Why I Hate Princesses

Tonight, E asked me a strange question.

"When I was still in heaven and God was making me, did I get to choose what color hair I have?"

I frowned. "No, I think God chose for you. Why?"

"Because I wish I could choose yellow hair."

What?!

This awakened both the dormant Asian American rights activist and the (less dormant) feminist inside of me. How is it that my four-year old daughter already wishes she was a blonde? What in the world have I been doing wrong?

And then I look around us. Tonight, while C was having a crazy tantrum because I took a peach skin out of her mouth that she was chewing like tobacco, E was quietly coloring in the other room. She's learning to color in the lines now. She's learning to choose what colors go with certain things. I praised her for being so patient while I was tending to C's tantrum. I've been single mommying this week while hubby is in Baltimore, so the evenings are kinda hit or miss. Usually one child is good while the other is horrific. Like tonight when I was doing C's bath and she was screaming, not wanting to let go of her stuffed sheep, and E started playing Twinkle on the piano by herself (?!).

Anyway, I digress. What was my dear eldest daughter coloring? A bunch of princesses. What color hair did they all have? Yellow. Yes, Disney has attempted to diversify a little bit. But Tiana and Jasmine are not on the first page of this coloring book, they're on some page in the back. Not to mention that Jasmine's biggest plight in life is that oh, boo hoo, she and her mid-drift baring outfit can't decide who to marry. Woe is me. Yes, I was reminded of this when reading a Disney princess book that she'd found at the school lending library. The lack of empowerment in these princesses' lives, especially the old-school ones, is just incredible.

I have never bought anything with a Disney princess on it, but they have snuck into our household. A friend gave her this princess coloring book for her birthday. Another friend at school gave her these popular little figurines called click dolls that they have of all the princesses. For Christmas, various relatives gifted us with all kinds of Frozen paraphernalia. Some friends from church are having a birthday party this weekend, and guess what it is themed? Princesses. There will be live princesses at this party (real people dressed up as princesses that sing all the songs. Heard of it? Good way to make a buck on the weekends.)

Before I know it, she knows all the names of all the princesses, the stories, the struggles (having long hair is really tough for Rapunzel, and Snow White has met a bunch of strange little men that she cooks and cleans for) and now we are fully steeped in princess culture. What does she want to be for Halloween next year? Elsa. How original! The Frozen princesses are the least offensive of all - but I am just plain sick of them. They are absolutely everywhere and it is a bit nauseating.

I went online to see what was going on with Mulan. She's clearly not on the first tier of princesses that are being paraded around by Disney. It's a good story, but once I was reminded of the art style in the Mulan movie, I was disappointed once again. All the characters have slanty eyes that remind me of early caricatures of Chinese workers with the big straw hats on. There's a pet dragon involved.

I watched a lot of Sleeping Beauty growing up, but it never made me wish that I was a brown-haired flower maiden who sang to the birds. There's something different about the culture that my girls are growing up in now. There's an intensity about it that didn't exist in the early 80's - an intensity that makes me fear for my daughters when they are teenagers, worrying about their weight, hair, clothes, and other superficialities. I am incredibly conscious about the types of dolls that my girls have. The first doll ever gifted to us (by my dear cousin) was a Corelle Asian doll that is probably the only one on the market that I actually really like. It doesn't have squinty eyes and it smells like vanilla and it's not wearing anything "ethnic." Even in my daughter's preschool room where the dolls are supposed to be multi-ethnic according to state standards, the Asian one is wearing a qipao and has slanted eyes. The Latino one is wearing a sombrero. I think our culture should be beyond this kind of "It's a Small World" multi-ethnicity. Haven't we progressed into understanding other cultures as more than just sterotypes? Can't we see people of color as real people that wear t-shirts and jeans rather than costumes?

Last Christmas, I wanted to give my girls some special dolls, so I had them made from a local artist to sort of look like them. I know that sounds a little crazy, but I honestly just was appalled by the limited choices on the market and thought it would be better to spend a little money supporting a local artist. I just don't like the thought of buying a doll that does not remotely look like us at all. I'm glad to say that they were a big hit, but they were not fun after awhile because the other kids at school didn't know who they were. It was just a doll, and not a familiar princess plastered on every candy bar, cereal, or juice box sold in the local supermarket.

