Today was a packed day. We got thrown off by daylight saving's time - everybody woke up late and before we knew it, we had missed 9am service. So we went to Whole Foods and did some grocery shopping and had a late breakfast; then I took E to 12pm service since C still has a mild case of pink eye. I was exhausted from the grocery run since both kids insisted on walking (well, running) through the store, pulling random things off shelves, dancing in the aisles, and I was chasing after them wishing that I had just gone shopping alone.
So I thought about skipping church, but we had said that I was going to take E to church and if we'd stayed home she probably would have just spent two hours watching TV or something. I'm glad I did. Today Tim was preaching on Job 32. His main question was: Are you teachable? Or have difficult circumstances made you feel justified in your sinfulness?
I will confess now that I am not naturally teachable when it comes to my own character. I am stubborn, prideful, often very hesitant to admit my weaknesses. I get defensive when my motives are questioned. I shut down when I'm hurt or have to express my deepest feelings on the spot. Today's sermon really applied to me, and I thought immediately about an argument that Paul and I had a few weeks ago. It was about a small issue, but made me think about a bigger issue in my own heart.
We had arrived at church one Sunday, and I was trying to get E out of the car seat. The car next to us was parked really closely to us. I opened the car door, letting it gently make contact with the adjacent car's door. Paul noticed and asked me not to let our car's door touch the other car. He said he had noticed that I had done the same thing when we were out the day before, and didn't like it. People in LA can be pretty protective over their cars, and he thought that allowing contact to happen between our car and another was inviting conflict. Fair enough.
I immediately got defensive, saying I was careful when I opened the door and didn't slam it into the other car - I had gently rested our car door touching the other car door. How else was I supposed to get my kid out of the car? To make a long story short, the rest of the conversation didn't go very well between the two of us, and as sometimes happens, we started arguing over a little thing that became an argument about a bigger picture issue, often about our communication styles. Paul felt that I wasn't listening to him, that I was being unnecessarily defensive, and that I wasn't taking his feedback well. He felt like I disregarded him. I felt that he was making a big deal about something very small, and that shouldn't the whole world understand that I'm just trying to get my kid out of the car? I really didn't care about the other cars or the people that owned them, and I didn't understand why he cared enough to have to talk about it.
Well, here's where I realized that I have this new attitude now about people. I don't care much about other people when it has to do with making my life with kids easier. I'd like the closest parking spot, the first place in any line, the empty seat on a plane, the best booth at a restaurant - you name it, and I'll tell you I need it because, oh poor me, having little kids is so hard. I think I've developed an entitlement in being a parent of two kids in that I feel like everything is difficult enough, so anyone who is not making it easier to deal with everyday life with kids should just get out of my way. My Mama Bear energy is ready to bulldoze anyone that makes anything less convenient for me. And don't even get me started on how protective I can get. This Mama Bear has claws, and they ain't pretty.
So, Mama Bear is going unchecked. Mama Bear has attitude. Mama Bear is not doing a very good job loving others. Mama Bear was an impatient person to begin with, and now has even less patience for stopping and having a teachable moment. Mama Bear does not want to confess her bad attitude. Mama Bear thinks she's untouchable when she's wearing her mama hat because isn't being a mama some elevated role for women in the Bible? Can mama really do wrong when her intentions have everything to do with providing a good life for the kids?
Here is where I am wrong, very wrong. It is so easy to idolize your own children sometimes and put them on a pedestal far above everyone and everything else in the entire world. It is so easy to let parenting justify whatever action or thought that wants to come out just because parenting feels hard sometimes. And although this thing about the car door may have been a small issue, where I am really wrong is in building these fortified walls around my heart that were supposed to make me tougher or stronger as a mom, but are really just backfiring and making me a pretty cold and irritable person at times. And my poor husband knows this better than anyone. Today God reminded me of this moment. I think he wanted to tell me that in any obstacle or difficult circumstance, whether my kids are running buck wild through Whole Foods or not, that loving God comes first and with loving God means loving His people. It means loving Him enough to listen to Him, to receive Him, to stop pushing Him away and thinking I can do everything on my own. Because Lord help me, I can't.
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