Day 36: Normalcy

Today all the daycare teachers couldn't believe how much better C's skin looked. One of the teachers  even said that she wants to get the new lotion that C is using! It was a remarkably normal and productive day - I got lots of work done in the morning, didn't google anything about eczema all day, and Paul and I had a nice lunch date at our favorite Mexican neighborhood diner.

I'm just hoping her body will continue to respond well to the new treatment - trying not to count my chickens before they're hatched. Continuing to feel so grateful that today my baby girl is happy, active, silly and just being herself. Taking each day as it comes.

Day 35: Cesar Chavez Day

Today daycare was closed because of Cesar Chavez Day. If we did not live in LA, I would have never known it was Cesar Chavez Day. Although I have to say, I did not notice anything different about today - did not hear about any parades and we still got mail. So I have to admit, I kinda rolled my eyes that daycare made it an official holiday, but our hard-working staff deserve the day off and I really enjoyed being home with the girls and taking the day off from work.

Well, here was our day in photos. We started our morning by the girls sleeping in(!) until about 7:40am, which was a world-record of some sort. I don't know what the occassion was; I guess they knew it was Cesar Chavez Day also. Plus they were tuckered out from our trip to OC yesterday for a birthday party and lots of festivities. So we had a nice slow morning with some TV time, and then headed out around 10am.

We went to our neighborhood indoor playground called The Awesome Playground, which I love because it is just one big room with toys and I can sit and look at stuff on my phone while they play amongst themselves. It's all baby safe and is usually not very crowded. They have dress-up costumes there, which C was into today. Also, check out how beautifully pale C was today! I cannot believe how quickly her eczema is clearing up.  She was playing so happily today that I now realize how accustomed I've become to her discomfort. When normal play is an unusual thing, I guess you know you've been through something tough with your kid.

 Costume change time.

 The table service at this joint is amazing.

This car is not going fast enough!

 During naptime, E (with her extremely sharp eyes) spotted a box in my closet that had her flower girl dress for Uncle Danny and Auntie Kristen's wedding. I got it on a pre-Easter sale that Macy's was having, though the wedding is not until October! To clear up her confusion, I had to explain several times that being a flower girl does NOT mean you dress up as a flower.

 Some afternoon playtime in my studio.

 They love sitting together in this chair.

 Again, C showing off her unusually non-blotchy skin.

 After dinner, ending the day with some home made popsicles.

Overall, it was a lovely day. They are playing so well together lately, and are quite the pair in all the funny ways that they interact. C constantly copies E, but E tries to copy C too because she knows that C is copying her. It's a precious relationship that makes me feel so glad about having them close together, despite the fact that I really remember nothing from that sleep-deprived first year.

Day 34: Swept Away

C continues to improve. She was in a fantastic mood today, and there were very few moments that she was scratching her usual places and saying, "Owie." Her skin seems like it's healing before my eyes. A few days ago, it had the texture of what I imagine elephant skin feels like - rough and sort of wrinkly. Today, by the time I got her out of the bath and applied the new Shikai Borage Therapy lotion on her, I felt less and less of that rough, wrinkly texture. There was barely any red on her back and torso. I am really amazed. This girl is healing.

I can't explain how much joy I feel just seeing her do her thing. Running around the house with her hands spread behind her back shouting, "Airplane! Airplane!" or playing dress-up with her sister. I haven't seen her this happy for what feels like a long time. And though she still has her tough moments because she is just a toddler, there's a lightness and a sweetness in her demeanor that makes me feel like she knows that she's getting better. I think she also senses the attention I've been putting on her lately, as she has been more clingy to me the past few days, which is a first. She's been insisting that I take her out of the car, that I hold her more than Paul, that I put her to bed. Meanwhile, E has adjusted by insisting on Daddy more often than she usually does, which is also a first - she has always been more attached to me. It's sort of a refreshing change for all of us.

Tonight, when I put C to bed, I sang her "Sanctuary" and she just kind of collapsed onto my chest. Then she suddenly looked up at me. We just stared at each other for a long time, and she smiled and put her forehead on my mouth for me to kiss it. I just melted into a million pieces with affection for my curly-haired little girl, wanting her sweet spirit to burst free into this world and shower it with as much goodness as she's put into my life.

I think I've started to lose myself a little bit in this whole eczema ordeal. In case you can't tell, it's really consumed me lately and I am sure you're tired of hearing about it. I hope I can distance myself from it a little bit this week if C continues to heal up. It's all I want to talk about with anyone, mostly because I feel that there is some kind of injustice for all the kids out there who suffer from eczema and just get prescribed steroid creams. Sometimes I get swept up into causes where I feel there's some kind of ignorance or oppression represented. I feel for every kid out there who has been stuck in this endless cycle of scratching. Our allergist told us about a baby that came to him from Japan. His mother had dressed him in a onesie and safety-pinned the arms of the onesie to his side so he couldn't move his arms to scratch himself. Once they unpinned his arms, he began scratching and would not stop, so much that by the time the appointment was over, he was bleeding all over his body. The itch was too unbearable. I feel so sad for all the kids with severe eczema out there. I hope they find the right healing and treatment too. In the meantime, I will try not to get too carried away in all this. I am just so grateful that God is meeting me in this 40-day journey, that he is showing me His strength and answering so graciously.

Day 33: Perfect Saturday

Maybe it wasn't a perfect Saturday. It did end with us going for a family walk and C insisting on me carrying her for a quarter mile hike back to our house, with a diaper full of poop that was leaking onto my arm. One of the more unpleasant experiences I've had for a long time. The probiotics are giving her digestive system a little too much action. Not sure which is the worse of two evils...

