Day 40.

It's Day 40 today. I think that I have undoubtedly felt more reflective during this time, even though I didn't always have the energy to write very much at a time. And it is nice to know that there are some things that I can actually do for 40 days. At the end of this 40 days, I feel like we are still in a tough season of childrearing, but also a joyous one. And for me personally, my body may be exhausted most of the time, but my spirit is satisfied and blessed beyond all measure.

Today was a little bit of a rough day as I wasn't able to sleep very well last night. My own fault, not so much the kids. I am not good with uncertainty, and the house hunt is not for the faint of heart. There is a downward spiral in starting to question where you should live and why and how this will affect your career, kids, life, etc. My mom used to tell me that I think too much, and indeed I do. That's why Paul is such a good match for me - he leaves everything ultimately in God's hands rather than harping on anything, and me being the worry wart that I am, need his strength in this regard.

I felt today that God asked me multiple times, "Do you really trust me? Do you?" While it's easy to say, especially with a major life change like buying a house, I know that I falter and waver in this area, particularly when thinking about my own job and career track. My brother reminded me of something I told him a long time ago, and it's time to follow my own advice - pursue fulfillment artistically, and God will lead you.

So off I go - no more blogging for a little while - instead, practicing, getting my nails and callouses back in working order, and new programming. I'm excited. See you soon and thank you for being on this journey with me.

End Day 40.

Home.

I guess some things were just never meant to be. Our first bid on a house came and went - and we weren't even close! Ha. Oh well. It was worth a shot anyway.

Tonight, after we heard the news, E was snuggled on my lap reading a book with me. Aiko curled up next to us and Paul came down after putting the baby down and we all just sat together in this cuddly position and read Go Dog Go a few times through, with E pointing out all the sight words that she knows. And I thought to myself, this is what a home is. It's really something that no money can buy.

End Day 39.

Waiting, again.

And now we wait.

End Day 38.

Decision time

I am always surprised by how quickly my hubby can make decisions. Today, we finally had a moment where we walked into an open house and knew it was everything we were looking for. Most of this whole home buying process has thrown us lots of loops at how we each make decisions, what appeals to us, and how our family history has colored this search.

I'm not getting too attached yet, but am excited that there is now at least one place that we can see ourselves making a home in. And what a home it would be.

End Day 37.

Somehow

Had an amazing day of teaching today, mostly because I was actually fully awake. Not because the kids didn't get up last night, but because I went to bed before 9. Amazing. Felt like a normal person again. We got black out curtains. I hope they improve everybody's sleep somehow. Someway, somehow.

End Day 36.

Fruit.

I am slowly seeing my two year old turn into a three year old. Lately, she has been way less clingy to me and her behavior is improving for the most part. She has a vivid imagination and can spend hours acting out scenes from our everyday life. And although preschool dropoff is still a cryfest, it must be helping her mature and learn tons of new things. I already feel that she's a different kid than she was a month ago, and it's beautiful to see.

We had a lovely day together, with the baby on good behavior too, taking three solid naps. What a delight they are.

End Day 35.

Wearing out

We saw three houses today - the first was a large restored craftsman in Boyle Heights, the second in a quiet part of Chinatown with no parking, and a tiny place on a hillside in SL with a view of the 5 freeway. All were such different slices of LA, and we were unimpressed by all of them.

I also spent an unusual amount of time driving in traffic today. The city is wearing me out today.

End Day 34. Almost to the end. I am getting tired of reflection.

Wait.

Sometimes when you're waiting on God for something, the right answer is to do just that. Wait.

I'm not good at waiting. I like action. I like crossing things off the checklist, feeling like progress was made, being productive with my time. In fact, I thrive on this, perhaps too much so. But sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to just stop trying to control everything and wait on God for the right time.

End Day 33.

Extra bone.

Apparently my hubby has an extra bone in his foot. It started aggravating him this weeekend and he was in a lot of pain. He went to see the doctor today and came home with a big blue cast on his foot. We had no idea there was an extra bone in his foot until today. He just woke up one day and it started hurting. Strangest thing ever.

End Day 32.

Joy

I need to work on doing everything joyfully. No matter how much there is to do and how little sleep I've gotten. I am still blessed beyond all measure. Now I need to act like it.

End Day 31.

