Today we went to three open houses. The kids were champs through it all, despite how many times we pulled them in and out of the car through the heat of an 80 degree afternoon. One house was too small, one house was too big, one house was too weird.
E is starting to love open houses. But when I asked her which house was her favorite of the day, she paused and then thoughtfully said, "The Benton house."
There's no place like home. End Day 9.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
On cities.
Driving home from work today, I thought about all the reasons that I want my kids to grow up in an urban environment. I didn't really grow up in one, but I spent my most formative years in the city of all cities - New York City, of course, and somehow seem to have permanently fallen in love with the idea of The City. Why the city, one might ask, when you have two small kids? Don't you want bigger spaces, clean strip malls, neatly manicured neighborhoods of houses that all look the same?
I really don't, to be honest. There is something about living in places where everything looks the same that makes me feel really uninterested and uninspired. I love the mix of things that you find in cities - varied architecture, hole-in-the-wall ethnic food, hipster bodegas, people of all different backgrounds and corners of the world. Maybe it's idealistic of me to think that all those things can still go together well while raising a family, but I think it's possible here, and I believe God loves cities and all of the diversity that makes them up.
After all, Jesus wept for Jerusalem (Luke 19:41) - not for the suburbs. Cities can be broken and sinful, but they need salt and light. That's our highest calling.
End Day 8.
Friday, March 28, 2014
The World's Longest Day
Today must have been the world's longest day. Baby was up at 5:30am, right before hubby left for the train. She took short naps today too, three naps about an hour each (that's short for her!). Toddler was tired by noon but would not nap even when we were in the car for 20-30 minutes. She insisted on listening to Magic Flute arias instead and critiqued each performance by saying, "She's a good singer" or "I no like this one."
Funny how slowly time goes by when you're watching kids on your own and you have no set plans for the day. It crawls by. At 10:15am, I thought, surely it must be lunch time. I'd better cook something. And by 4:30, we were eating dinner already - a TJ's frozen pizza which E rejected. (What kind of toddler rejects pizza? Picky food phase is making me crazy.)
Hubby's train will not get into nearly 10 tonight. The one day he was home this week, our cleaner was here and so were the kids, making the home office nearly impossible to work from. We need to move, but where? I am not done here in LA. E starts preschool next week. We love it here. We are not done.
So today, we went for a walk, with C in the Ergo and E running along beside me. I told them about the very first prayer walk we ever took down our street. It was right after we put an application down for our house. We prayed for the neighborhood and prayed that this would be our home, and God answered. So today we took the same walk and prayed again - Lord, guide us to where you want us to live. Please.
The world's longest day may actually bear some fruit. End Day 7.
Funny how slowly time goes by when you're watching kids on your own and you have no set plans for the day. It crawls by. At 10:15am, I thought, surely it must be lunch time. I'd better cook something. And by 4:30, we were eating dinner already - a TJ's frozen pizza which E rejected. (What kind of toddler rejects pizza? Picky food phase is making me crazy.)
Hubby's train will not get into nearly 10 tonight. The one day he was home this week, our cleaner was here and so were the kids, making the home office nearly impossible to work from. We need to move, but where? I am not done here in LA. E starts preschool next week. We love it here. We are not done.
So today, we went for a walk, with C in the Ergo and E running along beside me. I told them about the very first prayer walk we ever took down our street. It was right after we put an application down for our house. We prayed for the neighborhood and prayed that this would be our home, and God answered. So today we took the same walk and prayed again - Lord, guide us to where you want us to live. Please.
The world's longest day may actually bear some fruit. End Day 7.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Open House
Today on an afternoon walk, E and I stumbled upon an open house in our area. "Ooh, an open house," I said. "Open house!" she repeated enthusiastically, having no idea what it meant.
We walked over to the house and decided that it was perfect. Two bedrooms on the ground floor, each with their own bathroom, and a top floor with a loft bedroom and open bathroom, and a detached garage that had been converted into an office space. Beautiful views of Silverlake and on one of the prettiest streets in the neighborhood. As I looked in each room, E would repeat my reaction with utmost excitement.