I am sure there are tons and tons of girls out there who have been infatuated by princesses from a young age who turned out to be capable, bright, successful women. But I for one fear for my insecure, self-conscious, shy little girl. When I look at her, I see such beauty and promise and to think that she wishes that she looked different or is different just breaks my heart. I am committed to continually telling her that she is beautiful just the way she is and want her grow up to (and I summarize a quote I saw on FB the other day) shatter glass ceilings rather than just desire glass slippers. And I am glad that my little one still loves her stuffed sheep and teddy bear more than anything right now.

Birthday Letter

Dear Elisa,
You turned four this past week. We celebrated your actual birthday with a lovely, low-key day - breakfast with Uncle Joonmo and Auntie Minnie at Millie's (per your request), a walk through the Silverlake Farmer's Market where we used to spend many a Saturday morning, and a playdate with your best friend from preschool. You lit up when you were with her. You're growing up so quickly - you have friendships that mean the world to you now, and such real, living emotions that can be so intense sometimes.

We had a birthday party for you today, a joint party with your sister. We had a tough moment in there - you were fixated on getting to a certain gift that your friend told you about. I was upset that you couldn't play with your guests like a proper host. You wouldn't bend to my control. To the best of my ability, I couldn't talk you out of your emotions, and I was frustrated. I was a bit harsh on you. When I later thought about it, it felt unfair because the gift was something particular from your friend at school and it meant something more to you than the item itself. Having it meant belonging, fitting in, and having commonality with them. I just couldn't understand that at the time and ordered you to put on your happy face and get on with the party.

I later apologized to you, because I think that's what parents should do when we lose patience, or act in a certain way that the situation didn't deserve. We are only human after all, and we're in this whole thing together. I said, "I'm sorry I got upset earlier." You said, "When did you get upset?" I smiled to myself, feeling thankful for how quickly you forgot my anger. I said, "When you were upset at the party. Remember?" You nodded. "Are you sorry that you were upset?" I asked. You nodded again, and we hugged.

I hope our reconciliation will always be this simple. I hope that as you go through this age of another strong season of emotional development, that I will never attempt to stifle your emotions or force you to be happy when that's not what you are feeling. I hope that you will help me to understand that your world is intense at times, so raw that you cannot see things any other way. I am the same way. For all your stubbornness, I love you so dearly. You are my strong-willed, determined little girl. I respect you for it, and I hope that I will raise you in a way that empathizes with your emotions, and embraces them no matter how inconvenient they are. I also hope that you will grow up knowing that you are your own person, and be confident in who God made you to be. I hope that in this materialistic culture of ours that you will not always feel like we only belong if we have what others have. Let's remember that we have to strip all those things away from our hearts to really know who we are and who God made us to be. I hope you will continue to discover that this year.

My favorite moments are watching you play well with your sister. Today I overheard the two of you having a conversation in the tepee, while Daddy was vacuuming. You guys were hiding in there with a bunch of blankets and pillows. You were saying, "This is our car. I'll drive, ok?" and Cara obediently said, "Ok." It was so adorable. Cara fits the role of younger sister well, looking up to you and copying your every move. I hope you will understand the importance of your role in her life. You two are quite the pair and you exhaust me while also filling me with such a deep joy knowing you have each other. I love you so much. Happy birthday, my dear chocolate cake.

Love,
Mommy

Phuket 2015

Around January, we found out that one of our friends from college was getting married in Phuket, Thailand. Paul was asked to be a groomsman, which he delightfully accepted. I agonized for months whether I would go too, knowing that it would be too long a trek to take the kids with us, but feeling anxious about leaving them.

Finally when he said something like, "I think this would be good for our marriage," I faithfully accepted. What a sacrifice, going on a six-day trip to one of Asia's most beautiful beach cities! But if it was good for our family, then I would suck it up and oblige. Mom and Dad graciously agreed to watch the girls for the week.

Before leaving I was a neurotic mess buying extra diapers, wipes, lotions, medications, and snacks for the kids as if the world was going to end and typing up a three page memo for my parents on taking care of the girls. But everything went off without a hitch, my mom sending me photos three times a day to prove that they were indeed happy, healthy, and excited to receive presents from Ama every morning.

Here we are in the beautiful international terminal of LAX, which is way better than any other terminal. There was even a La Mill coffee shop, straight out of Silver Lake!

First day - battling jet lag by lounging by the infinity pool right outside our Ocean Loft room. 