Otherwise, we had a great day just being at home, doing some grocery shopping, and having lunch out, and watching a few episodes of our new favorite show on Amazon Prime - Tumble Leaf, a really beautifully done show about two foxes that is supposed to look like stop motion (but I'm sure it's CG). And there are no annoying jingles.

First day on the new allergist's regiment was quite successful. We gave her antihistamines in the morning, and I swear - her back literally changed color in a matter of hours. It was red and bumpy yesterday, and when she woke up this morning there was blood all over the crib sheet from her cheeks being so dry that they bled while she was sleeping. She must have been scratching too. After the antihistamines, the redness continued to diminish and by noon her color was paler and there were just small scabs left on her cheeks. She is still dry, but the redness seems to be going down tremendously. Take a look at these two before and after photos (which were never meant to be before and after photos, so sorry about the terrible photography, but that's all I got):

Here we are yesterday after her doctor's appointment. We stopped at a Korean restaurant on the way home for some naeng myun - if you can look beyond the cup she's holding, you'll see how red and blotchy her face is. Her wrists and hands are scabbed and raw:

And here are C and Paul at lunch today at Pitfire Pizza. She was not in a great mood mostly because she was tired, but her face is a different color:

We still have a ways to go, but if we are seeing positive changes on just the first day of treatment, then I am hopeful. 

I thought about Naaman a lot today. It must feel so good to be healed. Help is coming, baby girl. 

Day 32: Answers

Last night before bedtime, E and I were reading the story of Naaman (2 Kings 5) in her kid's Bible. Naaman, or as E calls him, "the guy with the owies," had leprosy. He was a valiant soldier, but he had leprosy. First he was sent to the king of Israel to be healed, but he King tore his robes and didn't know what to do. Elisha the prophet offered to help, and had Naaman bathe in the river. He told Naaman to wash himself seven times in the Jordan River, and that Naaman's flesh would be restored. Naaman first refused, but when he actually did what Elisha said, he was healed.

This made Naaman want to turn everything over to the God of Israel and declare Him as the only God.

In reading this story, I couldn't help but draw a parallel to poor C. Yesterday her arms were so raw and dry that they were bleeding. She kept scratching and was just miserably uncomfortable. It was just breaking my heart. And then at bedtime, E and I read this story and I felt like this guy with the owies was a lot like my little girl seeking an answer for healing in her own skin. She doesn't have leprosy, but at times it almost feels that helpless. Seeing the eczema just move around her body, her skin attacking itself, her little face red and blotchy, has made us seek answers in many different places. I learn from Naaman that the answer isn't always easy or what you would expect. God provides healing when the time is right, and when He alone will receive the glory.

Today was our appointment with the allergist at Cedars-Sinai. He was kind and compassionate, listening to our journey with eczema and understood our issues with steroid creams. He seemed to go for a more holistic approach, not just analyzing the skin, but trying to understand what from within her little body, has been causing the eczema. Her constant runny nose really is an allergic reaction, but apparently her nose is wide enough to prevent her nasal passages from being stuffy! Thank you Sheu nose!

A skin prick test further confirmed that C is EXTREMELY allergic to dogs, and mildy allergic to cats and eggs. We didn't do peanuts since we already knew that one for sure, but she was negative for other common things like dairy and dust mites. The previous test did not bring up the egg and cat allergies, but I guess they were not as strong. We came away with an arsenal of new information and a daily regiment which includes (let's see if I can even remember this correctly):
-two antihistamines, including Singulair and Zyrtec, to be taken daily
-borage oil supplement
-Elidel for extreme eczema areas (non-steroid cream)
-probiotic supplements
-antibiotic ointment for any broken areas of the skin
-three suggestions for new emmollients - Albalene, Shikai Lotion, and Babytime Soothing Cream (I thought I'd tried every cream on the market, but never these three - the latter two are extremely well-reviewed on Amazon with testimonies of effectiveness on eczema)

We are advised to stay away from dogs and cats, and cut out anything egg and peanut from her diet. I think we've been doing those things already, but I didn't know she had an egg or cat allergy. Funny thing is that she doesn't even like eggs or peanut butter, which are the exact two things that my picky E will always eat. But the last allergist's test was a blood test, which didn't seem to be as accurate as the skin prick test.

Now I feel confident that we really know the triggers. She also seems to be allergic to her car seat lately, so I don't know what is going on with that, but I guess she just generally has a lot of sensitivities.

Lesson learned - it is always helpful to get a second opinion. I guess in a way, even Naaman did this. Praying that we'll receive healing just as he did, and that God alone receives the glory.

Day 31: Sanctuary

There's a song that I sing to the girls before bedtime. I'm not sure why I sing this song, but I've just always really liked it's simplicity.

Sanctuary
Lord, prepare me
To be a sanctuary
Pure and holy
Tried and true
With thanksgiving
I'll be a living
Sanctuary for you

I'd like this to be my mantra in life, and I guess I would love it if my girls followed in that pursuit. To live life as a place where God can be alive and active, that was not always clean, but through much refinement, is now a haven for the Lord to dwell in.

Day 30: Well-Oiled Machine

Today I picked C up from daycare to find her standing on the play structure in the yard, looking triumphant. Her hair had been pulled into two neat pigtails, with three elastics on each side that made it kind of elaborate. The teachers do hair so much better than I ever could! But once she saw me, she melted into a little pile of mush, wanting to be picked up the whole time, not wanting to not be touching my body for a split second. She was also incredibly hungry it seemed, and when she's hungry, she's like me. She gets PISSED!

