Nostalgia

We decided to sell our SLR camera to possibly upgrade in the future, and in cleaning out the memory card I got pretty nostalgic looking at these old pics of Elisa at different stages during her first year, noticing the amount of baby fat that she's lost already in her face and her limbs. Here are some of my favorites.

Toddlerhood.

Requisite remorseful statement about not posting enough: 
I regret not posting on this blog more frequently. I wish I could look back and have a month by month chronicle of everything that's gone on in mommydom - but alas, I went into some kind of black hole during months 5-12. I think it was an attempt to practice guitar or something. Oh well. Maybe I'll redo the site a little bit and start posting weekly, even if they are boring chronicles of every day life.

I miss having a little baby. Dare I say it? No, it's not what you think. Don't think I'm quite ready for another yet. But every single day, it is so apparent to me that Elisa is totally embracing toddlerhood and becoming more of a real little person. She's like my buddy that I take around with me wherever I go. Except this buddy is prone to tantrums, whining, being hungry every hour, and on a bad day, kicking and screaming. (Sounds a bit like me when I'm PMSing.) She can easily be cheered up with baked goods though. Hmm, also sounds a bit like me - on a normal basis...

I shouldn't dwell on the negatives because there are plenty of positives. She's learning so many things and is unbearably cute in her new pink sneakers that we got a few weeks ago when walking became imminent. She has been walking for about three weeks now and getting sturdier every day. I half expect to see her running if I turn my back. Sometimes when she loses balance, she'll stick out her right arm in this Frankenstein sort of way with it half crooked pointing towards the sky. Other times, she'll pick up random objects and hold them while she walks, maybe for balance, but also just to prove that she can multitask. These items include books, trash, packaging, spoons, and anything with a handle. The other day we were at a Mexican place having lunch and she proceeded to walk around the entire restaurant and touch random strangers while making her kissing face at them.

Today we went to the library for weekly story time and afterwards, she sat in a kiddie sized chair and flipped through a book. Paul happened to call me from San Francisco, where he is on a one-day business trip. I said, "Elisa is sitting in a chair looking at a book." He promptly freaked out and said, "She's sitting in a chair? She's such a woman now. Next thing you know, she'll be driving and hanging out at coffee shops."

Ok, so I guess we're still new parents. These new steps of toddlerhood are pretty thrilling, in a lot of the ways that infancy were. They're just different. I'm trying to embrace it, too.

Pizza delivery!

How time flies!

I wasn't sure if this blog would survive. It looks like I stopped writing right after I finished my maternity leave. Then life picked up, I went back to working three days a week, played a few concerts, and poof - here we are! Today E turns 13 months. I meant to write for each month at least - but oh well. You do the best you can. This is my motto as of late because sometimes everything just feels like a big mess.

E is nearly on the verge of walking. She's pulling up everywhere, can't sit still in her high chair for more than 5 minutes, and I am constantly chasing her around the house as she cruises around the couch and coffee table, climbs up the stairs, and crawls fast chasing the dog. The good news is that she sleeps great these days. She takes two full naps that usually run from 1.5-2 hours each, and about 11-12 hours at night without interruption. Must be all that extra energy required to be so mobile. Phew! It makes me exhausted. It seems like we have a routine now where we settle on the couch after she's in bed, watch the Olympics, and I fall asleep watching all athletes do their thing. It looks so tiring - I figure someone's gotta conserve energy while these folks in London are expending so much. (And yes, usually its barely 10pm by the time I'm passed out. It's funny to think that I ever struggled with insomnia - but that's a post for another time.)

Having a toddler requires a different kind of energy than a baby did. Before E was so mobile, I mostly felt a physical drain and I was tired a lot because I'd be up nursing her. But now it requires a patience and vigilance on her that I didn't have to exercise before. She is starting to assert her independence too. Before, I could just pick her up to go upstairs, change her diaper, or go somewhere and now if she doesn't want to, she produces a high pitched whine and pushes me away. This is hard, because I'm so used to having control without a fight - and now this little person is realizing that she can have some control too. And to be pushed away by a little person that was once in your belly and relied on you for every basic physical need - well, it hurts if you take it personally! So I try not to, but sometimes I miss having a little blob that you could just set on the couch and cook breakfast and the blob wouldn't have moved. But I digress. I do love my little toddler.

P thinks she interacts with me in a different way than him. Whereas he is all play time, picking her up and throwing her around while she squeals in delight, reading her books in funny voices, singing ridiculous made-up songs about poo, she seems to look to me for sustenance and comfort. This is probably left over from our nursing relationship, where I was her walking source of food all the time. But now if she is hungry, thirsty, scared of a new place, or wants me to walk her around holding her hands up high (and straining my back and neck), she has a particular look (and whine) that she gives me that she doesn't usually give to her daddy. It's pretty fascinating that we have such distinct roles in her life already.

