Guilt

I have reached the last two weeks of maternity leave. It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park, but getting used to having two kids hasn't been as tough as I'd imagined either. Yes, there are times where everyone is crying, whining, barking and driving me crazy, but there are also sweet times of smiles, laughs, and peaceful sleep.

I'm thankful for a number of things from this time: getting my physical strength back, overcoming breastfeeding ailments and woes, learning to communicate better with my toddler, and establishing a regular daily rhythm in our household. 

As I think about going back to work (and I'm only working 3 days a week), I unfortunately feel an impending amount of guilt on my shoulders. I've been agonizing over some of the childcare options in my head and debating what is best for both kids. No matter what kind of combination of daycare or babysitting I come up with, sometimes I don't feel better about it. I feel guilty for not watching my own children, yet I am itching to get back to teaching and practicing and performing, and I know that staying home with them would actually drive me nuts and be what Paul says is "bad stewardship" of my gifts.

Do all women feel this struggle? Do men feel this at all? It seems to be not uncommon among working women, which I find sort of unfair. From all the extra stuff we had to do in the first place, like carrying our babies in our bodies, changing our diets, oh yes, and that little thing called labor - not to mention recovering, nursing, etc. you'd think we could at least get a mental/emotional break. But with the privilege of having our babies, there is a deep attachment that develops on both sides. I feel fiercely protective and attached to my children, and they often associate my presence with comfort and security. Yet I also crave time alone, time to work, and time to just relax without being needed and wanted every second. Striking the right balance of mothering and working is essential for me and will probably always evolve and change with where they are in their childhood. 

To battle my guilt, I am reminding myself that fruit in my creative/professional life is fruit that I can pass along to my own kids, and that the things that make me feel fulfilled in my career are what can also make me a better mother. It also makes my off days feel more like quality time, and not just caretaking. It's funny, because I went through this exact same struggle after E was born, and am feeling it even more so now that there are two kids to think about. 

Perhaps this is the ongoing struggle of every mother. But all the mixed feelings in the end don't matter as much as the overwhelming gratitude I feel for having two healthy, lovely girls.