Me: "Gorgeous bathroom."
E: "Gorgeous!"
Me: "Whoa, look at this walk-in closet."
E: "How cool!"
Me: "There's another floor up there."
E: "Look at these steps!"
Exactly what we are looking for, at the fair price of....$1.15 million dollars!
I have no idea why houses in our neighborhood can begin to be sold for upwards of $1M. I mean, I love where we currently live, and the some of the views around are beautiful. But seriously?!
End Day 6.
We walked over to the house and decided that it was perfect. Two bedrooms on the ground floor, each with their own bathroom, and a top floor with a loft bedroom and open bathroom, and a detached garage that had been converted into an office space. Beautiful views of Silverlake and on one of the prettiest streets in the neighborhood. As I looked in each room, E would repeat my reaction with utmost excitement.
Me: "Gorgeous bathroom."
E: "Gorgeous!"
Me: "Whoa, look at this walk-in closet."
E: "How cool!"
Me: "There's another floor up there."
E: "Look at these steps!"
Exactly what we are looking for, at the fair price of....$1.15 million dollars!
I have no idea why houses in our neighborhood can begin to be sold for upwards of $1M. I mean, I love where we currently live, and the some of the views around are beautiful. But seriously?!
End Day 6.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Little sinner
E has now begun getting out of bed after lights are out, even though she knows she's not supposed to. Activities include putting Doll to sleep with various blankets on the floor, looking at puzzles and books, and throwing stuffed animals in her sleeping sister's crib. How C sleeps through all of this nonsense I have no idea. She has my husband's awesome sleeping genes, I guess.
The funny thing is that when E hears me coming to her room, she runs back to bed to pretend that she was never out of bed, knowing that she's done something wrong. But I guess the thrill of just seeing if she can get away with it is worth the effort. This is the first instance I can recall of real dishonesty, and it's fascinating and slightly infuriating too. When I come into her room, she is purposely super sweet to me to deter me from the truth of her deviousness, asking for extra kisses and saying "Ai-nee" (love you) with a big grin on her face. You little sinner, I think to myself.
"Is this what she's going to be like as a teenager?" asks her daddy. "No," I say. "It will be far worse."
End Day 5.
The funny thing is that when E hears me coming to her room, she runs back to bed to pretend that she was never out of bed, knowing that she's done something wrong. But I guess the thrill of just seeing if she can get away with it is worth the effort. This is the first instance I can recall of real dishonesty, and it's fascinating and slightly infuriating too. When I come into her room, she is purposely super sweet to me to deter me from the truth of her deviousness, asking for extra kisses and saying "Ai-nee" (love you) with a big grin on her face. You little sinner, I think to myself.
"Is this what she's going to be like as a teenager?" asks her daddy. "No," I say. "It will be far worse."
End Day 5.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Everything is a phase.
Sometimes the hardest things are just the ones you think are hard. And when you stop overthinking it, it gets easier. This seems to always be the case with parenting. Just when you think there's this huge issue with your kid, they stop doing it and it gets easier. And just like that, the problem is gone.
End Day 4.
End Day 4.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Oh, what a night.
Every time that hubby leaves town, something weird happens. Last time, I got food poisoning. It was my own fault - I ate Chinese food leftovers that had been sitting in the car for two hours like it was the only food left on earth. It was delicious. But I was up every two hours that night with the runs.
Last night was a little unusual too. It started normally. Baby down at 7pm. Toddler down by 8pm. Me and my exhausted self in bed by 9:30pm. Toddler cries at 11pm. She's not really awake, but I go in and put her blanket on her and her lovey bear on her face. I sneak out without waking the baby. Toddler cries again at 12:30am. Again, she's not really awake, but she's upside down in her bed so I flip her around and put blankets on her. But she's cried louder this time, so the baby wakes up. I nurse the baby reluctantly and then she goes back down without a peep. Ah, I think to myself. Now I can get a nice little stretch of sleep if only the baby would sleep until the morning.