Yesterday, I had a particularly hard day. It's been 95-100 degrees every day this week as we're getting one of those late summer heat waves. So after we got back from music class, I parked across the street from our house under some shade. As I was crossing the street holding E, I slipped and fell in the middle of the street - hard. I was wearing these really cute sandals that I got from my favorite boutique that were super cheap ($16!) but have no traction on the bottom. I skinned both my knees and although I tried to protect E from the fall, she hit her head also and ended up with a slight bruise. I'm just glad it wasn't worse. I had blood dripping down my leg as I walked into the house and E was crying pretty hard from the shock (then she touched my knee and had blood on her and it freaked me out because I thought it was hers), but luckily P was home to clean us up. I think it wasn't the physical pain that wore me out for the rest of the day. It was fact that despite my best efforts, I couldn't shield E from falling in the middle of a street where people drive pretty fast down the hill, and I just felt plain old incompetent. I'm often not very good at walking. I spent the rest of the day feeling really discouraged. Plus, I was really sticky and cranky from the heat. That's probably how E felt too. Sometimes we're not all that different from toddlers.

Anyway, I'm in need of strength and I've been trying to find a good devotional book for mothers but I can't seem to find anything that's not written by Texan women with big hair. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But if anyone knows of something that is a little more compelling than what came up on my Amazon search, then please do send some recommendations my way. I could use a little sustenance myself.

Some pictures from this week.

Playing guitar, sitar style

Practicing her puckers

Picnicing at the Americana

Chowing down

Dating for Mommies

Everywhere I go these days, people are emphasizing the importance of having good community - real, authentic community that supports you and goes through the challenges of life with you. I've always known this is important, but it is one thing to know the importance of community and another thing to actually have good community. The last sermon I heard on this topic this was this past Sunday where I promptly thought to myself, He's preaching to the choir on this one - now how do I get it?

We live in a society where caretakers and their children are more isolated than ever. It's more and more common for people to live far away from their extended families, leaving mom (or dad) who is home with baby alone for long periods of the day. I've recently experienced how isolating this is and how I long to meet other women in my area who are going through the struggles of taking care of an infant day in and day out, if only just to talk about which diapers to use or what their baby's sleep schedule is, how their lifestyle has changed, etc. Mostly because it would make me feel a little more sane to know that I'm not the only person in Los Angeles who contemplates spit up and diaper cream all day.

So I've been trying to put myself out there whenever I meet another mom and reach out even in the strangest of circumstances. I was emailing with the chef of a nearby restaurant we love who made food for our housewarming party a few weeks ago, and she introduced me to a moms' support group on LA's east side aptly named the Booby Brigade. I posted a message on our message board looking to meet up with other moms and have gotten a few responses so far. I also emailed a mom twice that I stalked out (well, sort of) at a church we have been visiting because her baby was the same age as Elisa. So far no response. Every time I see a mom walking with her baby or with a stroller, I wonder if I should just introduce myself but I usually feel a little awkward about it. I feel like I'm dating or something. I mean, am I cool enough for all these hipster moms in our area?

Elisa is 4 months and is just a little ball of cuteness. I am getting more rest than I have since she was born (which is still not exactly a normal 7-8 hours of interrupted sleep, but you take what you can get!). I love waking up to her smiling face and watching her interact with the world in new ways all the time. Here she is with her big morning smile. Getting greeted by her when she's in this good a mood definitely overshadows all the tiredness.

Around the Bend

I blame the lack of blogging on something very simple - this month, we moved! We're now settled in a 2 BR house in the Silver Lake area of LA, only about 5 minutes from where we used to live but with way more space. We've also got a lovely patio area, a non-working hot tub, and carpet instead of hardwood, which is nice for Elisa.

This past week, I think Elisa has finally turned a corner. She is adjusting more and more beautifully into life outside the womb. The past month or so, she would be in a good mood in the mornings, but get fussier as the day progressed. Lately, I can get a smile out of her almost all day long. She's doing better with riding in the car without crying, and she charms most people she meets with a smile and sometimes even a laugh.