Before I left for work, I'd made some salmon and rice to be topped with nori, and for some reason, sprinkling the nori onto her bowl made her a little crazy. This happens whenever we put cheese on her pasta too, or oatmeal in her bath like I said the other day. Pretty soon rice was all over the floor and me, she was arching her back and throwing a hissy fit and insisted on eating yogurt and cereal.

My girls have a funny dynamic. Lately, when one is being bad, the other tries to be really, really good. So the whole time C was having this little dinner episode, E decided to eat all her dinner quietly and then read her Frozen book by herself. As I did C's bath tonight, I heard her belting out "Let It Go" at the top of her lungs. I chuckled to myself. Then, as I read a few books to C before bed, E went into her room by herself and started reading the Bible quietly while sitting in her bed. (Ok, she can't read yet, but she looks at the pictures and mumbles words she thinks go with the story.) She stayed there for at least 10 minutes. It was pretty amazing.

Paul is in SF tonight for a business trip, and bedtime can be super tricky by oneself, but I think we are both used to it now both having to travel for work occasionally. In fact, this week was some pretty slick tag-teaming. I did bedtime on Monday when he went to a networking event; he did bedtime yesterday when I stayed late at work to do a makeup lesson; I'm doing it tonight and tomorrow, and he'll do it Friday when I work late. We call ourselves a well-oiled machine.

Eczema update: I applied apple cider vinegar and Vaniply on her back and torso in the morning, and today C's back and torso were way less red. So was her face. But her arms were in terrible shape, so dry that they were almost bleeding and peeling. She'd been wearing a t-shirt which means she was inevitably scratching. I guess I have to keep her in long pants and longs sleeves all the time, but it was nearly 90 degrees today! My heart sank when I saw the condition of her arms. Well luckily, last week I went on Amazon looking for some kind of baby gloves to keep her from scratching her hands and wrists at night. If the idea with wet wrap therapy is to seal in moisture, which means applying emollients right after bathing and then covering baby in her sleeper right away, I realize that the only part of her that is uncovered is her hands and face, which have both been pretty bad lately. She always rolls her sleeves up to scratch them at night. Her legs have mostly been good with this treatment. Tummy and back are another issue, but I still think those are related to steroid withdrawl since they look a little different than the rest of her eczema, and those are not typical eczema places.

Lo and behold, I found this and it showed up yesterday:

Sorry, the resolution is terrible on this tiny jpeg. But basically it's like a little baby bolero jacket with silk sleeves that are sewn together that you can put under or over pajamas. Who would've thought? Amazon has absolutely everything. Hoping it's a better $20 than the two types of coconut oil, jojoba oil, oatmeal bath, and every freaking eczema cream on the market that I've bought! 

I had ice cream and wine to close out the day. The two are not good together unfortunately. So I dumped the rest of the wine down the drain. It was kind of an old bottle anyway. The ice cream was fantastic, however - TJ's Cookie Butter Ice Cream. I think I deserve it (well, both really) for single-mommying today and tomorrow. Oh yes, and I even managed to play the guitar for about 45 minutes when a student cancelled. High five me. 

Day 29: Me Time

I had two students cancel today, so I took the opportunity to do some shopping. I rarely ever shop for myself these days; what once was a robust pastime has now become something of a chore. I never seem to have enough time to browse the sale racks, try a bunch of things on, and leisurely pick what I want. I know, first world problems. But it's true - there is very little "me time" built into my schedule. Work is pretty busy these days, and I'm not that crazy about online shopping unless I know exactly what I need. I rarely get out to the mall, and rather hate traffic and parking, so that's that. I'm kind of a  no-nonsense homebody now.

Well, we have this incredible trip planned at the end of April to Phuket for a friend's wedding - our first trip without the kids, thanks to the incredible babysitting services of my dear parents! So I found a dress for the wedding and a bunch of other casual tees and a sundress, along with a pair of new jeans. The salesguy was pretty impressed at my haul. I guess I still have it in me.

Day 28: Second Opinion

Perhaps when you surrender, the answers come. I'm not sure that I've surrendered everything yet - my anxiety, burden, desire to control. But I think it's a process.

My morning was a real blur - answering various work emails, doing some convention planning, and then of course, more eczema research. Found a doctor at Cedars-Sinai who is a leading allergist and comes highly recommended on my mom's group. I managed to get an appointment for Friday. It's always good to get a second opinion, right? Well, from what the other moms tell me, this allergist does not prescribe steroid creams for eczema! Yes, there are allergists out there who don't believe the easy, ineffective way out, and I'm excited to have found one. He is said to go with small doses of antihistamine, which is way milder than steroids, and some studies show that antihistamines can even prevent asthma in kids with allergies when they get older. I guess we'll see.

We realized tonight that C's favorite snack (TJ's Honey Wheat Pretzels) are made in a facility that processes peanuts. She eats a bunch of those every day. I have to get vigilant about checking labels. I'm not used to this! I buy a lot of TJ's products every week, and a friend that came over yesterday said they are notorious for sharing facilities in their food manufacturing. So, first step is to remove all the triggers to see if this flareup can continue to clear. Coconut oil did not go well. She really liked applying it, but it may have caused another flare-up. Oatmeal bath totally failed. She freaked out when we put the oatmeal powder into her bath, kind of like she freaks out when we put grated parmesan on her spaghetti. Not sure why that is. So we're going back to our apple cider vinegar + Vaniply combination and removing all peanut related foods to see if that will help. I'm also considering getting an industrial strength air purifier.

