At church on Sunday, I saw the most beautiful thing. The couple in front of me brought their 2 year old in with them for the musical part of the worship service. As the mom sang along with the music, she brought her hand up as a reflection of her worship to God. Her husband was holding their son, and as he saw his mom's hand come up, he did the same. Standing behind them, this sight was so poignant to me that I started crying right away. As I've struggled with feelings of being scared, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable during this pregnancy, I've been looking for places in which God would confirm for me the call to mothering yet another little one. This image of mother and son worshiping together in front of me seemed to say everything about what it really means to be a parent.
Kids are such amazing emulators. They learn everything by watching us and observing all our habits even when we are unaware of their gaze. And just as Elisa has learned to brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, and do anything else by imitating us, so she will learn from us what we worship, how we worship, and why we worship. A few weeks ago at church, I was praying and saw the most beautiful image of her worshiping God and it nearly broke my heart with desire. I realized that there is almost nothing I want more in life than for my kids to know Jesus and be saved. I felt an urgency to pray for the baby in my belly, not just that he would be healthy and safe, but that above all, that God would reach him, touch him, love him, and save him.
In those two moments, I understood motherhood in a different way - that my role is not only caretaker, nurturer, comforter, provider, but also teacher, mentor, sister, discipler. And though it will be awhile before either of our kids will go through tough questions about faith or even basic Bible stories with total comprehension, it is never too early to start practicing the latter types of roles in my everyday life, which is so hard because the most basic tasks of motherhood are so completely all-consuming. There will always be dirty dishes, laundry to fold, toys to clean up, and diapers to change, but I'm praying that God would give me energy to go beyond all that and be able to shepherd both of these little blessings in His ways.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Taco
They say that having a child is like seeing your heart run around outside of your body. I couldn't agree more. Except that I didn't know that my heart was capable of such cuteness, so many stinky poops, such surprise, and such love.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
So I guess we're doing this again. I'm 12 weeks pregnant today with Baby #2 (who we lovingly refer to as "The Taco" because of early cravings for Taco Bell, which no, I am not proud of, but yes, tasted so darn good and a bit nostalgic of my childhood) and as this first trimester quickly comes to a close and I am beginning to see something other than exhaustion and nausea around me, I will take this moment to process, be grateful, and be excited.
In many ways it feels much too soon - like, my body went through all this trauma and all the way back and my professional life did the same; so why are we messing it all up again now? And in many ways it feels completely natural and right. It feels like there is this little space in time carved out for this new person to come that will change us and change our family and change Elisa forever. This little person will really make our family a family, just like my brother made us a complete family when he came along 7 years after me and I can't imagine us being us without him. Like, you think you're complete, you think that this is just fine and just it and then you realize that your heart still has the capacity to love, to give, to do it all over again because your heart was made to be this huge, malleable thing that could adore these two little people running around outside your body.
Then I look over at my dear husband, who is cleaning the kitchen and washing the diapers and walking the dog while I pass out on the couch at 8pm (ok fine, it was 7:30pm). I see the way he adores our daughter and adores me even more, and I know that his heart is more than capable of loving another little person as intensely as our first little person. There was a time when I doubted that this was possible for us. But now as we prepare for the coming reality of Baby Taco entering the world, we know that all of us - even my toddler, and even the dog - will search within ourselves to love even more.
And that is what feels most right of all.
 |
| basking in today's 80 degree weather. goodbye, winter! |
Sunday, January 13, 2013
18 months
Today was one of the coldest days in LA that I can remember. When we got in the car this morning to go to breakfast, the snowflake warning light came on in the chilly 39 degree weather. This is pretty absurd to most Angelenos - this means I have to actually wear a coat or something, right? And I'm still cold! I don't think I even own a beanie or gloves or anymore, but I could have sure used them today.
This little bundle was ready to combat the cold. Elisa is happily sporting her new mary janes that she picked out herself and refuses to take off. What can I say? The girl's got taste.
She also fashioned this hair accessory for herself from one of my old scarves as she foraged fruit from the trees in the backyard. We've got some amazing amounts of oranges and lemons right now. She loves putting the fruit in her wagon and pushing them all around the patio.
Her playtime is getting more and more imaginative. It's amazing to see her mimicing us and using her new words all the time. Here she is at her play kitchen (she was refusing pants that morning).
Here she was in the middle of some funny dress up, but when she saw me pull my phone out to take a picture she got upset. This picture cracks me up - it's like a fiesta gone wrong.
And lastly, here is a daddy/daughter moment at lunch celebrating her 18 month birthday. This lemon ricotta cake from Forage made her put both hands up in the air with a big grin.
