About a year ago, Paul and I went through a particularly trying time. It was a mixture of misplaced and misconstrued priorities, the stress of being new parents, figuring out the career/family balance, and bitterness on both sides that had built up over time. There were moments where I felt like my stomach was always in knots, and that everything might just snap right in front of the beautiful baby girl that we were trying so hard to shield from the ugliness of our own humanity. The stakes felt higher because of her to make everything right; yet at times we were baffled on how to do so and even forgot what had gotten us to a place of such misunderstanding.
Yesterday, I found out that a dear friend of mine is getting divorced, and my heart broke for her as she tries to deal with all of the messy details along with her three children. I was shocked that I had had no idea that this lovely couple had been having any marital problems, and even more sobered to realize that even the marriages that look great on the outside can be fraught with conflict on the inside. And with children in the picture, the reality of this can feel heavy and daunting, at times just too much to bear.
It is unbelievable to me how much I love my daughter sometimes. I thought I loved her as much as I possibly could when she was a newborn, and as she develops as a little person I realize that this love keeps on growing as our relationship deepens and as she understands more of the world around her. My heart melts as she jabbers on about what we did that day or sings the ABC's to herself for the millionth time. I love her very concentrated facial expressions, her furrowed brow, the way she throws herself into my lap at random moments of the day, saying, "Mommy, hug." I love her so incredibly much that it hurts. Yet I am committed to loving my husband even more than this and I know that my love for him must be beyond my love for my own children. Without our partnership, everything breaks. Without our willingness to communicate even our deepest and darkest emotions, to struggle to do so when it feels impossible, to put each other before ourselves, to serve and actively decide to love one another each and every day - without this promise, our family would break. Last night, I thought about the order in which I want to live the various roles that I've been called to: daughter of God, wife, mother, guitarist. In that order.
With the help of some committed friends and a counselor at our church, we pushed through last year's trial and will continually fight for our marriage to get even better as we age. I've been thinking back to how things were a year ago and realize that we are in a very different place as we anticipate the birth of our second daughter - a peaceful, sweeter, more beautiful place that has not been easy to get to. But it surely has been worth it and will continue to be the foundation for the rest of our journey through parenthood and beyond. I'm so grateful for my dear husband today, for being a man so loving, committed, and passionate for me and our family. I'm even more grateful that God has healed us from a lot of hurt and brokenness, lifted us up, and blessed us beyond belief. I realized recently that I've tried to numb myself this year from feeling much of anything, scared of any other struggles that might come my way. But I'm ready now - ready to receive all that may come in this next season of life. Whether it be easy or not, I believe that it will be good, because He is good.