I know, got to be careful not to get crazy. But with concert season over, I have a lot more time on my hands. And we finished House of Cards Season 3 - so good.

Day 27: Surrender

I had to lay it all down again today. Not being able to control the situation with C's skin has been making me more anxious and worried than I need to be. Everything I'm doing is making it worse. Today we learned about surrendering, not speaking, just surrendering. I felt God asking me again, "Don't you trust me with this?" All I could think about during service today was C scratching her legs in the car this morning, saying, "Ouchie. Ouch!" It's killing me.

My kids are not my own - they belong to the Creator. I want to trust Him. But it's so hard. I want to control everything and know everything so badly. But I am not God. So I surrender this into His hands, I lay it down. And I pray for peace in my own mind and heart.

Day 26: Dog Party

Today we went to a friend's birthday party in which five of the guests happened to bring their dogs. Not that surprising in LA. I don't know how we can avoid exposing C to dogs in this city. They are absolutely everywhere. And she happens to love dogs, pointing at them and giggling. She didn't touch any of them, but her eczema flared on the way home and I felt sad. It's going to be a tough life avoiding man's best friend.

Day 25: Birds and the Bees

Last night, E asked me a question about her classmate's mom, who happened to be pregnant.

Me: Melody's mommy has a baby in her tummy.
E: Well, if you have a baby in your tummy, that means you ate a baby.
Me: No, that's not how babies get there.
E: Then where do babies come from?

Oh geez. I didn't expect to get this one so early on. This girl is too much.

Day 24: Shake it Off

I often get kind of depressed once I go into my annual season of concert hibernation. Trying to keep my mood up and stay motivated to keep practicing, but it's not happening this week. Went to a Pop Physique class today to boost my energy and trying to follow Taylor Swift's lead to "Shake It Off" since that's the song we did abs to today!

That's all. Going to pick up the kids early today because I had a pretty productive work day too.

Day 23: Peanuts and Dogs

The allergist called me today. He called while I was in the middle of texting with a parent that wanted a makeup lesson with about two hours notice. I was annoyed about that, and I thought it was the parent calling me. So I was a little surprised when I answered the phone. He said, "Cara is allergic to just two things." I held my breath. I don't know why I got nervous all of a sudden. "Peanuts...and dogs."

I expected the peanut allergy, but dogs??!! Poor Aiko. She's been living at my parents' house for about 6 months now, but this really made me sad. I love dogs, or at least I used to before I had kids! Dogs are so much better than cats. Why can't she be allergic to cats?

"Dogs? Not cats?" I asked the doctor.
"No, negative for cats," he said.

He asked me if had any other questions. I thought about last night's lengthy blog post and wondered if I should get into asking him why he denies the existence of topical steroid withdrawal. I said I didn't have any questions. He confirmed that we have another appointment in two months, and we hung up.

I am a coward. I didn't know where to begin. So like a good little girl, I did not say anything. I have many questions, actually, but I don't know where to start. The doctor is a really nice man, and I genuinely like him, but I don't know how to disagree with him without getting emotional. It's just a little too raw right now.

I am a coward.

Day 22: Deep Breath

I spent the entire morning reading websites and blogs about topical steroid addiction and withdrawl. It sucked me in, left me in tears, my heart breaking for other kids who have gone to dermatologists, been prescribed steroid creams in the blink of an eye, are now unable to cope without them. This is the cycle that countless other babies and toddlers with eczema are sucked into. They have mild eczema, so they get a topical steroid cream. The steroid cream helps for a time. It then loses effectiveness, so the doctor prescribes a stronger one. They get better for a time, but only while using the topical steroid. Soon their skin can't cope without it. When the child stops using the steroid cream, the rash spreads like crazy all over the body. The doctor diagnoses a stronger flare of eczema, and prescribes a different topical steroid. The cycle goes on and on.

When the child (or adult) finally stops using the steroid, the symptoms are no longer what we identify commonly as eczema. It is a bright red rash that occurs in places other than common eczema areas (knee pits, wrists, ankles, elbows). We are convinced that this is what C went through when we stopped using Triamcinalone, the topical steroid cream that our dermatologist prescribed for us. Her back and torso look exactly like some of the photos of other kids that have gone through this. I feel that we are lucky in that her whole experience was a mild one compared to other stories out there. It is frightening how much worse some other kids have had it, as demonstrated in these blogs: here and here and here. Families don't sleep for over a year; they don't leave their house; their kids only feel relief when sitting in a lukewarm bath. And dermatologists continue to deny the existence of topical steroid withdrawl because the "data" doesn't support it, not to mention that ceasing the prescription of topical steroid creams would be awfully bad for business. Now I'm not a medical doctor, but these stories and research are testimony to me that this is real. Granted, this does not happen all the time with patients who use topical steroids. But seeing my own daughter follow a course similar to exactly what is described in all these stories is real to me. C only used one steroid cream for about 9 months, intermittently, when it started to lose effectiveness. The cessation of the cream resulted in what we identified as withdrawl symptoms. Now imagine how much worse the story could be if we were on multiple steroid creams for years and years - that is what other people with eczema are dealing with. There is now an organization devoted to spreading the truth about topical steroids, and I hope that eventually there will be quantifiable research that supports this, and that the dermatological community will recognize that topical steroid addiction is real.

