We have a new staple meal in the house. Scrambled egg over rice with nori. E came home starving today, took one look at the beef and broccoli I'd made, made a big frown, and promptly declared, "I want something else. I don't want this!"
Meal planning has been a source of stress ever since E decided she would eat about 25% of the things she had eaten all her life. Her primary reasons for not eating certain things are because they are the wrong color. She dislikes yellow food - so no pasta with a yellow tinge, no bananas. I think pineapple is the only exception on that one. And eggs. She doesn't like brown food either, unless it's chocolate. And she generally does not eat much meat, except for kalbi and bacon, both of which are sort of brown. So her whole paradigm doesn't really make sense, but then again, what about the mind of a three-year old does? (I think if I had to pick two meats to eat, those would be my picks too. So maybe we're not all that different.)
Anyway, I suppose tonight was a small victory that I created a new meal for her that was not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and had some kind of protein in it - even, dare I say, a vegetable. Does nori count as a vegetable? Probably only as much as ketchup does. She ate every last bite of her dinner tonight.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Day 13: Teachability
Today was a packed day. We got thrown off by daylight saving's time - everybody woke up late and before we knew it, we had missed 9am service. So we went to Whole Foods and did some grocery shopping and had a late breakfast; then I took E to 12pm service since C still has a mild case of pink eye. I was exhausted from the grocery run since both kids insisted on walking (well, running) through the store, pulling random things off shelves, dancing in the aisles, and I was chasing after them wishing that I had just gone shopping alone.
So I thought about skipping church, but we had said that I was going to take E to church and if we'd stayed home she probably would have just spent two hours watching TV or something. I'm glad I did. Today Tim was preaching on Job 32. His main question was: Are you teachable? Or have difficult circumstances made you feel justified in your sinfulness?
I will confess now that I am not naturally teachable when it comes to my own character. I am stubborn, prideful, often very hesitant to admit my weaknesses. I get defensive when my motives are questioned. I shut down when I'm hurt or have to express my deepest feelings on the spot. Today's sermon really applied to me, and I thought immediately about an argument that Paul and I had a few weeks ago. It was about a small issue, but made me think about a bigger issue in my own heart.
We had arrived at church one Sunday, and I was trying to get E out of the car seat. The car next to us was parked really closely to us. I opened the car door, letting it gently make contact with the adjacent car's door. Paul noticed and asked me not to let our car's door touch the other car. He said he had noticed that I had done the same thing when we were out the day before, and didn't like it. People in LA can be pretty protective over their cars, and he thought that allowing contact to happen between our car and another was inviting conflict. Fair enough.
I immediately got defensive, saying I was careful when I opened the door and didn't slam it into the other car - I had gently rested our car door touching the other car door. How else was I supposed to get my kid out of the car? To make a long story short, the rest of the conversation didn't go very well between the two of us, and as sometimes happens, we started arguing over a little thing that became an argument about a bigger picture issue, often about our communication styles. Paul felt that I wasn't listening to him, that I was being unnecessarily defensive, and that I wasn't taking his feedback well. He felt like I disregarded him. I felt that he was making a big deal about something very small, and that shouldn't the whole world understand that I'm just trying to get my kid out of the car? I really didn't care about the other cars or the people that owned them, and I didn't understand why he cared enough to have to talk about it.
Well, here's where I realized that I have this new attitude now about people. I don't care much about other people when it has to do with making my life with kids easier. I'd like the closest parking spot, the first place in any line, the empty seat on a plane, the best booth at a restaurant - you name it, and I'll tell you I need it because, oh poor me, having little kids is so hard. I think I've developed an entitlement in being a parent of two kids in that I feel like everything is difficult enough, so anyone who is not making it easier to deal with everyday life with kids should just get out of my way. My Mama Bear energy is ready to bulldoze anyone that makes anything less convenient for me. And don't even get me started on how protective I can get. This Mama Bear has claws, and they ain't pretty.
So, Mama Bear is going unchecked. Mama Bear has attitude. Mama Bear is not doing a very good job loving others. Mama Bear was an impatient person to begin with, and now has even less patience for stopping and having a teachable moment. Mama Bear does not want to confess her bad attitude. Mama Bear thinks she's untouchable when she's wearing her mama hat because isn't being a mama some elevated role for women in the Bible? Can mama really do wrong when her intentions have everything to do with providing a good life for the kids?
Here is where I am wrong, very wrong. It is so easy to idolize your own children sometimes and put them on a pedestal far above everyone and everything else in the entire world. It is so easy to let parenting justify whatever action or thought that wants to come out just because parenting feels hard sometimes. And although this thing about the car door may have been a small issue, where I am really wrong is in building these fortified walls around my heart that were supposed to make me tougher or stronger as a mom, but are really just backfiring and making me a pretty cold and irritable person at times. And my poor husband knows this better than anyone. Today God reminded me of this moment. I think he wanted to tell me that in any obstacle or difficult circumstance, whether my kids are running buck wild through Whole Foods or not, that loving God comes first and with loving God means loving His people. It means loving Him enough to listen to Him, to receive Him, to stop pushing Him away and thinking I can do everything on my own. Because Lord help me, I can't.