Easter Sunday

I love Easter Sunday. I love seeing joy on people's faces, I love seeing an auditorium full of people celebrating Jesus, and I love seeing everyone in their Sunday best, considering how casual our culture is. Our girls sat in on service with us, and it was sort of like being on an airplane, trying to keep them sitting next to us and quiet. Luckily, the kids ministry gave out goody bags and crayons to keep the big one busy, and the little one was pretty good for the most part despite wanting to crawl all over the not so clean floor of the Hollywood Palladium.

The best part of my day was seeing them have their first taste of worship. E enjoyed clapping after every song, and dancing in the aisles when the music came on. Her little sister followed her lead, bouncing in her daddy's lap and clapping enthusiastically. I couldn't help but laugh at seeing the pure delight they were experiencing. He is risen indeed.

End Day 30.

Calling.

More house hunting today. So many issues are swirling around in my mind as we go through this process. Finding where you live when you have kids can be so complicated. Race, class, neighborhood, safety, convenience, schools - I am probably overthinking the whole thing, but at the same time I don't think I am. The most important question I think, more so than the schools or the distance to hipster establishments, should be - where does God want us to live out our calling as a family? I think this is ultimately what I am struggling with during these 40 days of blogging.

More thoughts on this another day. For now, time to unwind by lying down and listening - to the beautiful silence of post-bedtime.

End Day 29.

Empowerment

Every time hubby leaves town for work, something in our house breaks. Yesterday it was the toilet. I plunged it, successfully. I was really proud of myself.

Favorite phrase of the day:

E: Where's Daddy? I don't know what's going on with him.

End Day 28.

No bunnies, please.

I wasn't raised with any Easter traditions. Somehow Easter has become synonymous with baked hams and egg hunts, and call me crazy, but I tend to shy away from all that because it seems so unrelated to the day. But I would like to have some kind of family tradition for Easter dinner, a meal that seems to be significant as a celebration. I think fish would be appropriate since that was Jesus' first breakfast after the resurrection. Will have to think on it for Sunday. Asking God to prepare me spiritually for Easter, and hoping for some kind of stillness to meditate on the real meaning of what Christ did for me.

End Day 27.

Gratitude.

I had a rare moment alone today after I ran an errand in Santa Monica. It was refreshing to be out on such an idyllic 70 degree day, with the kids at daycare and my music blasting as loud as I wanted on the drive. I called up an old friend from high school to share brunch with and see her new baby, and as I waited for the take-out to be ready, I walked down to the beach and sat looking out at the water.

In that moment, I felt such incredible gratitude - for my health, my family, and even our never-ending house hunt. All the things stressing me out seemed to fade away, and as I sat there lost in thought, watching a family of four walk by. They were clearly tourists, and the two girls looked about two years apart. They were in their early tweens, and were arguing about something silly but giggling with each other as their parents oogled over the view of the ocean. It made me think of what my own little family will be like in 10 years, traveling places, having our own inside jokes, and just enjoying each other's company. I look forward to that time so much, but don't want my babies to grow up either. Sometimes I hold my girls and just think to myself, "Please just let me bottle you up at this age and don't ever change."

The hardest thing about parenting for me is knowing how to cherish it. It is so much work. But when I think about the best moments with each of them today - watching C crawl across the room with a big smile on her face, and listening to E sing to herself as she tries to fall asleep - I am just overwhelmed with gratitude. His mercies are new every morning.

End Day 26.

Angry Baby

Poor Baby C is having a rough time. Since I have spring break this week, I opted to keep her home from daycare so I could spend a little more time with her while E was at school. This morning she proved to be pretty worked up about something or other, because she kept making this high-pitched squealing noise. She continued to do this version of baby whining most of the day, and was pretty darn tired as she took four naps. What kind of 8 month old takes 4 naps a day? I think she may have slept more today than she was awake!

Besides the physical ailments right now, which definitely indicate she is still getting over whatever cold virus she has had in all its mutated forms for nearly three weeks, she is clearly developing some very strong emotions. For such a chill and easy baby, she certainly has opinions now about where she wants to go and what she wants to play with. She makes a beeline for all electrical cords, dirty shoes, remote controls, and anything else that we don't want her playing with, and when these things are taken away, she screeches like a banshee. Clearly, little Baby C is sending a message to us - that she is tired of being second and is ready to assert her individuality. Well, we are listening.