We've made a decision to no longer use topical steroids on C, and I am hoping that as time passes, her body will continue to heal. The most useful part of our appointment with the allergist yesterday was the blood tests to identify triggers. Once we know what she is really allergic to, if anything or possibly everything, we'll be able to try to control how much exposure she has to each food or allergen. One point the allergist made is that eczema and allergies are not dependent on each other - allergic reactions manifest themselves in the form of eczema for those who have it, but eczema is not always a result of allergies. Likewise, plenty of people have allergies but never have eczema. So this is part of the process for us, but not necessarily the solution.

After having a clearer idea of what is happening with C, I am feeling more confident that we can fight this and that her body will continue to heal. Her teachers at daycare have commented on how she is happier lately, and that whatever we are doing differently is working better (mostly apple cider vinegar, longer baths, lotion right after bathing). They haven't heard the whole story about how she just went through the worst part of what we believe is topical steroid withdrawl. But there are plenty of other methods of dealing with eczema, and I continue to pray that her little body will grow out of eczema, and that it will not have a permanent effect on her.

We are going to stick with homeopathic remedies for now. I ordered coconut oil and shea butter today to try some natural moisturizers. My faith in American medicine is at an all-time low. I am not going to give my daughter epinephrine every time she has an eczema flare. That could be countless times per day! She flares from things as simple as sitting in her carseat, and the doctors mean to tell me that putting more drugs onto and into her body are the answer every single time? Are these doctors going to be responsible for the long-term effects of these drugs? Are they going to be the ones that trace the effects on her immune system, her hormone production, her behavior?

No, that is our job as her parents, and I feel fiercely protective over her right now. Doctors do amazing things, but they are not always right, even ones that work at major hospitals in big cities.

I am angry and incensed at what I've read today. I sound like a crazy hippie, but I don't care. I will never stop being grateful for the current state of our health, for my husband's savvy in the area of drugs and pharmaceuticals, for our good sleep, and for a God that loves us and answers prayer. Taking a deep breath and feeling calmer than I was this morning. Moving forward. There is hope.

My pretty girl chowing down on her yogurt tonight

Day 21: The Allergist

Today was our long-awaited appointment with the pediatric allergist recommended to me by another mom with an eczema baby. This was the first doctor's appointment in a long time that I or any of my kids have had that didn't feel like a waste of time.

LA Children's Hospital is on Sunset Blvd right in between Silver Lake and Hollywood. It's a bright, airy building that has life-sized colorful blocks outside and my favorite thing with two kids - valet parking. With this doctor being so incredibly difficult to get an appointment with, I had no choice but to take an 8am Monday appointment. Not an ideal time; since daylight saving's time, the girls easily sleep until 7:15-7:30 (C sometimes sleeps until 8) and we are still in pajamas at 8am, not getting to school until 9am. An 8am appointment meant that I'd have to leave by 7:30 to account for rush hour traffic. And of course, E insisted on coming with us and not being dropped off at school, so I had to get two little girls into the car to get somewhere on time. Well, I had to wake up C - I walked into her room and she was sleeping sideways in her little crib, snoozing away at 7:15. It took a lot to wake her (I never wake my kids up, ever!) - I went from gently saying her name to having to shake her and lift her out of bed because she was sleeping so deeply! She definitely is her father's daughter!

The doctor actually listened to me talk on and on about the history of her eczema and everything that we've tried to battle it. As we talked, E asked for a snack and I pulled two granola bars out of my purse - one chocolate and one peanut butter. E chose the chocolate one so I gave the peanut butter one to C.

Now, I have never bought these peanut butter granola bars before. Paul got them when they went to TJ's this weekend and I was away. C promptly started eating it, which I was glad about because it kept her quiet for the 20 minutes or so that I talked to the doctor. He asked if we knew of any allergies. I replied that I'd never noticed anything that made her eczema flare except citrus fruits. 

He explained to me that kids with eczema need longer baths, not shorter baths as my pediatrician had told me. Her baths had to be 10-15 minutes long (rather than our usual 3-5) so her skin could absorb water. Eczema skin has trouble retaining water in it, and has high amounts of staphylococcus bacteria, so the trick was to have a long lukewarm bath, followed immediately by a thorough application of an emollient (we use Vanicream). 

Then I noticed that C had finished her peanut butter granola bar, and was scratching. Her neck was turning red and she was saying "Ouchie. Owie. Owie! Owie!" and scratching the places that flare up when her eczema is triggered - her belly, back, and neck. I looked at the wrapper of the granola bar that I was holding. She hasn't had anything with peanuts for awhile - unlike her sister, she hates peanut butter sandwiches.

Could it be this simple that all this time my kid has been allergic to the food that is the most common food allergy of all, and I never had her tested because our pediatrician and dermatologist told me that her eczema isn't food related? 

The allergist observed her scratching and seemed to get interested. "I'm going to give her a shot," he said. He returned with two nurses, one holding a shot of something. 

I hadn't asked what the shot was, as C's crying was pretty loud at that point, and E was tugging on my arm saying, "I want milk. Milk. Millllkkkkkkk!" I had left the diaper bag with all our snacks and drinks in the car and was feeling a bit frazzled. 

After the shot, the doctor told us he wanted to observe C for two hours. We were sent into a little playroom waiting area that had a TV and every dozens of kids' movies on DVD and lots of toys. The girls kept busy watching Curious George and building train tracks. C was looking pale, paler than I had ever seen her. She normally has a redish hue on her cheeks from the eczema. But she was happy, bouncing around smiling, saying "Bye-Bye!" to every one that walked by. She seemed buzzed.

