Community

Something I am challenging myself to do more is to see people as just people. I have a tendency to categorize everyone that I know and only let some into my inner circle. In my mind, there are a few different spheres of people and they all live in their little bubbles: church people, guitar people, people-with-kids friends, old friends, and family.

But what if I were to stop seeing all of these people as categorized into different worlds, and allowed my relationships to go deeper in every circle? So I could talk about my spiritual life with guitarists; my artistic struggles with church folks, my parenting woes with old friends. I allow what we have in common to continue dictating each relationship rather than letting differences challenge and enhance each relationship. It's a simple concept, but hard for my relational self to wrap my mind around sometimes.

Mirena

I believe we are done having children. I have felt this way since after having my second, being happy with two kids, and feeling like I want to give them my full attention and love. I also do not want to spend ten years of my life raising small children. I want to savor them at each phase, and I'm looking forward to them growing into school age, and nurturing them as they enter the phase of childhood that I can actually remember myself. I love my girls so much and feel that our family is complete.

That's the nice way of saying it. Really, in the back of my head, there's a voice that screams, "No WAY am I going through all that again!" This feels very selfish. But... I'm just being honest.

Since our second kid was not a planned pregnancy, we have realized that we need to be pretty careful with birth control. So last summer, after feeling frustrated from repeatedly forgetting to take my pill and not having it line up with my cycle, and being constantly paranoid that I would get pregnant again, I decided to get an IUD. Did some research and decided on the Mirena. My doctor recommended it highly and said that she had many patients who love it. My insurance covered it, and the draw of having lighter periods was a good one too. 

I felt pretty normal (and continue to feel normal most of the time), except that in retrospect, I very rapidly started to gain weight. I have gained about ten pounds since having it inserted, and on my 5'3 frame, this is pretty noticeable to me. Maybe other people don't really see it, but I realize now that this has been a very frustrating year for me in terms of my body image. I have gone up a pants size. Gone up a bra size. Had my rings resized. Gotten bigger t-shirts. The weight is concentrated in strange places (swollen fingers, belly, rib cage and bust), almost like I feel 3 months pregnant all the time, and despite my best efforts to exercise 2-3xs a week (more than I ever have), it is not coming off. I've been watching my carb intake as well. All the things that I've done in the past to remedy weight gain have not helped. 

At my last doctor's appointment, I asked her specifically about weight gain with the Mirena and she told me that since the hormones are more localized, you don't gain weight from it. So I just told myself it must be my metabolism slowing down in my mid-30's, or overeating that is doing it. But when I think back, I don't think my lifestyle has changed at all. If anything, I am more active than ever and I still feel pretty crappy about my body. I remember last summer that I gained weight so rapidly that after having it inserted in July, when going to a friend's pool party in August, I didn't fit my swimsuit and felt incredibly self-conscious that day. I also don't fit any of my performance dresses, and it has made being on stage become a huge fixation for me. I recently tried on a dress that I wore at the GFA Convention in June, and it didn't fit. Just one month before getting the Mirena, I had a very different body. 

I started googling around today and found a Baby Center thread with numerous women writing about this exact experience, despite their doctor telling them that an IUD would not lead to weight gain. They shared so many of the same details - that despite all their efforts to drop the pounds, they couldn't; that their doctor assured them the IUD would not make them gain weight; and that after having it removed many women reported losing 10 pounds in two weeks. I feel pretty disappointed that my doctor, who I trusted so much since she delivered both my babies, would tell me something so misleading, but she is perhaps just going off what the pharma company has told her - and the Mirena website says specifically that their product does not cause weight gain. I've felt like I'm crazy for making a correlation between the Mirena and my weight gain, and frustrated from having to tell myself that it was just my age or lifestyle that was making me feel bloated and swollen. But I think sometimes you have to trust your intuition. And no one knows my body better than I do myself! I'm sure there are many women who do not gain weight from the Mirena, but I am coming to terms with accepting the fact that I am not one of them - and it is affecting me in a more severe way than I would have thought.

I feel frustrated that I brought this upon myself, like it's some kind of strange punishment for not wanting to have more children. Perhaps the want of control over my reproductive system is something that I need to let go of, just a bit. I also have felt that this has been tied up very closely in my desire to have a career - and as a musician, having children was something that definitely affected my practicing (severe back pain trying to play a concert while 7 months pregnant!), traveling (pumping in airport bathrooms is just disgusting), and all else that comes with it. I constantly feel this tension between career and family, as many moms do, but that's a post for another day. 

