About a year ago, Paul and I went through a particularly trying time. It was a mixture of misplaced and misconstrued priorities, the stress of being new parents, figuring out the career/family balance, and bitterness on both sides that had built up over time. There were moments where I felt like my stomach was always in knots, and that everything might just snap right in front of the beautiful baby girl that we were trying so hard to shield from the ugliness of our own humanity. The stakes felt higher because of her to make everything right; yet at times we were baffled on how to do so and even forgot what had gotten us to a place of such misunderstanding.
Yesterday, I found out that a dear friend of mine is getting divorced, and my heart broke for her as she tries to deal with all of the messy details along with her three children. I was shocked that I had had no idea that this lovely couple had been having any marital problems, and even more sobered to realize that even the marriages that look great on the outside can be fraught with conflict on the inside. And with children in the picture, the reality of this can feel heavy and daunting, at times just too much to bear.
It is unbelievable to me how much I love my daughter sometimes. I thought I loved her as much as I possibly could when she was a newborn, and as she develops as a little person I realize that this love keeps on growing as our relationship deepens and as she understands more of the world around her. My heart melts as she jabbers on about what we did that day or sings the ABC's to herself for the millionth time. I love her very concentrated facial expressions, her furrowed brow, the way she throws herself into my lap at random moments of the day, saying, "Mommy, hug." I love her so incredibly much that it hurts. Yet I am committed to loving my husband even more than this and I know that my love for him must be beyond my love for my own children. Without our partnership, everything breaks. Without our willingness to communicate even our deepest and darkest emotions, to struggle to do so when it feels impossible, to put each other before ourselves, to serve and actively decide to love one another each and every day - without this promise, our family would break. Last night, I thought about the order in which I want to live the various roles that I've been called to: daughter of God, wife, mother, guitarist. In that order.
With the help of some committed friends and a counselor at our church, we pushed through last year's trial and will continually fight for our marriage to get even better as we age. I've been thinking back to how things were a year ago and realize that we are in a very different place as we anticipate the birth of our second daughter - a peaceful, sweeter, more beautiful place that has not been easy to get to. But it surely has been worth it and will continue to be the foundation for the rest of our journey through parenthood and beyond. I'm so grateful for my dear husband today, for being a man so loving, committed, and passionate for me and our family. I'm even more grateful that God has healed us from a lot of hurt and brokenness, lifted us up, and blessed us beyond belief. I realized recently that I've tried to numb myself this year from feeling much of anything, scared of any other struggles that might come my way. But I'm ready now - ready to receive all that may come in this next season of life. Whether it be easy or not, I believe that it will be good, because He is good.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
On Having Two Girls.
I guess intuition is not very accurate. Because I thought this baby was surely a boy, and after finding out that another baby girl is coming, Paul's conclusion is that my intuition guessing baby gender is 50/50 because I was right the first time around. Go figure. I guess this will be more convenient (if there's anything convenient about raising kids two years apart) since they'll have to share a room with lavender walls and we have an arsenal of baby girl clothes in the closet. But the biggest reason I'm excited though is that having a sister (and siblings for that matter) is probably one of the best things in life.
I'm very close with my sister. I recently went up to Seattle to surprise her at her baby shower, and we spent a couple of days eating and lounging on the couch in fuzzy blankets. Probably the best thing two pregnant women could ask for. We took a bunch of pictures of us being silly with our pregnant bellies, bellies that will probably never look the same way at the same time again.
I stopped to think about how once upon a time, we were both babies in our mom's belly, and my parents may have had the same thoughts that I'm having lately. Two girls! I hope they'll be good friends. I hope they'll help each other learn and grow, that they'll play together for hours on end. That the older one will guide the younger one through life, teach her valuable lessons, and that the younger one will go along with all her scheming and bossy ideas and take it all in stride. I hope they'll make each other laugh and have inside jokes that nobody else knows about. I hope they'll do each other's hair, go shopping together, have lunch dates, and share clothes. I hope they'll always make up if they fight. I hope they'll be honest with each other and make fun of their parents in a loving way that only they'll understand. And I hope they'll be stronger because they grew up together.
