Letters to Daughters

I'm a little behind on self-reflection. It's been one of the busiest summers that I can remember! We moved into a new house and celebrated our girls turning 3 and 1. They are absolute joy and absolute craziness all at the same time.

If I had had the wherewithal to write those nice birthday letters that some parents do (my plan to write one every year and give them all to my daughters on their 16th birthday is a little bit behind), they would have gone something like this.

July 11, 2014
My dearest Esa Elisa Madeleine Elisa Cake Chocolate Cake Bagel Chun,
That is the name you have given yourself at the age of 3. So full of ideas, zeal, spunk and wit and your own nutty class of humor. You are a delight. You are also a handful. You announced right after you turned 3 that you wanted to say "bye-bye to diapers" and that was that. Despite all my best efforts and bribery, it never worked until you chose to do it. We have never looked back, and your resolve and decisiveness will be incredibly useful qualities to you later in life. Right now, they make me and your dad struggle over how strong-willed and stubborn you can be, with your own ideas, fears, and thoughts like your only reality. My dear girl, I know you will grow out of the ones that are not from God. I know you will overcome fear, realize your beauty both inside and out, and I pray that you will become confident knowing that you are loved beyond all measure, just as you are. I love you for your feisty spirit, your complicated, analytical mind, your opinions, your silliness, your desire to show who you are to the world right now by trying to do everything without my help. You have grown into the greatest big sister I could have ever wished for for our dear Cara Belle, and my heart is overcome with joy knowing that the two of you will have each other long after childhood.

And as I looked at you today on your third birthday, I realized that you are no longer a baby. This is the age where you have become a kid, holding hands with your friends at the Merry Go Round instead of me, and giggling with delight every time we went up and down and you took a peek at your friends' faces doing the same. That is one of the best memories of my life - seeing your pure, unbridled joy at this wondrous but simple pleasure. You bring me so much joy. And even on the hard days, when you've complained that you didn't have three different types of cereal for breakfast with oatmeal, pancakes, and yogurt on the side, I will remember how much I love you right now. My dear Esa, my prayer for you has always been that you grow into a mighty warrior for God's kingdom, full of boldness, passion, and an evangelical spirit. May your excitement have no limits.

Love,
Mommy


August 7, 2014
To my Car-Car,
My sweet girl, what an amazing little blessing you are to us, and despite the challenge and sleeplessness that this year has brought, I have tried so hard to revel in each stage of your infancy. Now I am sad that you are moving up in the world, climbing and crawling your way to toddlerhood, trying to get there without my help. Why are you so big already? Sometimes I look at you and I can no barely remember how it felt to first hold you in my arms as a tiny newborn, except that I know that your labor was quick and as easy as they come, and holding you right after you were born was definitely one of the best and most emotional moments of my life.

And as you grew, we noticed that your hair got curlier and cheeks got more kissable and lovable each day, and you became this little dumpling of a human being that I've had the privilege of loving and caring for since you came into this world. Your mannerisms already remind me so much of your daddy - the way you sleep so easily, the way you are cuddly and affectionate, the way you are generally so easygoing and agreeable until you get upset and then BOY are you really upset. You have his general skill for throwing things (right now, food from the high chair goes a long way) and you chose the baseball to his delight at your dol. But what I also sense, and have sensed from day 1, is that you are going to be a dear friend, just like your name. I already see the way you love your sister - that she, in her silliness, is the only one who can make you laugh with that high-pitched squealy laugh that you do. And that you are going to be a mighty counselor to those around you, and that your care for them will be sincere, sweet, and so important. I am already proud of you for being a loving human being. At the ripe age of 1, you have already won your way deep into my heart. I look forward to going into your room to get you every time you wake up. Most of the time these days, you're standing and grabbing onto the bars of the crib and bouncing like they are the walls of a discoteque, your little curls flapping up and down. You are a gem, and I hope you'll always know how amazing we think you are. In your unknowing way, you've made us a family - you've completed us into feeling like we are one unit that is strengthened in being together and living together and loving each other, no matter how tough it can be every day. I love you so much, Miss Curly, and I can't wait to see what this next year brings for you.

Love,
Mommy

Another plague.

And just when our household couldn't take anything else, another virus comes our way. This time? Hand, foot, mouth disease. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? I picture limbs falling off and other kinds of horrific imagery. E kept complaining about her tongue hurting last week, and wouldn't eat very much. Then I noticed a mild fever and the tongue complaint got worse. When I asked her to stick out her tongue, I noticed 2 or 3 white sores and immediately thought it might be HFM. The funny thing is that the next day she seemed completely better, and was eating and back to her normal happy self. A mild fever seemed to come and go, but really the victim in all of this has been....ME.

With about a dozen sores in my mouth, I spent about three days not being able to talk or eat much at all. I had hubby fetching me green smoothies to get some sort of nutrition in my system, but did not feel guilty at all on the day that I basically had a milkshake for dinner. I guess when adults get this bug, it is way worse than the way kids get it, maybe like the chicken pox in that way. I stepped on the scale the other day to discover that I had lost 8 pounds even despite the milkshake dinner. The pain was really severe - I would often tear up while attempting to brush my teeth, and felt pretty despondent after several meals that I could not really eat at all. It was the first illness that I've even remotely compared to the worst pain in my life (childbirth, of course!)