End Day 25.

Cowboy Dan

Whenever we consider a new neighborhood, Paul does a search for "Korean food" or "dim sum." Maybe our priorities are messed up, but that's just what we do. Today in briefly considering a pocket of OC, we did this search and it turned up things like Happi House and Cowboy Dan's Extraordinary Jerky Shop. I almost peed my pants laughing.

Regardless to say, I'm not sold on the OC just yet.

End Day 24.

Mad Men

Skipped my shower today so I could watch the season premiere of Mad Men. There's only so much time between the kids' bedtime and mine. It was worth it, I think.

Today I want to uproot. Maybe to somewhere that has the appeal that CA had in the late 60's.

End Day 23.

This Too Shall Pass.

I will never take our health for granted. E has had a strange cold for two weeks now. Every day the symptoms are different - it started with a mild fever, and over the course of the last two weeks, she has had watery/crusty eyes, runny nose, sore throat, cough, diarrhea, and today back to a mild fever. Only one symptom shows up every day, so life has been mostly normal, but today's mild fever made her very cranky until we drugged up her juice with some Benadryl. I am hoping tomorrow she is completely better from this one. Little Miss Curly is on the mend and has been such a trooper through her milder symptoms of what I can only assume is the same thing. It seemed to affect her digestive system most of all, and a mild runny nose and cough too. I have had it just as bad, with severe coughing fits and a phlegmy cough that I seem to get every year. The champion in all this is my lucky hubby, who didn't get it at all, and whose immune system seems to be better than all three of ours combined.

I can't taste or smell anything right now because of my cold, which is sad. We've had several of my favorite meals within the past 48 hours, and nothing tastes like anything. I might as well just eat plain tofu or cauliflower all day. I jokingly said I should eat the healthiest stuff possible since I can't taste it anyway, which I didn't do at all. Instead, today after work I was in some kind of weird binge mood. So I went to the hot dog joint across the street and devoured a sausage, fries and coke even though I couldn't taste any of it. My flesh just wanted to do the opposite of what I knew was good for me. I sometimes feel that I deserve whatever I want because I so seldom get to tend to myself. This could mean a sausage and fries binge or a $78 t-shirt. Not sure what to make of my strange behavior, but it's probably not good.

I then sat on the patio of the restaurant and watched cars drive by while totally zoning out. A sort of out-of-body experience. Definitely felt like I wasn't really participating in anything, maybe because I couldn't taste my food. I was just eating it to not be hungry. And so it made me want to just be an invisible bystander since I didn't feel like I was experiencing life. A sort of existential moment or something.

Ok, that's all the brain power I have to compare my life to French philosophy. End Day 22. Please end.

Army Crawling.

C started army crawling this week. If you put a toy in front of her, she squirms her little body this way and that way until her arms get involved, her little elbows doing the work to get her where she wants to be. At this age, E was just starting to crawl backwards. They are such different little girls - C much more dense and hefty than E was as a baby; E dainty and girly. I think C is going to be what Daddy has always wanted - a little jock to throw a ball around with.

End Day 21.

Fix it up.

Now we're thinking about a fixer upper. A friend of mine advised me, "Buy the worst house in the best area." I thought I did not have the capacity to entertain this notion, but after stumbling upon an open house for a 3BR/2BA in a great school zone and beautiful neighborhood but absolutely disgusting condition, I started thinking that the $100K discount might actually be worth it. Probably not this particular one since it had no yard and was built into the hillside with amazing views but no walkability, but we'll see.

So many things in flux right now, and sleep has generally been so good this week that I can just taste normal life around the corner.

End Day 20.

Moths.

We have a moth infestation in our house right now. It makes me really mad. They sit on the walls and try to blend in, and I try to kill as many of them as possible while they are doing this. I don't know where they are coming from. In the evenings, they come to life and we run around swatting them. They're not very fast. Moths, unlike butterflies, are colorless and drab. If I had a butterfly infestation in my house, I might actually enjoy it because they are pretty. But these poor creatures lack color, and so they are labeled pests.

That's all the poetry I can wax right now. I've got a nasty cold that's exhausting me, despite the better sleep that we have been getting lately.

End Day 19.

Greener grass.

