Being skinny.

In the past week, several people have remarked to me that I look "skinny." I was partially taken aback by these comments because I haven't necessarily noticed it myself, but then again I probably don't look in the mirror more than once a day really. I have noticed that my pants are too big, but this was more of an annoyance because I don't have time to go shopping anymore. So yes, I guess I am losing weight, although I have done very little to try to do so besides carrying my kids around all the time and attending an Pop Physique class every once in a blue moon.

I've never thought of myself as "skinny" and having been called this a few times now, I felt like it was such a foreign label for my body. I have always been kinda curvy for an Asian woman. I am not embarrassed that I have hips and boobs, and while every woman desires to be thinner, I have always been pretty comfortable in my body even in those seasons when I ate a little too much Korean BBQ. Even now at eight months, there are clearly hormonal changes still going on because C is nursing less often than she used to. I've noticed these past few weeks that my hair is shedding less and I am getting pimples again. Probably the best side effect of pregnancy was having really clear skin. Oh well. They say that it takes about as long to lose the postpartum weight as pregnancy, so we're close. But I thought to myself - I'm still in the postpartum season? It takes SO long to just be normal again!

And while many women would love to be called skinny, I can't help but feel like in some respects I could care less. Because while I want to look and feel good (who doesn't?) I have little choice but to put myself and my own needs last now and it's surprising that during all the times that I wanted to lose weight in my life, the one time where I don't really care quite as much it just happens. (Thank you, breastfeeding.) Funny how that is.

End Day 16.

Floor nap.

Last night was a bad night. So at work today, I took a nap on the floor of my studio for about half an hour. It was heavenly. Paul took the kids to an open house, but they both fell asleep on the way there. He pulled over and took a nap too. God provided just enough rest when we all needed it. We even had energy to go out to dinner with some old friends with a five month old baby. It was refreshing to see them.

I have learned that I am an extremely extroverted introvert. I need to be around people and have meaningful conversations to have energy and feel happy about life. I have such little energy to make plans with people these days so when I do get to see good friends I realize how worth the trouble it is to take the kids out with us and just do it.

End Day 15.

Sweet relief, just for a day.

I knew it. I knew there was hope! C slept all the way through the night, 7pm to 6am. E slept pretty well too, though it took her almost until 9:30pm to fall asleep. She must have napped well at school. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD.

End Day 14.

Love.

Throughout the day, God has been reminding me of his simple love for me - that He has always provided for us, always had perfect timing, always given us hope and cared for us to no end. Sometimes when you're overwhelmed and haven't gotten good sleep in months, it can feel like everything is falling apart. But it isn't. Oh, how He loves us.

End Day 13.

Exhaustion.

I am spent. Skipped work today because C had diaper rash that was so bad it was bleeding, and I couldn't bear to put her in daycare. I think she has a funky stomach virus because she pooped about 7 times today, and each time kicked and screamed like she was being tortured as I changed her diaper. Poor little girl. I hope it all passes soon. Meanwhile, E had crusty, swollen eyes and I feared it was pink eye. I took her to the doctor and she gave us a prescription for some eyedrops. I was so proud of E for not crying as the doctor examined her. Pretty sure she got it from the church nursery because there were about 30 kids in there this week for some reason, and half of them were crying. I noticed it on Monday, though it sort of went away yesterday, but today was back and a little worse. She also had some funny rashy bumps on her torso, which freaked me out, but P said was probably just the virus doing its thing. They probably both have the same virus but it is just exhibiting different symptoms. I find that this happens all the time having two little ones now. Like every three months or so they have something. Praying that everyone heals up by tomorrow because I have a backlog of students to teach and I could sure use a break, and going to work is SO much easier than staying home for a day.

It's hard to know how to pass the time when you have sick kids that aren't really acting sick. Too sick to go where there are a bunch of other kids, but not sick enough to stay home all day. We spent most of the morning in Griffith Park with our neighbor friends, and I was so thankful to be out with them enjoying the beautiful cool weather. We did a short hike, had lunch at the lovely Trails cafe, and then had to coax them back to the car, which took about an hour. I don't know how E wasn't totally exhausted at the end of that - she was in a fantastic mood as we went to the doctor, but a few hours later had a total meltdown because she was trying to make a 3x9 rectangle with her alphabet blocks, but there were only 26 of them of course, and the fact that there was one missing in her little formation made Miss OCD completely upset. I could do nothing but listen to her crying, "Where's the last one? It's open! Close it! CLOSE IT!" C and I walked around the house just to get a break from the insanity.

Last night I played some Bach (D major Cello Suite, from memory) just to get my fingers on the guitar again. Haven't practiced since my last concert three weeks ago. It feels bad. But everything is so utterly exhausting lately. I'm trying to keep up with all the housework since Paul is working so much. E created "Pretend Daddy" who plays outside with her. It's a little odd. And sad.

So far they are sleeping beautifully tonight. I'm now going to have a beer and catch up on a rerun of something or other.

End Day 12.

Sister love.

I've managed to have some good one on one time with each of my girls lately. On Saturday, Paul takes E to swim class, so I get to have Little Miss Curly all to myself for the morning. Then on Monday, E woke up with what I thought was a really bad cold and fever. But after she took a 20 minute nap on me in the glider, she bounced back to her normal self and all her symptoms went away. It was really strange. I sent C to daycare that day so she wouldn't be so directly exposed to what her sister had, so it was unusual to have just E home with me that day. We ended up having a lovely day together, although every now and then she would turn to me confused and ask, "Hey, where's Baby Cara?"

On both days, I realized that this whole parenting thing is hard because there are two of them. Toddler was way better behaved having all the attention. And baby was way better stimulated with all the attention I was giving her. Sometimes I feel like I'm selling them both short not being able to attend to all their needs on my own, which makes me sad. But I know their closeness will be worth it.

When they see first see each other after being apart for a little while, they smile and giggle at each other for a good five minutes. Then E tries to give her sister all kinds of things, like multiple blankets, non-baby safe toys, and necklaces with small beads. Lovely. They also do this funny screaming thing that I think girls only do with their sisters. And just when I think I have really had it with room sharing - E was screaming after bath today because she got a paper cut at school, which woke the baby up - we close the door and I hear E saying, "It's ok Baby Cara. They're going to come back soon. Just close your eyes." The crying fades away and turns to laughs and giggles. And Paul and I turn to each other and sigh.

End Day 11.

Oops.

First violation. Forgot to blog yesterday. Was too busy getting everything ready for.... E's first day of preschool! Drop off went swimmingly.  Hoping she has a great day today.

End Day 10.