing and to get integrated into the classical guitar program at the school where I teach and in the community at large. And when I have students who spend half the lesson talking to me about the latest gossip at school or what their hopes and dreams are, it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Everyone needs mentors in life, and I have really enjoyed the relationships I am building with most of my current students - most of which are girls.

I'm excited for this new generation of girls to break the gender gap in the classical guitar world. There should be no reason for a disparity in prize winners in the future, and my students are out to prove that!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Day 1: Hard Questions

I'm late for Lent, as I often am. This year, I was made aware of Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, only because the cranky checkout lady at the local supermarket yelled at a customer who stood in her line after she put up the "Closed" sign and then asked if she was open. She yelled, "HEY!! Be nice! It's Ash Wednesday. Be nice. And don't take God's name in vain!"

Kind of a rough way to enter the season, but oh well. I am so out of it most of the time that I have no idea what day, month, week or year it is. And the continuous warm weather in LA doesn't help either. It could be February or May or December and I would probably be wearing the same thing.

Well, here goes. 40 days of blogging. I'm late, but I would still like to commit to 40 days. I hope there will still be purpose in that during this season.

E has been asking me some hard questions at bedtime lately. It's mostly on the topic of the Bible. We read her Kids' Bible every night, and she is really taking an interest in the person of Jesus. So far, Jesus is kind of a warm fuzzy figure that plays with children, makes food multiply, and talks about flowers and fields. She knows that the only person that loves her more than Mommy or Daddy is Jesus (or God, because they hammered it in during Sunday school that Jesus is God and God is Jesus), and thinks that Jesus is "kind of funny because he was sleeping on the boat."

Well, we got to the part about Jesus on the cross. You know, the part where it gets real. I tend to avoid topics like death and dying and pain and blood because it just seems like so much for a three-year old to take in. Her innocence is so precious - why make her think about such heavy topics so early on in life? But she seems to have picked up on the idea of death from preschool which she equates with lying down and closing your eyes, though to her, this is not a sad thing. Maybe like an extended nap or something.

A few days ago she flipped to the picture of Jesus on the cross.

E: "Why did Jesus die on the cross?"
Me: "Well, because someone had to pay the price for all the bad in the world. And if you believe in Jesus, you get to be in heaven with God forever."
E: "But Jesus is God."
Me: "Right..."

Ok, so she's got the whole trinity thing down (though we haven't yet talked about the Holy Spirit). Now, I can't say that I really explained sin very well in that moment, so we tried again another day.

Me: "It's kind of like if you drew on the wall, then you would get a time out. Like in the Olivia book. But instead of you getting the time out, Jesus took all the timeouts in the world for everyone."
E: "Well, I don't do anything bad. And if you break a cookie in half and share it, that's good."

That's my girl - from theology to baked goods in the same breath. Now, how do you explain to a little girl  - especially one who looks up at you all wide-eyed and beautiful, smelling like lavender soap and being so cute and cuddly - of her original sin?

Another conversation from earlier this week:

E: "Where do you go when you die?"
Me: "Well, your body gets buried in the ground. And then your soul goes to heaven or hell. In heaven, you get to be with God forever."
E: "Do you go in the tomb?"
Me: "Some people are buried in tombs. Like Jesus was, except that he rose from the dead so he didn't stay in the tomb."
E: "Well I wouldn't want to stay in the tomb either."

Such wisdom and such innocence. Sometimes at church I think about my girls and the desire of wanting them to follow Christ just crushes me. It breaks me into a million little pieces and I end up weeping on my knees. Other times, I have this sense that He's got it all under control, and at those moments there is such peace and joy in my heart that it also feels like it might explode and I want to dance like a fool and jump up and down. It would be my greatest joy in life to have the privilege of leading my daughter to Jesus. God, please help me.