The nurse came by to check her vitals. "The shot will make her a little hyper," she said. "It's epinephrine." 

We then were asked to get C's blood drawn to test for various allergies. So we'll find out in a week if she is indeed allergic to the most common things (eggs, dairy, peanuts, dust, pollen, etc.)

I have to say that watching her skin clear up so quickly and seeing her get all happy and giddy from a drug injection was a weird experience. On one hand, I felt so sad - like that was supposed to be her "normal" state of being, no more itching, no more redness, no more irritation. I love it when she's happy. She's such a delight - sweet, funny, cuddly, adorable. But it seemed terrible that it took this drug injection to get back there, and that everything else we've ever done couldn't beat the immediate effects of the beloved epipen.

I then got home and told Paul all about my experience at the doctor's office, and he was in disbelief that they would give her epinephrine because of an eczema flareup. I was also in disbelief that the Target pharmacy asked me for a $405 co-pay for two epipens. After a long discussion, we are still wary of trying a new steroid cream that this doctor has prescribed. Paul is convinced that the horrible rashes she has had on her back and tummy this past month were from steroid withdrawl after we took her off of triamcinalone. I told the doctor this today, and he politely dismissed that idea, saying that withdrawl does not happen in young children. He then prescribed us a lower strength steroid cream, which happened to be out of stock at our Target pharmacy.

So who to believe? Doctor who deals out drugs like it's Christmas morning? My extremely knowledgeable husband who has made a career out of analyzing the drug industry? Our daycare teacher who swears by apple cider vinegar? I don't know who to believe anymore. One of the topical creams that the allergist prescribed today has a cancer warning and says it should not be used in children under 2, so our insurance did not cover it. I walked out of Target with a bunch of hand soap and t-shirts, not wanting to pay $405 for two epipens.

I don't know if we have more answers now than before, but I am looking forward to seeing the results of her lab tests and we will see if longer baths help, even though she hates baths. I only wish she could be who God made her to be all the time instead of having these irritations to deal with. I wish it so badly and I can't help but feel that perhaps the American pharamaceutical industry is preying on my desire to have my child be happy. We left Children's Hospital with no lollipops - instead, they gave our full-fledged age appropriate toys, which the girls were ecstatic about. There was also a McDonald's inside the hospital, though we didn't go there. Something just doesn't feel right. 

Day 20: No place like home

Being Mommy is 100% more tiring than playing a concert. The kids were running me into the ground within two hours of me getting home. And they seem bigger, cuter, and more articulate only after a few days of being away. Cara seemed to know more words than before, saying "apple" and "yoyurt" very clearly. E was telling me elaborate stories of her weekend play date and rattled off a detailed list of everything they had bought at Trader Joe's yesterday. There's no place like home.

Day 19: Back to Being Mommy

I'm a little late on this one. Slept maybe 2 hours last night after some late night food with the other festival artists, and then got up for a very early flight at 5am. Wow, I am getting too old for this. Yesterday was a very chill day. There was no round table discussion, so we had a nice lunch and browsed two art galleries, then went to the very beautiful concert given by the Moller-Fraticelli Duo. Had some very wonderful conversations with the other guitarists, which bounced between various topics - from God to politics to parenting and everything in between. Musicians are special people and during those late night hangouts at every guitar festival I go to, I am reminded that God put them on this earth for such a special reason- to bring beauty to other people's ears.

I am now sitting on the runway at LAX, waiting for our plane to slowly move to the gate. We've been here for awhile, and don't seem to be moving. So thankful to be home. Now the real work begins - back to being mommy. I can't wait to see everyone.

Day 18: Hibernation is upon me.

Phew! And that's a wrap. Last concert of the season under my belt, and it feels good. Tonight, in a quick self-assessment, I would say that things went pretty well.I had a few moments where my concentration may have lapsed - once in Presti's Danse Rhythmique, where I repeated a section for no reason, and once at the end of Clarice Assad's The Last Song where I couldn't find my C harmonic for the life of me and played a bunch of random notes until I finally found a C, any C to end the damn thing. But it's done, and I think it was pretty well-received. I signed a few CDs, had some wings (they're just wings here, not Buffalo wings - and they were freaking good!) with the rest of the festival crew, and it was an all around good time. One random guy greeted me with the phrase, "I follow you on Twitter..." That was a little creepy.

Ready for retirement - or hibernation. Either one. Good night.

Day 17: Airport Entry

Blogging from the Newark airport, where I’ve had a 2 hour layover on my way to Buffalo. It is cold and bleak here on the East Coast. I haven’t even left the airport and I can feel it. When I left LA this morning, it was almost 80 degrees at 10am. What a stark change in scenery. I’m very glad that this festival wasn’t scheduled for last weekend, when it was below 10 degrees and they got another foot of snow. I really hate snow. SoCal has spoiled me silly.

I found a quiet place near my gate and took out my guitar to run through my program. The folks around were mostly people that worked at the airport, and most of them smiled at me as I played.  A few made it a point to come up to me and say, “You play good,” or “That sounds great!”

When I started playing, I was thinking about how the life of a traveling musician is way less than glamorous sometimes. Bad food, waiting in airports, missing my family. Then as I started playing, it just felt like home, and I had one of those moments where I just felt joy in knowing that I love playing the guitar and was reminded that it is a privilege to share it with others. I hope I lifted the spirits of at least one of those airport workers, and that their day was a little less hard because they heard some guitar being played in a quiet corner of the airport.