Sleep training was hard to stomach at first...in the newborn days we didn't feel good about letting her "cry-it-out" for very long since her needs were so physical (hungry, poopy, tired). Then we realized that more and more often, she cried because of her emotional attachment to us and our soothing methods were becoming less and less effective. So we letting her cry, and after one night of a rough wailing session and us going in to comfort her in intervals, she woke up bright eyed and smiling, and napped without a complaint the next day. It's been up and down since then, but overall, she is learning to sleep better in her crib than she ever did. Now, when she's content to go to sleep, we can put her in the crib without the usual swaddle, rock, nurse routine, and she'll eventually drift off to sleep. There are of course times when she does not want to sleep, but in general it is getting easier and easier to put her down for naps and bedtime. What a huge blessing! Getting her off the pacifier will be another battle, but hey, one thing at a time.

Here's our happy girl at almost four months.

End Fourth Trimester

Elisa had her 3 month birthday yesterday, which we celebrated with our monthly cupcakes from Lark, my favorite bakery in the neighborhood where I always eat way too many pecan bar samples every time I go in there. Yum. Of course, the only way to have her taste the cupcakes is for me to eat them. This is a good tradition. Yesterday we got the autumnal pumpkin flavor and our classic vanilla favorite.

I've been waiting for the end of the first three months. Not that I haven't enjoyed taking care of her and seeing her grow in the newborn phase, and I often really miss how little she was when she was first born. But everyone kept telling me - hang in there, the first three months are the hardest and my doctor even termed it the "fourth trimester." I had this glorious view of what this next period would be like, that maybe I would wake up on October 12 and she would be a perfect angel, no crying and fussing or anything. Wrong. Today has been a tough day, probably because I am itching to get more of our stuff packed up but frustrated that she won't seem to nap for more than 20 minutes. I finally got her to take a nap now after a fight with the swaddle blanket. Last week, Paul's mom and grandma came to visit and she was great in the mornings, but totally fussy every evening. It took tons of rocking, swaddling, and shushing to get her in any kind of state to go to sleep. We even had a meltdown episode at our favorite dim sum restaurant. For some reason, Elisa just wouldn't stop crying for the 1 1/2 hours that we were there. We had to take turns taking her outside, and just when we thought we had gotten her calmed down in the car, she started another crying session that lasted the whole way home. Suffice it to say that we won't be going back there anytime soon, unfortunately. So far the end of the fourth trimester has been pretty unremarkable, sadly enough. People were saying, the first three months are the hardest - it'll get easier. Now they're saying things get easier after six months! Hopefully things will get easier soon.

Little Miss Personality

Lately, Elisa has been smiling and cooing to no end. It's such a fun stage that she's getting into. Last week, I brought her to work where we were having a faculty luncheon and she charmed everyone she met, smiling and laughing, sitting quietly while we ate, and then making her exit with a very big poop that leaked onto my hand while I was holding her (luckily, no one else noticed).

I'm seeing some of her personality start to come out, and although she's barely 3 months old, these are my guesses. We'll see if they hold true:

• She's a people person - she loves meeting new faces and smiles at both familiar and unfamiliar people, then gets totally exhausted from the energy it takes to process all of it.
  
• She's determined and a bit stubborn (don't know where she get's this...). This is evident in the way she fights her way out of swaddles, refuses to sleep even if she's really tired, and the vigorous way that she nurses.
• She's vocal and communicative. If she's hungry, she has a specific cry (sounds like, "Aaa. Aaa. Aaa!") and if she's not done quite yet but I try to close up the cafe, she'll let me know right away.
  
• She's a clean freak. If her diaper is the littlest bit dirty, she protests - loudly. Sometimes she cries loudly right before she starts peeing, which we've found out the hard way because it often happens while we're changing her diaper and pee ends up on the changing table and all over her clothes. It seems like she thinks the idea of sitting in her own urine for any amount of time is philistine and unrefined. Maybe she's ready for potty training already!
  
• She's smart. Lately, she's been cooing and babbling, and when you say a word to her, it sounds like she's trying to say it back to you! A word she seems to say a lot sounds like "Ah-go" which I think sounds a lot like "Aiko," the name of our dog and something we say a lot around the house. I'm sure all parents think their children are smart, but she has one particular expression where her brow is furrowed and it looks like she's processing something really complex, like contemplating her philosophy on life outside the womb or solving quadratic equations in her head.

Another parent told me that the 3-6 month period are the "golden months" because babies sleep longer during this time and start to become so cute and interactive. If this is a glimpse of what's to come, then I'm looking forward to it. We're still working on the sleep part of it, but hopefully she'll sleep longer and longer stretches soon.

This is currently my favorite photo of her, which Paul and I both posted on FB so you may have seen it by now! I bought this hat when she was about a week old and didn't think it would ever fit her - it seemed so huge at the time.