4am. There's incessant high-pitched barking from downstairs. I quickly burst out of bed and run downstairs cursing the dog the whole time. I let her out of her bag and she's beelining for the door. She only does this when she's really gotta go. So I'm walking her at 4am, without my glasses on, hoping that there are no weirdos on the street. We go maybe two houses down and the dog is squatting every two feet, trying to get whatever-it-is out of her system. I'm pulling her leash, cursing her the whole time, and we come back inside. She runs to the wee-wee pad and continues her business, misses, which means I'm cleaning the floor now that it is nearly 4:30am. I curse the dog one final time and go back to bed.
5:30am. More incessant high-pitched barking. We do the drill again. I have again forgotten to put on my glasses in the midst of running downstairs, and I still have an eye mask on my face. I'm a groggy mess, but here I go again, pulling the dog out and watching her squat every two feet outside. We come back inside and she won't go back in the bag. I stick her in the car and figure she won't die for the hour and half it will be before the kids wake up.
But I look on the monitor and the baby is already awake. She's on her tummy, cooing. I go in and nurse her and she smiles and wants to play with me by grabbing my nose while nursing. When she's done I try to put her back down but she won't have it. I don't want the toddler to wake up, so I take her back to my room with me, and we lie in bed together, me with my eyes half closed and her grabbing my face and hair. We eventually fall asleep for a little bit, and I actually enjoy this sweet snuggle time. Since hubby's not here, that means a little more bed for each of us to sprawl out. The baby is sprawled out with both arms out, and I'm huddled on the edge of the bed. Even without him here, she's still taking up most of the bed. I put pillows on both sides of her so that she hopefully will not roll off when she wakes.
7am. I hear the toddler crying. "I want baby Cara!" she cries. "I really, REALLY want her!" "She's sleeping," I say, and I snuggle with her in her little toddler bed for a few minutes. This seems to suffice for now and we go downstairs for breakfast. I go up to move the baby to the crib, but she's sleeping so beautifully that I can't bear to move her. I give a bottle of lotion to the toddler to play with and run out to the car to get the dog, who is not dead. I walk her a bit and she's still squatting and this time she's pretty much almost done. But she has rubbed her bottom on the sidewalk and there is dirt and poop all over her fur. I don't want that on my carpet, so when we get inside, I throw her in the bathtub and give her a bath. My toddler has lotion all over her hair. We giggle about it.
I drop the kids off at daycare by 9am, and then sit in my very quiet house. It's quiet for a few minutes, until the construction on the fence between our house and our neighbor's house resumes. I take out my laptop to do some work. I'm editing something and then feel extremely drowsy, so I go up to bed, the construction sounds loud as ever. I fall asleep for three hours. I take a shower, fold the laundry, walk the dog, eat some leftovers, return some library books, and it is almost time to pick up the kids. I quickly edit a few more documents and call it a productive work day.
Now it's quiet in the house and I am watching on the monitor as the toddler runs back and forth putting stuffed animals into the sleeping baby's crib. Room sharing is failing for the most part. But it's still cute when they're actually both asleep. Even if we had a bigger house, I'm not sure I'd change anything. If only everybody would just stay asleep. Including the dog. End of Day 3.
Last night was a little unusual too. It started normally. Baby down at 7pm. Toddler down by 8pm. Me and my exhausted self in bed by 9:30pm. Toddler cries at 11pm. She's not really awake, but I go in and put her blanket on her and her lovey bear on her face. I sneak out without waking the baby. Toddler cries again at 12:30am. Again, she's not really awake, but she's upside down in her bed so I flip her around and put blankets on her. But she's cried louder this time, so the baby wakes up. I nurse the baby reluctantly and then she goes back down without a peep. Ah, I think to myself. Now I can get a nice little stretch of sleep if only the baby would sleep until the morning.
4am. There's incessant high-pitched barking from downstairs. I quickly burst out of bed and run downstairs cursing the dog the whole time. I let her out of her bag and she's beelining for the door. She only does this when she's really gotta go. So I'm walking her at 4am, without my glasses on, hoping that there are no weirdos on the street. We go maybe two houses down and the dog is squatting every two feet, trying to get whatever-it-is out of her system. I'm pulling her leash, cursing her the whole time, and we come back inside. She runs to the wee-wee pad and continues her business, misses, which means I'm cleaning the floor now that it is nearly 4:30am. I curse the dog one final time and go back to bed.