Sometimes it is easy to forget how long it took to be able to do some of the things I do well. There was a time when I couldn't imagine ever giving a solo recital, let alone traveling and getting paid for it as part of my career. There were long days in the practice rooms and frustrating moments. Now I look fondly on those days and wonder what I could learn or accomplish if only I had that kind of time again. When I was a student, all I wanted was to be done with school, and now that I'm not one, I miss that time. I think. Sorta.

I hung out with a bunch of single girls from church the other day. Two of them were coming from a yoga class, and the other two were about to take a jog around the lake. I had my two munchkins with me, one of which was tired and fussy, the other of which was tired and whiny. You can guess who was who. While my friends all oogled over the babies, I oogled over how relaxed and carefree they seemed. There was a time in my life where on a given Friday morning I might have gone to a yoga class and taken a leisurely jog around the lake. But no more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, and I'm working on trying to love being in this moment of juggling all the different facets of my life. It is not a carefree one, but it is a rich one. I don't want to live my life always wishing for another season of it. So I am learning to be here in the present, loving this time when my kids are little, savoring each hug, each new skill, each new discovery, and all the guitar playing in between.

End Day 18.

Spring Heat Wave

It was nearly 90 degrees today. I should be used to the fact that we get random heat waves all the time in LA, but it always surprises me. We went for a little walk around the neighborhood after dinner and it felt like a balmy summer night. E was lost in her imaginative world, picking up twigs on the sidewalk, and rambling on and on in partial gibberish with words interspersed like "meatballs," "took a bath," "went all by myself," "lots and lots of vegetables." We sat down on one of the hidden Silverlake staircases and looked out at the city. It was beautiful tonight with the view of the huge palm trees and the downtown skyline.

I love our neighborhood and feel so glad that E has spent her early years here, surrounded by so much beauty. Yes, LA is beautiful in certain pockets. And we are glad to be in one of them. Feeling nostalgic about it if we do end up moving.

End Day 17.

Being skinny.

In the past week, several people have remarked to me that I look "skinny." I was partially taken aback by these comments because I haven't necessarily noticed it myself, but then again I probably don't look in the mirror more than once a day really. I have noticed that my pants are too big, but this was more of an annoyance because I don't have time to go shopping anymore. So yes, I guess I am losing weight, although I have done very little to try to do so besides carrying my kids around all the time and attending an Pop Physique class every once in a blue moon.

I've never thought of myself as "skinny" and having been called this a few times now, I felt like it was such a foreign label for my body. I have always been kinda curvy for an Asian woman. I am not embarrassed that I have hips and boobs, and while every woman desires to be thinner, I have always been pretty comfortable in my body even in those seasons when I ate a little too much Korean BBQ. Even now at eight months, there are clearly hormonal changes still going on because C is nursing less often than she used to. I've noticed these past few weeks that my hair is shedding less and I am getting pimples again. Probably the best side effect of pregnancy was having really clear skin. Oh well. They say that it takes about as long to lose the postpartum weight as pregnancy, so we're close. But I thought to myself - I'm still in the postpartum season? It takes SO long to just be normal again!

And while many women would love to be called skinny, I can't help but feel like in some respects I could care less. Because while I want to look and feel good (who doesn't?) I have little choice but to put myself and my own needs last now and it's surprising that during all the times that I wanted to lose weight in my life, the one time where I don't really care quite as much it just happens. (Thank you, breastfeeding.) Funny how that is.

End Day 16.

Floor nap.

Last night was a bad night. So at work today, I took a nap on the floor of my studio for about half an hour. It was heavenly. Paul took the kids to an open house, but they both fell asleep on the way there. He pulled over and took a nap too. God provided just enough rest when we all needed it. We even had energy to go out to dinner with some old friends with a five month old baby. It was refreshing to see them.

I have learned that I am an extremely extroverted introvert. I need to be around people and have meaningful conversations to have energy and feel happy about life. I have such little energy to make plans with people these days so when I do get to see good friends I realize how worth the trouble it is to take the kids out with us and just do it.

End Day 15.

Sweet relief, just for a day.

I knew it. I knew there was hope! C slept all the way through the night, 7pm to 6am. E slept pretty well too, though it took her almost until 9:30pm to fall asleep. She must have napped well at school. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD.

End Day 14.

Love.