So I thought about skipping church, but we had said that I was going to take E to church and if we'd stayed home she probably would have just spent two hours watching TV or something. I'm glad I did. Today Tim was preaching on Job 32. His main question was: Are you teachable? Or have difficult circumstances made you feel justified in your sinfulness?
I will confess now that I am not naturally teachable when it comes to my own character. I am stubborn, prideful, often very hesitant to admit my weaknesses. I get defensive when my motives are questioned. I shut down when I'm hurt or have to express my deepest feelings on the spot. Today's sermon really applied to me, and I thought immediately about an argument that Paul and I had a few weeks ago. It was about a small issue, but made me think about a bigger issue in my own heart.
We had arrived at church one Sunday, and I was trying to get E out of the car seat. The car next to us was parked really closely to us. I opened the car door, letting it gently make contact with the adjacent car's door. Paul noticed and asked me not to let our car's door touch the other car. He said he had noticed that I had done the same thing when we were out the day before, and didn't like it. People in LA can be pretty protective over their cars, and he thought that allowing contact to happen between our car and another was inviting conflict. Fair enough.
I immediately got defensive, saying I was careful when I opened the door and didn't slam it into the other car - I had gently rested our car door touching the other car door. How else was I supposed to get my kid out of the car? To make a long story short, the rest of the conversation didn't go very well between the two of us, and as sometimes happens, we started arguing over a little thing that became an argument about a bigger picture issue, often about our communication styles. Paul felt that I wasn't listening to him, that I was being unnecessarily defensive, and that I wasn't taking his feedback well. He felt like I disregarded him. I felt that he was making a big deal about something very small, and that shouldn't the whole world understand that I'm just trying to get my kid out of the car? I really didn't care about the other cars or the people that owned them, and I didn't understand why he cared enough to have to talk about it.
Well, here's where I realized that I have this new attitude now about people. I don't care much about other people when it has to do with making my life with kids easier. I'd like the closest parking spot, the first place in any line, the empty seat on a plane, the best booth at a restaurant - you name it, and I'll tell you I need it because, oh poor me, having little kids is so hard. I think I've developed an entitlement in being a parent of two kids in that I feel like everything is difficult enough, so anyone who is not making it easier to deal with everyday life with kids should just get out of my way. My Mama Bear energy is ready to bulldoze anyone that makes anything less convenient for me. And don't even get me started on how protective I can get. This Mama Bear has claws, and they ain't pretty.
So, Mama Bear is going unchecked. Mama Bear has attitude. Mama Bear is not doing a very good job loving others. Mama Bear was an impatient person to begin with, and now has even less patience for stopping and having a teachable moment. Mama Bear does not want to confess her bad attitude. Mama Bear thinks she's untouchable when she's wearing her mama hat because isn't being a mama some elevated role for women in the Bible? Can mama really do wrong when her intentions have everything to do with providing a good life for the kids?
Here is where I am wrong, very wrong. It is so easy to idolize your own children sometimes and put them on a pedestal far above everyone and everything else in the entire world. It is so easy to let parenting justify whatever action or thought that wants to come out just because parenting feels hard sometimes. And although this thing about the car door may have been a small issue, where I am really wrong is in building these fortified walls around my heart that were supposed to make me tougher or stronger as a mom, but are really just backfiring and making me a pretty cold and irritable person at times. And my poor husband knows this better than anyone. Today God reminded me of this moment. I think he wanted to tell me that in any obstacle or difficult circumstance, whether my kids are running buck wild through Whole Foods or not, that loving God comes first and with loving God means loving His people. It means loving Him enough to listen to Him, to receive Him, to stop pushing Him away and thinking I can do everything on my own. Because Lord help me, I can't.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Day 12: On Being Important
What a nice Saturday was. I need these weekends so badly with the kids now that they're in full-time care. Being away last weekend made me feel like I hadn't seen them in ages.
It's funny how quickly a workday can go by, and how slowly a day taking care of kids go by. When I looked at the clock this morning, I thought surely it must almost be naptime, and it was only 10am. I think that means I'm kind of rusty at being mommy all day. Despite the fact that we spend less time together than we used to, I can still see how important I am to both of them, and it astounds me. There is just something about mommy that makes a kid their worst and best self all at the same time - from letting all the tantrums loose to all the "I love yous" that I could possibly bear. I am so important to them, and it humbles me and burdens me at the same time. I'm learning this as I navigate how many guitar related things I can take on. I had a choice to go see an important concert tonight, but wanted to be home to put them down instead of rushing out right after dinner. And as I read the fifth book to E tonight, I savored how important it was for me to be with her at that moment. She gave a substantial fight tonight in getting ready for bed, but was sweet at the end. Knowing I have to leave for another trip on Thursday makes me sad, but also reminds me that I cherish our time together so much more knowing how it feels to be gone.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Day 11: Finally, Friday
I'm tired. We had juries this week, and I sat through five hours of good and bad guitar playing. Pretty brutal. Accepted one new student today. Hope she's good (yes, another girl). In the middle of juries, daycare called me twice saying that C had pink eye. Then I check FB and see cute pictures of her playing. Hmmm. Paul picks her up early to find one modestly goopy eye, but nothing else. Just another week in the life of toddlerhood.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Day 10: Someone with Feet
It's one of those nights. We had just settled in front of the TV to watch episode 4 of the new season of House of Cards, ice cream in hand, when I heard a moan from E's room. She seemed extremely tired tonight, and I was proud to get her down on a school night by 8:15. But now she's complaining that she doesn't want to be alone, and Paul is in her room face down, pretending to be asleep at the foot of her bed. Well, by now he's probably not pretending...