Looking forward to getting there and get some rest tonight – all I did on the first flight was watch two movies (a rare treat) and I’m still exhausted!

Day 16: Leaving again

Leaving for Buffalo tomorrow. Packing done. Girls' lunches packed. List on the door of what to bring to school. Oh yes, and concert will be ready. Not stressed about this one. Hopefully that doesn't backfire. I will say confidently (not an easy thing to do) that I'm going to play my heart out. Here's to Women of the Guitar! Can't think of a more appropriate festival to play my program.

Day 15: Daily Ritual

We are loving the new season of House of Cards. I think Kevin Spacey is winning me over. Every night, after the kids are down, the dishes are done, and the lunches are made, we've been settling down in our respective places on the couch for the next episode. I think it's actually made me more productive during the day because I've been getting all my work done as quickly as I can and looking forward to this nice hour of the day where I can just relax. I'm not good at relaxing, and this show is helping quite a bit! Might not be the best thing to do the week of a concert, but what can I say - I'm hooked.

Day 14: Small Victories

We have a new staple meal in the house. Scrambled egg over rice with nori. E came home starving today, took one look at the beef and broccoli I'd made, made a big frown, and promptly declared, "I want something else. I don't want this!"

Meal planning has been a source of stress ever since E decided she would eat about 25% of the things she had eaten all her life. Her primary reasons for not eating certain things are because they are the wrong color. She dislikes yellow food - so no pasta with a yellow tinge, no bananas. I think pineapple is the only exception on that one. And eggs. She doesn't like brown food either, unless it's chocolate. And she generally does not eat much meat, except for kalbi and bacon, both of which are sort of brown. So her whole paradigm doesn't really make sense, but then again, what about the mind of a three-year old does? (I think if I had to pick two meats to eat, those would be my picks too. So maybe we're not all that different.)

Anyway, I suppose tonight was a small victory that I created a new meal for her that was not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and had some kind of protein in it - even, dare I say, a vegetable. Does nori count as a vegetable? Probably only as much as ketchup does. She ate every last bite of her dinner tonight.

Day 13: Teachability

Today was a packed day. We got thrown off by daylight saving's time - everybody woke up late and before we knew it, we had missed 9am service. So we went to Whole Foods and did some grocery shopping and had a late breakfast; then I took E to 12pm service since C still has a mild case of pink eye. I was exhausted from the grocery run since both kids insisted on walking (well, running) through the store, pulling random things off shelves, dancing in the aisles, and I was chasing after them wishing that I had just gone shopping alone.

So I thought about skipping church, but we had said that I was going to take E to church and if we'd stayed home she probably would have just spent two hours watching TV or something. I'm glad I did. Today Tim was preaching on Job 32. His main question was: Are you teachable? Or have difficult circumstances made you feel justified in your sinfulness?

I will confess now that I am not naturally teachable when it comes to my own character. I am stubborn, prideful, often very hesitant to admit my weaknesses. I get defensive when my motives are questioned. I shut down when I'm hurt or have to express my deepest feelings on the spot. Today's sermon really applied to me, and I thought immediately about an argument that Paul and I had a few weeks ago. It was about a small issue, but made me think about a bigger issue in my own heart.

We had arrived at church one Sunday, and I was trying to get E out of the car seat. The car next to us was parked really closely to us. I opened the car door, letting it gently make contact with the adjacent car's door. Paul noticed and asked me not to let our car's door touch the other car. He said he had noticed that I had done the same thing when we were out the day before, and didn't like it. People in LA can be pretty protective over their cars, and he thought that allowing contact to happen between our car and another was inviting conflict. Fair enough.

I immediately got defensive, saying I was careful when I opened the door and didn't slam it into the other car - I had gently rested our car door touching the other car door. How else was I supposed to get my kid out of the car? To make a long story short, the rest of the conversation didn't go very well between the two of us, and as sometimes happens, we started arguing over a little thing that became an argument about a bigger picture issue, often about our communication styles. Paul felt that I wasn't listening to him, that I was being unnecessarily defensive, and that I wasn't taking his feedback well. He felt like I disregarded him. I felt that he was making a big deal about something very small, and that shouldn't the whole world understand that I'm just trying to get my kid out of the car? I really didn't care about the other cars or the people that owned them, and I didn't understand why he cared enough to have to talk about it.

Well, here's where I realized that I have this new attitude now about people. I don't care much about other people when it has to do with making my life with kids easier. I'd like the closest parking spot, the first place in any line, the empty seat on a plane, the best booth at a restaurant - you name it, and I'll tell you I need it because, oh poor me, having little kids is so hard. I think I've developed an entitlement in being a parent of two kids in that I feel like everything is difficult enough, so anyone who is not making it easier to deal with everyday life with kids should just get out of my way. My Mama Bear energy is ready to bulldoze anyone that makes anything less convenient for me. And don't even get me started on how protective I can get. This Mama Bear has claws, and they ain't pretty.

So, Mama Bear is going unchecked. Mama Bear has attitude. Mama Bear is not doing a very good job loving others. Mama Bear was an impatient person to begin with, and now has even less patience for stopping and having a teachable moment. Mama Bear does not want to confess her bad attitude. Mama Bear thinks she's untouchable when she's wearing her mama hat because isn't being a mama some elevated role for women in the Bible? Can mama really do wrong when her intentions have everything to do with providing a good life for the kids?