What a thrill! A year and a half feels like a big landmark for us. This is such a fun age - she is not having nearly as many tantrums as she did a few months ago, probably because her ability to communicate is improving all the time. The words and semblances of words are pretty amazing to hear, and she is sweet and funny as ever. She is still a mommyholic, but I'll savor it for now. Feeling grateful as ever today.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Entering 2013!
Call me Scrooge, but I'm kind of glad the holidays are over. We didn't have the greatest Christmas this year. Somehow, Elisa managed to catch a miserable cold and then a three-day fever, which was followed by a bumpy red rash all over her torso. A trip to urgent care and the great wisdom of the internet said it was roseola, a viral infection that only affects babies between 6 months and 2 years of age. Our poor little girl was miserable for almost a week while we were at the grandparents' house in the Bay Area and she was not her usual happy little self. She cried and cried from her discomfort, was tired most of the time, and couldn't sleep well since her nose was all stuffed up and she would wake up coughing. Needless to say, we got very little uninterrupted sleep with her waking up every 3 hours or so. We were sharing a room with her too, so that didn't help. I managed to catch her cold on Christmas Eve and was still completely out of it on Christmas, sleeping most of the day while the rest of the family watched her. Paul was holding us all together until he caught the cold a few days later, just as we left to drive back to LA. But the trooper that he was, he still insisted on driving the entire 5 hours and we got home in record time!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
Since we've been home, everybody has gotten healthy and settled into our normal routine again. I think we are all glad to be back, even though it was great to see friends and family up north. There's something about the comfort of your own home that is just really nice to have when you're not feeling well. And, it's about 10 degrees warmer here, though still cold for LA at this time of year. Elisa has gotten back to her normal, funny self, and we haven't had a crying session or tantrum for a few days now. She's full of smiles, laughs, and peekaboos at every occasion, and it is a real joy to see.
On New Year's Day, we arrived at Din Tai Fung in Arcadia at 10:45am to get in the line before opening at 11am, and were part of the first group seated in the restaurant. We rarely even bother trying to eat here anymore as it is crowded at all times of the day and we don't usually have the patience to wait for a table anymore. But it felt like a day for a new beginning. As we devoured our soup dumplings even before the clock struck noon, I declared that 2013 was going to be a good year. We made our resolutions that evening and set some personal goals for the year, and felt like our family was once again in a good rhythm. Putting away the tree yesterday, I wasn't sad or nostalgic like I usually am - instead, I was eager to move forward with life and take this year by storm. Bring it on, 2013!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Oh, for the love of Mommy.
It has been a whirlwind of a couple weeks. We had a great time in Seattle seeing family for Thanksgiving, and now somehow there is only a week until Christmas and then New Year's! Crazy how fast this last part of the year has gone by.
Elisa is in a phase right now where she just absolutely wants ME. I am like mommy on a pedestal that can do no wrong. Her eyes light up when shes sees me, she hugs my legs and wants to be held, and just this week she has learned to call out for me, going, "Mama. Mama? Mama! MAMA!" if I go from one room to another without bringing her with me.
I find this really sweet and endearing and I know it will not last forever, so I'm trying to cherish this moment in time of being her absolute favorite person in the world. I don't deserve this pure and unbridled affection from anyone, really. But I have to be honest... it is exhausting! I am exhausted from having this little person cling to me all day who would rather sit on my lap while I eat dinner than play with her toys about two feet away. She even does this thing where she pushes her daddy away if he tries to hold her and says staunchly, "MOMMY." It is amazing that the capacity to love comes out so early in children.
With this love also comes a comfort with me that seems to allow her to be her full self all the time. As Elisa is growing up, we're seeing that she is a very decisive, strong-willed little girl. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and if we tell her otherwise, she can get very upset. It seems like in addition to her attachment to me, she also gets more frustrated at me. Sometimes when I tell her not to do something she throws a little tantrum but keeps saying the syllable, "Mamamamamama!" I said to Paul, "I don't think she's referring to me," to which he replied, "I think she's using your name as a curse word." That was kind of discouraging.
I suppose all mothers and daughters have their closeness and conflict as well. Sometimes I think she is growing up all too fast; other times, I am eager for the day when the ability to use logic and reason has kicked in and she is able to communicate all her thoughts, wants, and needs. The other day, Paul went to get her in the morning and as she approached our room where I was lying in bed, she said in a whiny voice, "Mommm." I half expected her to ask for the car keys too. Thank goodness that won't be happening for another 15 years.
Elisa is in a phase right now where she just absolutely wants ME. I am like mommy on a pedestal that can do no wrong. Her eyes light up when shes sees me, she hugs my legs and wants to be held, and just this week she has learned to call out for me, going, "Mama. Mama? Mama! MAMA!" if I go from one room to another without bringing her with me.