5:30am. More incessant high-pitched barking. We do the drill again. I have again forgotten to put on my glasses in the midst of running downstairs, and I still have an eye mask on my face. I'm a groggy mess, but here I go again, pulling the dog out and watching her squat every two feet outside. We come back inside and she won't go back in the bag. I stick her in the car and figure she won't die for the hour and half it will be before the kids wake up.
But I look on the monitor and the baby is already awake. She's on her tummy, cooing. I go in and nurse her and she smiles and wants to play with me by grabbing my nose while nursing. When she's done I try to put her back down but she won't have it. I don't want the toddler to wake up, so I take her back to my room with me, and we lie in bed together, me with my eyes half closed and her grabbing my face and hair. We eventually fall asleep for a little bit, and I actually enjoy this sweet snuggle time. Since hubby's not here, that means a little more bed for each of us to sprawl out. The baby is sprawled out with both arms out, and I'm huddled on the edge of the bed. Even without him here, she's still taking up most of the bed. I put pillows on both sides of her so that she hopefully will not roll off when she wakes.
7am. I hear the toddler crying. "I want baby Cara!" she cries. "I really, REALLY want her!" "She's sleeping," I say, and I snuggle with her in her little toddler bed for a few minutes. This seems to suffice for now and we go downstairs for breakfast. I go up to move the baby to the crib, but she's sleeping so beautifully that I can't bear to move her. I give a bottle of lotion to the toddler to play with and run out to the car to get the dog, who is not dead. I walk her a bit and she's still squatting and this time she's pretty much almost done. But she has rubbed her bottom on the sidewalk and there is dirt and poop all over her fur. I don't want that on my carpet, so when we get inside, I throw her in the bathtub and give her a bath. My toddler has lotion all over her hair. We giggle about it.
I drop the kids off at daycare by 9am, and then sit in my very quiet house. It's quiet for a few minutes, until the construction on the fence between our house and our neighbor's house resumes. I take out my laptop to do some work. I'm editing something and then feel extremely drowsy, so I go up to bed, the construction sounds loud as ever. I fall asleep for three hours. I take a shower, fold the laundry, walk the dog, eat some leftovers, return some library books, and it is almost time to pick up the kids. I quickly edit a few more documents and call it a productive work day.
Now it's quiet in the house and I am watching on the monitor as the toddler runs back and forth putting stuffed animals into the sleeping baby's crib. Room sharing is failing for the most part. But it's still cute when they're actually both asleep. Even if we had a bigger house, I'm not sure I'd change anything. If only everybody would just stay asleep. Including the dog. End of Day 3.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Just cling.
I'm single-mommying this week. Hubby is in NYC the next two days, then mostly in SD the rest of the work week. I might see him maybe on Thursday. Maybe. Sigh.
Today I asked for prayer at church because there was a knot in my stomach as we continue in this season of hubby working a lot more than I'm used to. The woman who prayed for me was a mother herself, one of the older women in our church. She prayed for everything I needed in my heart, even without me telling her. All I said was that I needed strength while Paul works more and the brunt of the childrearing falls on my shoulders. But she knew exactly what to ask for. She prayed for my babies to sleep through the night. She prayed against temper tantrums. She prayed that they would eat, play, nap, and listen. I bawled on her shoulder, with Cara in the Ergo. It was perfect.
I have a funny way of trying to depend on God only when things are hard. When things aren't hard, my heart is proud and forgetful of His loyalty to me. I'm often blinded by my own resolve. I am glad things are tough right now. I feel so completely dependent on God's grace on me, that if I stop clinging to Him for a second, I may just fall apart. It is actually a good feeling. End Day 2.