Can't wait to meet you, baby girl #2!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Being Second
During my first pregnancy, baby's arrival and everything related to babyhood was about all I could think of. No matter what I was doing, my heart and mind always came back to thinking about baby, researching baby gear, and nesting our tiny apartment to make everything ready for her.
This time around, my attention is so much more divided that sometimes I almost forget that I'm pregnant. Between juggling two part-time jobs and chasing Elisa around, I barely ever have time for myself and when I do, I'm exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. They say that with second children, this is often the case. Second babies don't get the prenatal yoga classes, the Mozart being played, the birthing classes. Instead, second kids get the hand-me-downs, less attention, and all the used toys. I am a second child. I am also a middle child. So maybe I got both ends of the neglect? I don't really feel that way, but still - I sympathize with our second baby here and don't want him/her to get the short end of the stick.
So today, I put Elisa in daycare and got a prenatal massage. And I did not feel guilty about it. It helps immensely that E is in love with our daycare provider and gets so excited to go there now. This wasn't always the case, but ever since I stopped sending baby food along with her and she started eating what they provide (home-cooked Filipino food), she has absolutely loved being there. It also helps that she can name the lady that takes care of her there, and naming people is just so much fun.
During the massage, I was able to sort of check in with my body a little bit and just clear my mind. The therapist said that my hips were really tight and stretched me a few times. I even felt a few flutters (early baby movements) in my belly. There were fresh strawberries at the spa, it being Valentine's Day and all, and I sat and drank some mint tea for awhile and just sat there. A rare thing for me indeed. Ahhh.
This time around, my attention is so much more divided that sometimes I almost forget that I'm pregnant. Between juggling two part-time jobs and chasing Elisa around, I barely ever have time for myself and when I do, I'm exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. They say that with second children, this is often the case. Second babies don't get the prenatal yoga classes, the Mozart being played, the birthing classes. Instead, second kids get the hand-me-downs, less attention, and all the used toys. I am a second child. I am also a middle child. So maybe I got both ends of the neglect? I don't really feel that way, but still - I sympathize with our second baby here and don't want him/her to get the short end of the stick.
So today, I put Elisa in daycare and got a prenatal massage. And I did not feel guilty about it. It helps immensely that E is in love with our daycare provider and gets so excited to go there now. This wasn't always the case, but ever since I stopped sending baby food along with her and she started eating what they provide (home-cooked Filipino food), she has absolutely loved being there. It also helps that she can name the lady that takes care of her there, and naming people is just so much fun.
During the massage, I was able to sort of check in with my body a little bit and just clear my mind. The therapist said that my hips were really tight and stretched me a few times. I even felt a few flutters (early baby movements) in my belly. There were fresh strawberries at the spa, it being Valentine's Day and all, and I sat and drank some mint tea for awhile and just sat there. A rare thing for me indeed. Ahhh.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Prayers for my babies
At church on Sunday, I saw the most beautiful thing. The couple in front of me brought their 2 year old in with them for the musical part of the worship service. As the mom sang along with the music, she brought her hand up as a reflection of her worship to God. Her husband was holding their son, and as he saw his mom's hand come up, he did the same. Standing behind them, this sight was so poignant to me that I started crying right away. As I've struggled with feelings of being scared, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable during this pregnancy, I've been looking for places in which God would confirm for me the call to mothering yet another little one. This image of mother and son worshiping together in front of me seemed to say everything about what it really means to be a parent.
Kids are such amazing emulators. They learn everything by watching us and observing all our habits even when we are unaware of their gaze. And just as Elisa has learned to brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, and do anything else by imitating us, so she will learn from us what we worship, how we worship, and why we worship. A few weeks ago at church, I was praying and saw the most beautiful image of her worshiping God and it nearly broke my heart with desire. I realized that there is almost nothing I want more in life than for my kids to know Jesus and be saved. I felt an urgency to pray for the baby in my belly, not just that he would be healthy and safe, but that above all, that God would reach him, touch him, love him, and save him.
In those two moments, I understood motherhood in a different way - that my role is not only caretaker, nurturer, comforter, provider, but also teacher, mentor, sister, discipler. And though it will be awhile before either of our kids will go through tough questions about faith or even basic Bible stories with total comprehension, it is never too early to start practicing the latter types of roles in my everyday life, which is so hard because the most basic tasks of motherhood are so completely all-consuming. There will always be dirty dishes, laundry to fold, toys to clean up, and diapers to change, but I'm praying that God would give me energy to go beyond all that and be able to shepherd both of these little blessings in His ways.
