Satisfied and dreaming

I have to say that I love my program. Lately I've been thinking that I think I would have been a much better guitarist had I come to USC earlier in life, like for undergrad or masters. It's a combination of the amazingly supportive guitar faculty who have the sharpest ears and most intelligent musical insight while being articulate enough to explain kinesthetic concepts and technical ways of playing the guitar easier, more efficiently, and more beautifully. I already feel that in the last 6 months of being here, I have learned more about how to be a better guitarist than I did in the past 6 years of schooling.

Which does not make me regret the decisions I made earlier in life, because I know that without being in those places, I would not be in this place. I also feel that with this degree, many aspects of my education are coming together in a way that weren't ready to be cohesive until now. In some way or another, it's all sort of coming together. A friend once told me that God doesn't waste anything. That is, the reason I majored in history, or played the cello, or ran for student government in high school will all come to fruition even if it doesn't look like it from the outside.

I also know that there is a reason I spend hours investing my time in playing the guitar better. I'm starting to feel immense satisfaction in even the smallest of improvements. There are many more to be made, but at the end of each day I have begun to feel that I am reaping some sort of fruit in a way that I have never felt before. At Juilliard, I mostly practiced out of fear of getting yelled at, or embarrassing myself in front of my peers. I was insecure and treaded carefully, trying to do the right thing, look altogether on the outside, and not rock the boat too much. I think I've needed to get that out of my system and although I still feel insecure at times, I don't work because I'm scared. I work because it is a choice I make every day out of pleasure, calling, and passion.

At the end of it, I don't believe that my destiny is to be a performer primarily. I've always liked to wear many hats. I have been dreaming lately about other things I'd love to do- like teaching guitar to adults in all walks of life, being a music history professor, mentoring students through the relationship between faith and music, organizing festivals, becoming a dean at a music school, working for the NEA. I feel great audacity in being able to even type these words because in the past I never verbalized what I really hoped for from life because of the fear of disappointment. It just occurred to be that I'm not afraid if I fail. I am satisfied even being able to just dream. God doesn't waste anything and I know He'll use me somewhere.

My husband (a hopeless dreamer) must be rubbing off on me.