Today I asked for prayer at church because there was a knot in my stomach as we continue in this season of hubby working a lot more than I'm used to. The woman who prayed for me was a mother herself, one of the older women in our church. She prayed for everything I needed in my heart, even without me telling her. All I said was that I needed strength while Paul works more and the brunt of the childrearing falls on my shoulders. But she knew exactly what to ask for. She prayed for my babies to sleep through the night. She prayed against temper tantrums. She prayed that they would eat, play, nap, and listen. I bawled on her shoulder, with Cara in the Ergo. It was perfect.
I have a funny way of trying to depend on God only when things are hard. When things aren't hard, my heart is proud and forgetful of His loyalty to me. I'm often blinded by my own resolve. I am glad things are tough right now. I feel so completely dependent on God's grace on me, that if I stop clinging to Him for a second, I may just fall apart. It is actually a good feeling. End Day 2.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Please stop biting me.
I think I will dust off this blog.
I am thinking about blogging for the next forty days - yes, it's Lent, and I am late to the party, but then again, I really have no idea what day of the week, month, year, hour it is because I am so tired all the time and it is perpetually 80 degrees here in LA. I don't even have seasons to be markers in my life. It's just a blur of sunshine. We've missed church the last few weeks because teething sleep was so bad that I couldn't keep my head on straight and it was just easier not to leave the house lest I have to put clothes on everybody and pack snacks and milk. Despite missing church a lot, the Spirit is definitely moving here. 2014 so far has been all about shaking us up. I'll explain that another day.
It occurred to me that my children are growing before my eyes and I am too tired to enjoy it and document it. That made me sad. We have pictures. We have videos. But I do not have much record of reflection. This 40 days shall not contain pictures and cute baby videos. It's going to be all text all the time. Because I need it. And if you happen to read it, cool. Leave me a comment or something. It's not going to be great writing, but I hope it will be something.
Now that my concert season is over, and Paul is busy as a bee with work, I am at capacity in every way possible as the more available parent. I love it and at the same time I often can't stand it. I love being the only person that my daughters could possibly want at certain moments, and yet I long for the freedom to set my own schedule, nap whenever I want, and be me again.
But then, what is me these days?
I'll be very general. There are moments in being a parent that I feel that I am as much of myself as I have ever been and that I realize that if I had not had children, there would be parts of myself that I would have never known. That is a strange realization. I then look at my 7 month old baby and think to myself, "You, small person, have made me completely reanalyze who I am, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I will be. Thank you very much. Now please stop biting me."
It is 8:37pm, so I will now take a shower and collapse in bed before 9pm, I hope. End of Day 1.
I am thinking about blogging for the next forty days - yes, it's Lent, and I am late to the party, but then again, I really have no idea what day of the week, month, year, hour it is because I am so tired all the time and it is perpetually 80 degrees here in LA. I don't even have seasons to be markers in my life. It's just a blur of sunshine. We've missed church the last few weeks because teething sleep was so bad that I couldn't keep my head on straight and it was just easier not to leave the house lest I have to put clothes on everybody and pack snacks and milk. Despite missing church a lot, the Spirit is definitely moving here. 2014 so far has been all about shaking us up. I'll explain that another day.
It occurred to me that my children are growing before my eyes and I am too tired to enjoy it and document it. That made me sad. We have pictures. We have videos. But I do not have much record of reflection. This 40 days shall not contain pictures and cute baby videos. It's going to be all text all the time. Because I need it. And if you happen to read it, cool. Leave me a comment or something. It's not going to be great writing, but I hope it will be something.
Now that my concert season is over, and Paul is busy as a bee with work, I am at capacity in every way possible as the more available parent. I love it and at the same time I often can't stand it. I love being the only person that my daughters could possibly want at certain moments, and yet I long for the freedom to set my own schedule, nap whenever I want, and be me again.
But then, what is me these days?
I'll be very general. There are moments in being a parent that I feel that I am as much of myself as I have ever been and that I realize that if I had not had children, there would be parts of myself that I would have never known. That is a strange realization. I then look at my 7 month old baby and think to myself, "You, small person, have made me completely reanalyze who I am, who I want to be, who I've been, and who I will be. Thank you very much. Now please stop biting me."
It is 8:37pm, so I will now take a shower and collapse in bed before 9pm, I hope. End of Day 1.
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