Now it's almost 10pm and he's still in there with his face down. I can hear them whispering together and counting, and once in awhile he sings a hymn. I remember now that this hasn't happened for awhile - we've had a good 6 month stretch where she's been faithfully going to bed and staying there. Not sure what has triggered this, but inside, I am smiling as I watch my dear husband patiently troubleshoot this and also feel just a little bit glad that our little girl is still little and needs us so much, just today. Now if it gets to be midnight and I'm the one in there, I won't be so happy about it. But for now, I'll delight in this anecdote:
E: I want a grown-up in my room.
Me: Big Ninny is a grown-up. She's Bear-Bear's mom. She's right here next to you.
(Big Ninny is what she calls her giant Hello Kitty doll. It's round and ball-shaped, larger than a soccer ball).
E: Well, I want someone with feet.
Now it's almost 10pm and he's still in there with his face down. I can hear them whispering together and counting, and once in awhile he sings a hymn. I remember now that this hasn't happened for awhile - we've had a good 6 month stretch where she's been faithfully going to bed and staying there. Not sure what has triggered this, but inside, I am smiling as I watch my dear husband patiently troubleshoot this and also feel just a little bit glad that our little girl is still little and needs us so much, just today. Now if it gets to be midnight and I'm the one in there, I won't be so happy about it. But for now, I'll delight in this anecdote:
E: I want a grown-up in my room.
Me: Big Ninny is a grown-up. She's Bear-Bear's mom. She's right here next to you.
(Big Ninny is what she calls her giant Hello Kitty doll. It's round and ball-shaped, larger than a soccer ball).
E: Well, I want someone with feet.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Day 9: Little Lovey Dovey
E has been quite verbal in her affections for her us lately. She frequently looks at us with a sweet smile, tilts her head to one side, and says in a very high voice, "Mommy, I LOVE you. I really, really, really LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU!" She then proceeds to hug and kiss me profusely. Same to the rest of the family. "Daddy, I LOVE YOU. I love Cara. I love Jesus! Cara loves Jesus!" When all combinations of everyone loving everyone else and Jesus are exhausted, she then continues to gaze lovingly at us. "I love it when you're here! I love our family! You are the mommy I've always wanted. I love you just the way you are!"
It can be a little suffocating at times, but it is the sweetest thing and I'll take it over her behavior half a year ago or a year ago any day. 3 1/2 is a pretty magical age sometimes. Lately, she actually listens to me when I ask her to get changed or go to bed, and though it takes awhile sometimes, she is mostly delightful and it seems that tantrums are a thing of the past for the most part. I think it's empowering for her to be able to verbalize her feelings so well, and to know that she is absolutely overflowing with love is pretty amazing.
It can be a little suffocating at times, but it is the sweetest thing and I'll take it over her behavior half a year ago or a year ago any day. 3 1/2 is a pretty magical age sometimes. Lately, she actually listens to me when I ask her to get changed or go to bed, and though it takes awhile sometimes, she is mostly delightful and it seems that tantrums are a thing of the past for the most part. I think it's empowering for her to be able to verbalize her feelings so well, and to know that she is absolutely overflowing with love is pretty amazing.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Day 8: What to ask for?
I have seen God answer powerfully in my life when we focus on 40 days of something. In 2008, I fasted meat for 40 days and we saw God answer by relocating us to LA. Last year, at the end of 40 days of blogging we found a house.
I'm not listing this to toot my own horn, but to remember God's faithfulness in my life. I'm praying that at the end of this 40 days we will find ways to make C's eczema more manageable. Today the allergist's office called me back and said we were approved to make an appointment - yes, it required pre-consulation with our ped to even schedule an appointment. If this doctor can't help us, I don't know who can. He was trained at the country's leading hospital in eczema research (Jewish National Hospital in Denver) and is a pediatric allergist and immunologist. If he gives us steroid cream and tells me that she'll grow out of it, I will eat my hat.
The appointment is not for another two weeks - that's the soonest they had - so in the meantime, we will continue the new apple cider vinegar regiment and see how things go. Watching, waiting, and praying. And oh yes, another concert next weekend. Not time to retire yet...
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