Exploring the white sands of the beach. 

And then going back to our room to enjoy the AC. It was stinking hot. Humid like I had never felt it before. After awhile, we realized that going outside was not really worth it unless we were in the water. So suffice it to say, we spent a lot of time in our beautiful room!

The next morning after some broken but sufficient sleep, we ambled down to the hotel restaurant to check out the complimentary breakfast. It was incredible each day, starting with a three-tiered cheese and fruit platter, two entrees with choices of Asian or Western dishes, and unlimited coffee and fresh-squeezed juices. The guava juice was our favorite, but even the apple juice was amazing.

We decided to enjoy the award-winning spa on the premises. I got a facial and a massage, and Paul got a 90-minute massage. Both were amazing, except that I got bit by mosquitos during my massage! I know, tough life.

Then we walked around the beautiful grounds of the resort.

By the afternoon, we were itching to see what was on the outside. It was my first time in Thailand, and I was determined to find a night market with amazing food.

And so we did, hiring a taxi for the afternoon and stopping first at the Big Buddha.

He was indeed a very big Buddha. 

There were also sweeping views of Phuket Bay.

 We asked our taxi driver to take us to the best night market that he knew of. It was fantastic, but also very far from the resort. It turned out that everything seemed to be quite far from the resort, so we figured this would be our only jaunt out during our short trip.

Our exploration at the night market consisted of several skewers of meat, an awesome grilled rice ball, a spicy tom yum soup that had me nearly crying from its heat and deliciousness, some grilled corn, a deep-fried fish, pad thai, and a couple beers that cost less than $1. Total meal cost? About $12 for the two of us.

Back at the hotel, Paul even managed to get a work conference call in (London time) while I fell fast asleep.

The next day, more incredible breakfast platters abounded.

And we laughed as Paul tried on the Thai pajamas we found in our room!

I don't think we did much that day, besides hang out at the pool and chat with some of the wedding guests that were slowly arriving. That evening was Celeste and Oscar's Welcome Dinner, which we noticed the hotel staff setting up on the beach the day before. 

It was nothing short of remarkable, and featured the best Thai food I have EVER had in my life! And actually, I'm proud to say that some of the Thai food we get here in LA was pretty competitive. There were platters and platters of larb salad, papaya salad, stir-fried vegetable and seafood dishes, tom yum soup, several curries, etc. My stomach could not keep up.

Eating on the beach among friends, we witnessed one of the most incredible sunsets I have ever seen. 

After the dinner, a lady appeared on the beach and treated us to a show in which she juggled, hula-hooped, and danced with rings and sticks of fire, all with a techno beat in the background. It was pretty crazy.

The next day was Saturday, the day of the wedding! It started off with the same remarkable breakfast platter.

Then some swimming in our infinity pool.

And then we ate again. This time, we started with cocktails and a real Thai iced tea, which was not as good as the blue cocktails.

The hotel restaurant was doing a four-course tasting menu. We said yes to everything, and could not believe how much food it was. It was incredibly inventive, delicate, and balanced, mostly a fusion of Western dishes with a Thai twist. My favorite were the watermelon gazpacho and the tom yum flavored pork rinds.

And then off to the wedding! All the groomsmen were in gray vests with pink ties. Luckily, no jackets since it was so hot. I was dripping sweat even in my sleeveless dress and my makeup melted rapidly off my face.

I could not believe this wedding venue - I thought our hotel was amazing, but this place had a grassy knoll overlooking the water. And maybe this is Asia being more technologically advanced than we are, but their photographer had a drone taking pictures from over the water! 

I've never taken so many photos at someone else's wedding. And yet, I didn't have my camera with me when the fireworks show was going off after dark, or when we all lit lanterns on the beach and watched them float away into the night sky. It was absolutely magical.

The next day was a rude awakening. Our last day. I had to get a coconut to help with the mild hangover.

We had a leisurely lunch, soaking in our last morning at the resort.

And then we checked out and off to the airport we went. We flew through Hong Kong, with many other guests from the wedding on our flight who were heading home. This time, we made a point to get some food in the airport before checking email on the free wi-fi. Nothing like some ramen and frozen beer to help you pass out before a 14 hour flight!

And then, after a big nap and three movies, we made it home. I had a rough night's sleep, my body confused and mind revved up, but was greeted in the morning by two little girls who were ecstatic to see us. (They don't look it here, but they were. Here they are focused on their favorite pastime, eating.)