Until then, I've decided that it's time to trust my instincts, not my doctor or the pharma company. I am leaning towards having her remove it in a few weeks at my annual appointment, even if it is an effective form of birth control. It's so cliche to be caught up with weight loss and I really have bemoaned ever complaining about it. But this whole thing has been very damaging to my self-confidence and been a downer on my general mood. It's time to be truthful with myself and realize what drove me here - the need to control and plan everything in my life, and the general shock of having an unplanned pregnancy, even if she is the greatest thing ever. 

So please, no judgement here - this post is a bit raw, and frustrated, because I feel pretty spoiled and ungrateful complaining about this. I haven't talked about this openly with anyone besides my husband, so I figured posting it on this secret place called the internet would be a good next step. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from all this. Let me know if you have any wisdom for me. 

Stealth Concert

I played a 30 minute concert for a noon recital series in Pasadena. I've played there twice before, and I usually don't really tell anyone about it. It's more just for me to have a goal to practice towards. Seemed like a good idea at the time I booked it during the summer. But not taking my guitar on our recent trip to NJ made it pretty hard to be in good shape for this one! I found myself dreading it in the past few days, kicking myself for being such a goal-oriented hard worker (although if I were really one, I would have forced myself to bring my guitar to NJ with us. But it just seemed like too much trouble with the kids and all, much less the freezing temperatures! Not worth a potential crack.)

Well, a little cramming went a long way and although it took a lot to psych myself up for this emotionally, I have to say that I did my best and it went pretty well. Despite very short thumb and middle finger nails, which didn't bother me during practice, but did bother me during performance. I was regretting that I hadn't put a fake nail on beforehand, not liking the sound I was producing. I also wasn't crazy about the acoustics of the church - it was boomy and bright and not that forgiving. But I got lots of nice comments from the very ancient audience that attended (who else can attend a noon concert on a weekday besides retired folks?) and gave away a CD to a woman who said she didn't have a lot of money. So I guess I made my mark on the world today.

After the concert, Paul and I had planned to meet up for a lunch date at Din Tai Fung, which made me very happy. I then took the afternoon off to do some shopping and run errands, and when I got home it was already time to make dinner. So there was my day. Not a bad one!

Apologies

We recently discussed in our community group about the importance of apologizing to your children. Coming from an Asian household with the Confucian values of respecting your elders and whatnot, this has been a very new concept to me as a parent. But entering toddlerhood the first time around, I definitely felt convicted that this was a practice that I wanted to implement as an imperfect human being attempting to do a halfway decent job at this crazy thing called parenting.

I definitely failed today when E had a meltdown on the car about which park we were going to. She'd been whining all morning about wanting to play in sand. But I had already chosen a park (which had no sand) that was closest to our lunch plans, and had explained that to her repeatedly. So when she started whining again, I got really annoyed and yelled at her for complaining so much. (All of this fuss and the park turned out to not be a good decision anyway because it was 80 degrees today and way too hot to really do anything at the unshaded park!)

Later, putting away my pride, I said, "I'm sorry I got made at you in the car today."
She said, "You were mad today? When?"

Guess my yelling really made an impact on her.

Regardless of our kids' reaction to these types of failed moments in parenting, I want our kids to know that we are equally sinful and as human as they are. And relationships, even between parents and children, are still just that - relationships, which demand forgiveness, humility, grace, and healing. I'm glad she was gracious to me today.

Action

We are going to see Dudamel on Thursday.

Dudamel

How about one thing that inspired me today?

Dudamel inspires me. This performance is so alive - woodwind solos with so much heart, lush strings playing in near-perfect unison, an internal pulse from the conductor that battles the desire to rush, and a true Venezuelan-style party at the end. Take a listen. And not just because it was on Mozart in the Jungle. Need to get myself to the Phil this season.

Guitar

Today was a guitar day. My work today involved reading about guitar, practicing guitar, teaching guitar, rehearsing guitar, and listening to a 20 student guitar recital.

On my drive home, the Aranjuez concerto came on the radio and I did not turn it off. Because I can never get enough. I just love guitar.