I find this really sweet and endearing and I know it will not last forever, so I'm trying to cherish this moment in time of being her absolute favorite person in the world. I don't deserve this pure and unbridled affection from anyone, really. But I have to be honest... it is exhausting! I am exhausted from having this little person cling to me all day who would rather sit on my lap while I eat dinner than play with her toys about two feet away. She even does this thing where she pushes her daddy away if he tries to hold her and says staunchly, "MOMMY." It is amazing that the capacity to love comes out so early in children.
With this love also comes a comfort with me that seems to allow her to be her full self all the time. As Elisa is growing up, we're seeing that she is a very decisive, strong-willed little girl. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and if we tell her otherwise, she can get very upset. It seems like in addition to her attachment to me, she also gets more frustrated at me. Sometimes when I tell her not to do something she throws a little tantrum but keeps saying the syllable, "Mamamamamama!" I said to Paul, "I don't think she's referring to me," to which he replied, "I think she's using your name as a curse word." That was kind of discouraging.
I suppose all mothers and daughters have their closeness and conflict as well. Sometimes I think she is growing up all too fast; other times, I am eager for the day when the ability to use logic and reason has kicked in and she is able to communicate all her thoughts, wants, and needs. The other day, Paul went to get her in the morning and as she approached our room where I was lying in bed, she said in a whiny voice, "Mommm." I half expected her to ask for the car keys too. Thank goodness that won't be happening for another 15 years.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Off to the desert!
We decided to take a trip for our 6th anniversary this year. The only problem is that having a toddler with us sort of limits where we go. My preference on vacationing is no plane rides, and no further than a 2 hour car trip. At this age, any travel outside of this range is usually more stressful than relaxing, so we've learned!
Another new requirement for traveling with a little one? No more hotels for us. On our first experience vacationing in a standard hotel room, we were so paranoid about waking her that we ended up sitting in the bathroom and watching movies on our phones while Elisa slept. So now we have taken on the new habit of booking a house rental wherever we go, and it has worked out nicely for the most part.
We've been to the Palm Springs area a few times and have really enjoyed it each time. It's a nice escape and an easy trip from LA. There are great spas and some hotels have mineral water pools which I just LOVE. I also enjoy watching the terrain change on the drive eastward. And fall is a perfect time of year out there, not too hot and not too cold. I found this 2 BR house on a recommendation and thought it would be perfect for our weekend away, complete with a heated pool and hot tub for some relaxation after Elisa's bedtime. The plan was to cook all our meals, get some nice bottles of wine and champagne, and not bother with the mediocre/overpriced restaurant scene. In fact, we were fine not really leaving the place much. Kind of a homebody vacation.
The drive was beautiful, with Elisa napping peacefully and a cool but sunny day with lots of visibility.
She later resorted to taking pictures of herself on the iPad. I forgot to bring toys. Big mistake.
We did a lot of cooking from my new Smitten Kitchen cookbook, which I am loving. And with a kitchen like this, who could resist!
Paul getting ready to feast on harvest roast chicken with grapes, olives and rosemary with a side of sauteed kale.
The second night she went down beautifully, and slept straight until after 7am, which is a late morning for us! That night, Paul and I were able to enjoy champagne outside by the firepit, soaking in the hot tub and looking up at the stars in the clear desert sky. We woke up the next morning rested and ready for the trip back to LA. I even got to have a cup of tea and some quiet time by myself before Elisa woke up. After a lovely breakfast feast that Paul made of tomato, feta, and scallion omlettes, we were on the road by 11am, ready for a brief outlet mall and In N' Out stop on the way back.
So we had a few challenges, but overall a lovely weekend. I wouldn't have it any other way. So thankful for my dear husband and little girl.
Another new requirement for traveling with a little one? No more hotels for us. On our first experience vacationing in a standard hotel room, we were so paranoid about waking her that we ended up sitting in the bathroom and watching movies on our phones while Elisa slept. So now we have taken on the new habit of booking a house rental wherever we go, and it has worked out nicely for the most part.
We've been to the Palm Springs area a few times and have really enjoyed it each time. It's a nice escape and an easy trip from LA. There are great spas and some hotels have mineral water pools which I just LOVE. I also enjoy watching the terrain change on the drive eastward. And fall is a perfect time of year out there, not too hot and not too cold. I found this 2 BR house on a recommendation and thought it would be perfect for our weekend away, complete with a heated pool and hot tub for some relaxation after Elisa's bedtime. The plan was to cook all our meals, get some nice bottles of wine and champagne, and not bother with the mediocre/overpriced restaurant scene. In fact, we were fine not really leaving the place much. Kind of a homebody vacation.
The drive was beautiful, with Elisa napping peacefully and a cool but sunny day with lots of visibility.
