Love and Fear

I suppose that when you start to love anyone, the most human thing you can do is also become afraid. I never feared starting to love my parents or siblings since I've always known them, although I have feared losing them so much that even now, just thinking about that will often bring me to tears. With my husband, I grew to love him very gradually, dipping my toes in the water a little bit at a time, giving my heart time to process and consider if this endeavor would be worth the pain if I were ever to lose him someday. When it finally decided yes, it was already too late; I was in love with him and could not be convinced out of it even if I tried.

I wonder about this love/fear phenomenon because ever since Elisa was born, I have begun loving her so intensely that sometimes it brings on these gigantic fears. This past weekend, I turned 30 and my mother graciously offered to watch the baby for a night while Paul and I went to Napa for a surprise getaway. I had a fabulous day. He had booked me 2 hours of spa time, which was followed by a lovely little picnic on the balcony of our room before we went out to dinner. I was looking forward to a full night's sleep in the plush hotel bed, but could not fall asleep for the life of me. There was this huge void in my heart and I lay there awake, staring into the darkness while Paul snored away peacefully, thinking about the baby and missing her like crazy. Even though she was with my own mother (who sent me photos of her every hour) and I had no reason to be afraid for her safety or her life, the irrational, terrible demon of fear started to devour my mind. I tried my best to stop thinking and feeling scared that something could happen to her, to stop worrying for once and let sleep overtake my tired body, but I couldn't.

I woke Paul up after tossing and turning for a few hours and he was sweet enough to process all of this with me and pray with me. Instead of reassuring me that she would be perfectly fine and safe, he reminded me that everything was in God's control and that I needed to trust God's hand in this new journey of motherhood. Such a hard thing for me to do, especially in the wee hours of the morning. It isn't true that my baby will always be healthy and safe, but it is true that God's plan is always better than mine, and here is this new area of my life that I need to continually lay down at His feet and say, "You give and take away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

On the long drive back to LA, I continued thinking about this new blessing in my life that I have not yet learned how to submit to God. My heart has been so full that amidst the exhaustion, it often feels like it is about to burst - and I think, how could loving a little person so much ever steer me away from Him? But God calls us to love Him above and beyond anyone else, even our kin, our own flesh and blood. It was this very relationship, that of parent and child, that God decided to use to demonstrate His immense love for me on the cross. I don't think I have ever fully grasped what it means to give your own son for someone else's life, and in that moment as we drove into the sunset on interstate 5 gazing upon cows and dry landscapes, it hit me what this great sacrifice really was - that God gave His son, in all His perfection, to die so that I could live. And God probably felt the intense love for His child the way I feel about Elisa, but a thousand times over. Could it be that He gave me this child so that I could get a better grasp, if even just a tiny inkling, around the whole concept of the meaning of the gospel ?

I think so. I think Elisa is in my life because somehow loving her does bring me closer to my Maker. And not because her life will be perfect or free from sickness or hardship, but because when I lay down this precious gift in my life to my Lord and King, I am loving Him a little bit more - and that is indeed my greatest calling as a mother.