So far, it's been this whirlwind of emotions - some which I expected, some I had no idea even existed. I don't think I realized from the very beginning that pregnancy was the easiest part, no matter how uncomfortable I was at nine months. I was so tired of people giving me stupid comments like, "Wow, you look like you're about to pop!" or "How in the world can you still play the guitar?" But it was true - I was pretty much unable to play the guitar with my belly that big, and walked about as fast as an elephant on sedatives. I also had to be near a bathroom at all times, which limited my choice of activities so much so that my idea of "exercise" became walking down every aisle of Target soaking up the air conditioning. And then there was my 36 hours of labor and delivery (the most pain I have ever experienced in my life), which was followed by a crying, wet baby being placed on my chest, leaving me confused about why I wasn't allowed to just sleep 10 hours right then, but that now I was supposed to learn the beautiful "art" of breastfeeding?!
You're supposed to fall in love with your baby when you first lay eyes on her, but I didn't have my glasses on and I was really sweaty. So as they stitched me up and I was straining to see what was going on, asking my doctor if she was almost done and asking my husband, "What does she look like?!" - I guess you could say I fell in love with her the second time I laid eyes on her, when I was a little more alert and had corrective vision working for me.
And now, as I watch her grow and change every day, I'm overwhelmed - that this little person somehow came out of my body; that she will grow up and be an adult someday; that when she smiles, I see my husband's face on her; and that we are inextricably linked to her even after we both pass, however depressing that may be. I look into her wide eyes as she spits up on my shirt or pees on my hand while I change her diaper, and I think - wow, you are the most amazing creature I have ever seen. You are so amazingly beautiful I just want to eat you. (Her middle name is Madeleine, which is a cake after all.) And I am overwhelmed with love, and even at 3am when I am feeding her for the zillionth time, I understand why people do this.
1 comment:
i love this description of your first few weeks of motherhood! nearly brought tears to my eyes (but i'm at the office right now :P) congratulations again, connie and paul. i'm so happy for you. looking forward to reading more about your adventures in babyland!
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