Home sweet home.

Easter 2015

I have to say that this was certainly a memorable Easter. It will be known as "The Easter That We Made a Ham" or maybe "The Easter That Cara Puked Everywhere" - either one, I'm not sure which is more catchy.

We started bright and early at 8am getting out the door to go to our favorite breakfast spot in Silverlake for old time's sake. Millie's! I was frustrated because C wouldn't eat her antihistamine laced applesauce. She wasn't eating anything. Very strange. She had about two bites of applesauce and a little cereal and then kept fussing.

We got to Millie's and she rejected the pancakes set before her, instead only sitting down to gobble down a bunch of goldfish crackers that I had in my bag.

E, on the other hand, gobbled down scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, and a biscuit like she hadn't eaten in ages.

We decided to head down to the area where service was being held a little early and walk around the USC campus to show them "Mommy's old school" since we had more than an hour to kill. A few minutes later, I heard C suddenly start crying and turned around to see her mouth and car seat covered in....vomit. Oh, so that's why she wasn't eating very much. E had also been complaining that her stomach hurt, but she's not much of a barfer. We had just installed her new car seat (a brand new red Diono Radian) the night before too! 

We made a stop at a gas station to clean her and the seat up, which took a really long time. I walked around with C while E sat in the car listening to music, watching her Daddy scrub the car seat down with wet wipes with a disgusted look on his face. Finally, we were ready to roll, but right when we got everyone back in the car, E started complaining that her stomach hurt and that she needed to use the potty. Oh God - really?!

So we made another stop since the gas station bathroom was unavailable and probably disgusting. Ended up pulling into the neighborhood Von's and replenishing on snacks too. It turned out to be a false alarm. I wasn't sure if we should still go, but C was acting much happier. So we went along on our merry way, and actually still made it to service early! They had coloring pages for the kids, although that didn't last long.

I honestly didn't catch very much of service having both kids in there since they didn't have the usual childcare options. When we got home, we were quite spent, and everyone had some quiet time. I took a nap with the covers over my head, trying to detox from the barf situation, and did lots of laundry. I mean, I'm a barfer too, but this whole thing was pretty gross - I won't get into great detail, but let's just say that it will be a long time before I can eat cheddar goldfish crackers again. 

Then, I took E with me to TJ's to do some grocery shopping. They were sampling a ham. It was pretty tasty, so I bought it. E loves ham. In fact, the only meat she eats is ham and bacon. And kalbi. It was already cooked and came with a glaze, so I can't say that I actually did much work in making it. But I was just curious - I've never really had an Easter ham. This is what white Americans eat for Easter dinner, right? I had a total Fresh Off the Boat moment. Paired it with some mashed potatoes and kale sprouts, and voila. Simple Easter dinner that can now be an adopted tradition. 

Food coma ensued. All in all, a memorable day. And C is perfectly fine now, bouncing around with a big smile on her face after a 3 hour nap this afternoon. Happy Easter.

Day 40: Easter Eve

He is risen.

He is risen, indeed.

Thank you for reading this journey with me. I promise it won't be too long before the next post.

Day 39: Good Friday

I heard Bach's St. Matthew's Passion on KUSC on the way home from work today. What an appropriate piece to play on Good Friday. The first section is ominous and dark, haunting voices singing all in E minor, and after five minutes of music, it ends on a surprising E major chord. It shocked me, as I don't regularly listen to this monumental piece. In that moment, I felt just a glimpse of what's to come. You can't understand light unless you've experienced darkness. I think that's what Good Friday means- experiencing darkness even for a semblance of the amount of time that Jesus did on the cross. That E major chord reminded me that in this dark moment, there is hope, that Jesus overcame death and was ultimately triumphant. But it took three days, and this is only the first.

Day 38: Tea Party

C's belly was all red again today. Her teacher at school told me that there are cats around the school yard that may hang out there at night. I wonder if that has something to do with this flare-up. So I guess we are not out of the woods yet, but she is still generally so much better than last week.

Tonight Paul was at a meeting all day so I was working at home in an empty house. Pretty quiet and strange. It is his concert season now - he'll be two trips to the east coast in the next two weeks. Gah. I am rescheduling students left and right and my head is spinning.

The girls played tea party tonight - it was pretty cute.