The house was so immaculately designed that I almost hit myself for booking such a nice place. We were traveling with a small human tornado, after all. Elisa's favorite activity right now is throwing everything within reach onto the floor. We did a lot of outdoor walking to get all her energy out and also went to a nearby park. Here she is in front of our home for the weekend.
But definitely enjoyed exploring the new digs.
The pool was inviting, but definitely not childproof either, so Elisa sat at the bar for awhile...
Then she went for a swim with Daddy, but did not enjoy it all that much for whatever reason.
We reminisced about dating, married life before baby, and our current lives in the thick of parenting. Though we all had a great time together, it was still a little tough with Elisa not taking to the new place that well for bedtime. She cried for nearly an hour going to bed the first night, and then woke up again at 2am and would not stop until I finally just lay down beside her. We haven't slept next to each other since she was a newborn. I think she was really scared of the new environment and just needed reassurance that we were there. So I sang some hymns quietly to her until her eyelids started to droop. She clasped my hand tightly, her round eyes staring up at the ceiling, sniffling, trying to catch her breath, her lovey bear in her other arm. So sad.
At 16 months, fear has just become a very palpable emotion for her. When she sees strangers, hears loud noises, or is in a new place, she clings to me tighter or burrows her face into me. It's actually kind of sweet being somebody's source of security, to feel needed and wanted like that. But I think I slept maybe 4 hours that first night, which made the second day feel unbelievably long (despite the rough night of sleep for Elisa, she was up and ready to go at 6am, hitting my face until I woke up) until I thankfully got a brief catnap in.
While I lay there next to her that night, thinking about how different our previous trips to Palm Springs were, I looked over at her little face and saw her asleep, a sight that I rarely see up close since most of the time at home she sleeps well in her own room without interruption. I was tired, but that moment of being a source of comfort to my little girl in the middle of the night reminded me that my life has forever changed because of her. There will always be these nights, where my expectations of a full night of sleep are interrupted by her needs, and where her needs come before my own. It was a reminder that though she's not a baby anymore, she still needs us in a different way, and we have to constantly be flexible and adjust to her needs in every season.
So we had a few challenges, but overall a lovely weekend. I wouldn't have it any other way. So thankful for my dear husband and little girl.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Family Photos
We took family pictures last month. We don't usually do that sort of thing - we never took professional engagement photos or newborn photos, but I found a photographer running an end of summer special and decided to go for it.
In reality, the photo shoot was a total bust. Elisa drooled all over her outfit, so we had to put her in a backup outfit that the photographer didn't seem to like that much. She was super fussy by the end of the shoot, and I don't blame her, as it took about 2 hours and half the time she wasn't looking at the camera, nor was she remotely interested in all the antics we were pulling trying to get her attention. Then there was a mid-shoot poop situation and screaming diaper change. By the end, it was past lunchtime and we were all getting hungry and cranky. As we left Griffith Park, Paul and I were bickering about something stupid. I started crying. I'd wanted everything to look so nice and perfect, and it definitely was not feeling nice and not at all close to perfect.
So really, it was not a very happy situation.
It's funny that once you have a baby, people start calling you a family. And although this year has brought more challenges to our marriage than any of the 11 years that we've been together, we're doing our best to be a family. Which means that no, things are not always happy. Not everything goes perfectly, not every outing is free from tears and tantrums, and at the end of it, somebody is always hungry or has said something out of frustration. But we're trying, and being a family means we're not giving up. We love each other and that's what counts, and that's what I hope these pictures show. All in all, I think they turned out pretty well. Here are some of my favorites.
All photos by Bracha Jade. Elisa's denim smock dress by Kumquat.
In reality, the photo shoot was a total bust. Elisa drooled all over her outfit, so we had to put her in a backup outfit that the photographer didn't seem to like that much. She was super fussy by the end of the shoot, and I don't blame her, as it took about 2 hours and half the time she wasn't looking at the camera, nor was she remotely interested in all the antics we were pulling trying to get her attention. Then there was a mid-shoot poop situation and screaming diaper change. By the end, it was past lunchtime and we were all getting hungry and cranky. As we left Griffith Park, Paul and I were bickering about something stupid. I started crying. I'd wanted everything to look so nice and perfect, and it definitely was not feeling nice and not at all close to perfect.
So really, it was not a very happy situation.
It's funny that once you have a baby, people start calling you a family. And although this year has brought more challenges to our marriage than any of the 11 years that we've been together, we're doing our best to be a family. Which means that no, things are not always happy. Not everything goes perfectly, not every outing is free from tears and tantrums, and at the end of it, somebody is always hungry or has said something out of frustration. But we're trying, and being a family means we're not giving up. We love each other and that's what counts, and that's what I hope these pictures show. All in all, I think they turned out pretty well. Here are some of my favorites.
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