Now we are all better, and headed on our only vacation for the year - a trip to Seattle to see our dear nephew Baby N, who will no longer be a baby after this birthday! Wow, what a milestone!

War.

We are just about through one of the most trying weeks ever. Last week, E kept waking up with more and more bugbites all over her body. At first, I thought - maybe spiders? Mosquitos from playing outside at school? But it didn't make sense - they just kept appearing. By Friday of last week, she had about 20 bites all over her torso and was scratching until several of them were bleeding. My heart was breaking as she kept waking up in the middle of the night, screaming, "Itchy! Mommy! ITCHY! ITCHYYYYYY!!!!!"

Last Friday, I sent them to daycare so I could get to the bottom of this and do a little housekeeping. I decided to change her sheets and vacuum the whole house. And as I lifted up her mattress to do some vacuuming under the bed, that's when I saw the little bug crawling around on her bedframe. A bedbug.

My skin started crawling. I yelped and tried to vacuum it up. It got away. I shook the frame around and there it was again, and this time I sucked it into the vacuum cleaner with a vengeance. This meant war.

While I put all the sheets in a hot wash, I dragged her little toddler Ikea mattress out to trash and tidyed up the rest of the house, then battled Friday afternoon traffic to get to Ikea in Burbank to get a new mattress. Luckily, our landlord was sympathetic and super-responsive, and sent an exterminator out the next morning to do an inspection. They indeed found some signs of bedbugs in our living room and in the girls' room. As we eagerly waited for them to come back and spray our house with nasty pesticides on Monday morning, E woke up the next day with more and more bites. On Sunday morning, we decided to go to the beach to escape the hot weather and lift everybody's spirit. She came back with more bites. They were in our car too.

I know it's in vogue to be all organic and anti-pesticide, but when bugs are biting your toddler and you have absolutely no control over it, I honestly didn't care what they sprayed on our house and in our car. They could have sprayed Agent Orange all over the place and I probably would have been ok with that. I felt so helpless, watching my poor girl scratch and scratch, miserable and whiny all day long.

The exterminators came on Monday, and today is Friday. E has not gotten any new bites since. The strange thing is that she is the only one who was victimized by these terrible pests - C, who shares a room with her, and whose crib is right next to her bed, was untouched by this whole thing. It still doesn't make any sense to me, except that maybe her eczema was some kind of deterrent to them, and the fact that our crib mattress is a waterproof one that has a sort of vinyl outer cover on it. I have no idea, but hopefully this will be the end of this whole thing.

In the meantime, I have done about 20 loads of laundry this week, washing everything that could be washed in the living room and girls' room in hot water and drying on high heat.  I have washed jackets that we haven't worn in months, stuffed animals, diaper bags, car seat covers, baby carriers, blankets, burp cloths, and everything else possible. And what did I find in one load of laundry as I dumped it onto our bed to be folded?

A dead bedbug. I felt a sinister triumph over it. If this is woman vs. nature, well, this woman is determined to win.

Day 40.

It's Day 40 today. I think that I have undoubtedly felt more reflective during this time, even though I didn't always have the energy to write very much at a time. And it is nice to know that there are some things that I can actually do for 40 days. At the end of this 40 days, I feel like we are still in a tough season of childrearing, but also a joyous one. And for me personally, my body may be exhausted most of the time, but my spirit is satisfied and blessed beyond all measure.

Today was a little bit of a rough day as I wasn't able to sleep very well last night. My own fault, not so much the kids. I am not good with uncertainty, and the house hunt is not for the faint of heart. There is a downward spiral in starting to question where you should live and why and how this will affect your career, kids, life, etc. My mom used to tell me that I think too much, and indeed I do. That's why Paul is such a good match for me - he leaves everything ultimately in God's hands rather than harping on anything, and me being the worry wart that I am, need his strength in this regard.

I felt today that God asked me multiple times, "Do you really trust me? Do you?" While it's easy to say, especially with a major life change like buying a house, I know that I falter and waver in this area, particularly when thinking about my own job and career track. My brother reminded me of something I told him a long time ago, and it's time to follow my own advice - pursue fulfillment artistically, and God will lead you.

So off I go - no more blogging for a little while - instead, practicing, getting my nails and callouses back in working order, and new programming. I'm excited. See you soon and thank you for being on this journey with me.

End Day 40.

Home.

I guess some things were just never meant to be. Our first bid on a house came and went - and we weren't even close! Ha. Oh well. It was worth a shot anyway.

Tonight, after we heard the news, E was snuggled on my lap reading a book with me. Aiko curled up next to us and Paul came down after putting the baby down and we all just sat together in this cuddly position and read Go Dog Go a few times through, with E pointing out all the sight words that she knows. And I thought to myself, this is what a home is. It's really something that no money can buy.

End Day 39.

Waiting, again.

And now we wait.

End Day 38.

Decision time

I am always surprised by how quickly my hubby can make decisions. Today, we finally had a moment where we walked into an open house and knew it was everything we were looking for. Most of this whole home buying process has thrown us lots of loops at how we each make decisions, what appeals to us, and how our family history has colored this search.

I'm not getting too attached yet, but am excited that there is now at least one place that we can see ourselves making a home in. And what a home it would be.

End Day 37.