Kids are such amazing emulators. They learn everything by watching us and observing all our habits even when we are unaware of their gaze. And just as Elisa has learned to brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, and do anything else by imitating us, so she will learn from us what we worship, how we worship, and why we worship. A few weeks ago at church, I was praying and saw the most beautiful image of her worshiping God and it nearly broke my heart with desire. I realized that there is almost nothing I want more in life than for my kids to know Jesus and be saved. I felt an urgency to pray for the baby in my belly, not just that he would be healthy and safe, but that above all, that God would reach him, touch him, love him, and save him.
In those two moments, I understood motherhood in a different way - that my role is not only caretaker, nurturer, comforter, provider, but also teacher, mentor, sister, discipler. And though it will be awhile before either of our kids will go through tough questions about faith or even basic Bible stories with total comprehension, it is never too early to start practicing the latter types of roles in my everyday life, which is so hard because the most basic tasks of motherhood are so completely all-consuming. There will always be dirty dishes, laundry to fold, toys to clean up, and diapers to change, but I'm praying that God would give me energy to go beyond all that and be able to shepherd both of these little blessings in His ways.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Taco
They say that having a child is like seeing your heart run around outside of your body. I couldn't agree more. Except that I didn't know that my heart was capable of such cuteness, so many stinky poops, such surprise, and such love.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
 |
| basking in today's 80 degree weather. goodbye, winter! |
Sunday, January 13, 2013
18 months
Today was one of the coldest days in LA that I can remember. When we got in the car this morning to go to breakfast, the snowflake warning light came on in the chilly 39 degree weather. This is pretty absurd to most Angelenos - this means I have to actually wear a coat or something, right? And I'm still cold! I don't think I even own a beanie or gloves or anymore, but I could have sure used them today.
This little bundle was ready to combat the cold. Elisa is happily sporting her new mary janes that she picked out herself and refuses to take off. What can I say? The girl's got taste.
She also fashioned this hair accessory for herself from one of my old scarves as she foraged fruit from the trees in the backyard. We've got some amazing amounts of oranges and lemons right now. She loves putting the fruit in her wagon and pushing them all around the patio.
Her playtime is getting more and more imaginative. It's amazing to see her mimicing us and using her new words all the time. Here she is at her play kitchen (she was refusing pants that morning).
Here she was in the middle of some funny dress up, but when she saw me pull my phone out to take a picture she got upset. This picture cracks me up - it's like a fiesta gone wrong.
And lastly, here is a daddy/daughter moment at lunch celebrating her 18 month birthday. This lemon ricotta cake from Forage made her put both hands up in the air with a big grin.
What a thrill! A year and a half feels like a big landmark for us. This is such a fun age - she is not having nearly as many tantrums as she did a few months ago, probably because her ability to communicate is improving all the time. The words and semblances of words are pretty amazing to hear, and she is sweet and funny as ever. She is still a mommyholic, but I'll savor it for now. Feeling grateful as ever today.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Entering 2013!
Call me Scrooge, but I'm kind of glad the holidays are over. We didn't have the greatest Christmas this year. Somehow, Elisa managed to catch a miserable cold and then a three-day fever, which was followed by a bumpy red rash all over her torso. A trip to urgent care and the great wisdom of the internet said it was roseola, a viral infection that only affects babies between 6 months and 2 years of age. Our poor little girl was miserable for almost a week while we were at the grandparents' house in the Bay Area and she was not her usual happy little self. She cried and cried from her discomfort, was tired most of the time, and couldn't sleep well since her nose was all stuffed up and she would wake up coughing. Needless to say, we got very little uninterrupted sleep with her waking up every 3 hours or so. We were sharing a room with her too, so that didn't help. I managed to catch her cold on Christmas Eve and was still completely out of it on Christmas, sleeping most of the day while the rest of the family watched her. Paul was holding us all together until he caught the cold a few days later, just as we left to drive back to LA. But the trooper that he was, he still insisted on driving the entire 5 hours and we got home in record time!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
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