Throughout the day, God has been reminding me of his simple love for me - that He has always provided for us, always had perfect timing, always given us hope and cared for us to no end. Sometimes when you're overwhelmed and haven't gotten good sleep in months, it can feel like everything is falling apart. But it isn't. Oh, how He loves us.

End Day 13.

Exhaustion.

I am spent. Skipped work today because C had diaper rash that was so bad it was bleeding, and I couldn't bear to put her in daycare. I think she has a funky stomach virus because she pooped about 7 times today, and each time kicked and screamed like she was being tortured as I changed her diaper. Poor little girl. I hope it all passes soon. Meanwhile, E had crusty, swollen eyes and I feared it was pink eye. I took her to the doctor and she gave us a prescription for some eyedrops. I was so proud of E for not crying as the doctor examined her. Pretty sure she got it from the church nursery because there were about 30 kids in there this week for some reason, and half of them were crying. I noticed it on Monday, though it sort of went away yesterday, but today was back and a little worse. She also had some funny rashy bumps on her torso, which freaked me out, but P said was probably just the virus doing its thing. They probably both have the same virus but it is just exhibiting different symptoms. I find that this happens all the time having two little ones now. Like every three months or so they have something. Praying that everyone heals up by tomorrow because I have a backlog of students to teach and I could sure use a break, and going to work is SO much easier than staying home for a day.

It's hard to know how to pass the time when you have sick kids that aren't really acting sick. Too sick to go where there are a bunch of other kids, but not sick enough to stay home all day. We spent most of the morning in Griffith Park with our neighbor friends, and I was so thankful to be out with them enjoying the beautiful cool weather. We did a short hike, had lunch at the lovely Trails cafe, and then had to coax them back to the car, which took about an hour. I don't know how E wasn't totally exhausted at the end of that - she was in a fantastic mood as we went to the doctor, but a few hours later had a total meltdown because she was trying to make a 3x9 rectangle with her alphabet blocks, but there were only 26 of them of course, and the fact that there was one missing in her little formation made Miss OCD completely upset. I could do nothing but listen to her crying, "Where's the last one? It's open! Close it! CLOSE IT!" C and I walked around the house just to get a break from the insanity.

Last night I played some Bach (D major Cello Suite, from memory) just to get my fingers on the guitar again. Haven't practiced since my last concert three weeks ago. It feels bad. But everything is so utterly exhausting lately. I'm trying to keep up with all the housework since Paul is working so much. E created "Pretend Daddy" who plays outside with her. It's a little odd. And sad.

So far they are sleeping beautifully tonight. I'm now going to have a beer and catch up on a rerun of something or other.

End Day 12.

Sister love.

I've managed to have some good one on one time with each of my girls lately. On Saturday, Paul takes E to swim class, so I get to have Little Miss Curly all to myself for the morning. Then on Monday, E woke up with what I thought was a really bad cold and fever. But after she took a 20 minute nap on me in the glider, she bounced back to her normal self and all her symptoms went away. It was really strange. I sent C to daycare that day so she wouldn't be so directly exposed to what her sister had, so it was unusual to have just E home with me that day. We ended up having a lovely day together, although every now and then she would turn to me confused and ask, "Hey, where's Baby Cara?"

On both days, I realized that this whole parenting thing is hard because there are two of them. Toddler was way better behaved having all the attention. And baby was way better stimulated with all the attention I was giving her. Sometimes I feel like I'm selling them both short not being able to attend to all their needs on my own, which makes me sad. But I know their closeness will be worth it.

When they see first see each other after being apart for a little while, they smile and giggle at each other for a good five minutes. Then E tries to give her sister all kinds of things, like multiple blankets, non-baby safe toys, and necklaces with small beads. Lovely. They also do this funny screaming thing that I think girls only do with their sisters. And just when I think I have really had it with room sharing - E was screaming after bath today because she got a paper cut at school, which woke the baby up - we close the door and I hear E saying, "It's ok Baby Cara. They're going to come back soon. Just close your eyes." The crying fades away and turns to laughs and giggles. And Paul and I turn to each other and sigh.

End Day 11.

Oops.

First violation. Forgot to blog yesterday. Was too busy getting everything ready for.... E's first day of preschool! Drop off went swimmingly.  Hoping she has a great day today.

End Day 10.