Here is where I am wrong, very wrong. It is so easy to idolize your own children sometimes and put them on a pedestal far above everyone and everything else in the entire world. It is so easy to let parenting justify whatever action or thought that wants to come out just because parenting feels hard sometimes. And although this thing about the car door may have been a small issue, where I am really wrong is in building these fortified walls around my heart that were supposed to make me tougher or stronger as a mom, but are really just backfiring and making me a pretty cold and irritable person at times. And my poor husband knows this better than anyone. Today God reminded me of this moment. I think he wanted to tell me that in any obstacle or difficult circumstance, whether my kids are running buck wild through Whole Foods or not, that loving God comes first and with loving God means loving His people. It means loving Him enough to listen to Him, to receive Him, to stop pushing Him away and thinking I can do everything on my own. Because Lord help me, I can't.

Day 12: On Being Important

What a nice Saturday was. I need these weekends so badly with the kids now that they're in full-time care. Being away last weekend made me feel like I hadn't seen them in ages.

It's funny how quickly a workday can go by, and how slowly a day taking care of kids go by. When I looked at the clock this morning, I thought surely it must almost be naptime, and it was only 10am. I think that means I'm kind of rusty at being mommy all day. Despite the fact that we spend less time together than we used to, I can still see how important I am to both of them, and it astounds me. There is just something about mommy that makes a kid their worst and best self all at the same time - from letting all the tantrums loose to all the "I love yous" that I could possibly bear. I am so important to them, and it humbles me and burdens me at the same time. I'm learning this as I navigate how many guitar related things I can take on. I had a choice to go see an important concert tonight, but wanted to be home to put them down instead of rushing out right after dinner. And as I read the fifth book to E tonight, I savored how important it was for me to be with her at that moment. She gave a substantial fight tonight in getting ready for bed, but was sweet at the end. Knowing I have to leave for another trip on Thursday makes me sad, but also reminds me that I cherish our time together so much more knowing how it feels to be gone.

Day 11: Finally, Friday

I'm tired. We had juries this week, and I sat through five hours of good and bad guitar playing. Pretty brutal. Accepted one new student today. Hope she's good (yes, another girl). In the middle of juries, daycare called me twice saying that C had pink eye. Then I check FB and see cute pictures of her playing. Hmmm. Paul picks her up early to find one modestly goopy eye, but nothing else. Just another week in the life of toddlerhood.

Day 10: Someone with Feet

It's one of those nights. We had just settled in front of the TV to watch episode 4 of the new season of House of Cards, ice cream in hand, when I heard a moan from E's room. She seemed extremely tired tonight, and I was proud to get her down on a school night by 8:15. But now she's complaining that she doesn't want to be alone, and Paul is in her room face down, pretending to be asleep at the foot of her bed. Well, by now he's probably not pretending...

Now it's almost 10pm and he's still in there with his face down. I can hear them whispering together and counting, and once in awhile he sings a hymn. I remember now that this hasn't happened for awhile - we've had a good 6 month stretch where she's been faithfully going to bed and staying there. Not sure what has triggered this, but inside, I am smiling as I watch my dear husband patiently troubleshoot this and also feel just a little bit glad that our little girl is still little and needs us so much, just today. Now if it gets to be midnight and I'm the one in there, I won't be so happy about it. But for now, I'll delight in this anecdote:

E: I want a grown-up in my room.
Me: Big Ninny is a grown-up. She's Bear-Bear's mom. She's right here next to you.
(Big Ninny is what she calls her giant Hello Kitty doll. It's round and ball-shaped, larger than a soccer ball).
E: Well, I want someone with feet.

Day 9: Little Lovey Dovey

E has been quite verbal in her affections for her us lately. She frequently looks at us with a sweet smile, tilts her head to one side, and says in a very high voice, "Mommy, I LOVE you. I really, really, really LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU!" She then proceeds to hug and kiss me profusely. Same to the rest of the family. "Daddy, I LOVE YOU. I love Cara. I love Jesus! Cara loves Jesus!" When all combinations of everyone loving everyone else and Jesus are exhausted, she then continues to gaze lovingly at us. "I love it when you're here! I love our family! You are the mommy I've always wanted. I love you just the way you are!"

It can be a little suffocating at times, but it is the sweetest thing and I'll take it over her behavior half a year ago or a year ago any day. 3 1/2 is a pretty magical age sometimes. Lately, she actually listens to me when I ask her to get changed or go to bed, and though it takes awhile sometimes, she is mostly delightful and it seems that tantrums are a thing of the past for the most part. I think it's empowering for her to be able to verbalize her feelings so well, and to know that she is absolutely overflowing with love is pretty amazing.

Day 8: What to ask for?

I have seen God answer powerfully in my life when we focus on 40 days of something. In 2008, I fasted meat for 40 days and we saw God answer by relocating us to LA. Last year, at the end of 40 days of blogging we found a house.

I'm not listing this to toot my own horn, but to remember God's faithfulness in my life. I'm praying that at the end of this 40 days we will find ways to make C's eczema more manageable. Today the allergist's office called me back and said we were approved to make an appointment - yes, it required pre-consulation with our ped to even schedule an appointment. If this doctor can't help us, I don't know who can. He was trained at the country's leading hospital in eczema research (Jewish National Hospital in Denver) and is a pediatric allergist and immunologist. If he gives us steroid cream and tells me that she'll grow out of it, I will eat my hat.

The appointment is not for another two weeks - that's the soonest they had - so in the meantime, we will continue the new apple cider vinegar regiment and see how things go. Watching, waiting, and praying. And oh yes, another concert next weekend. Not time to retire yet...

Day 7: An apple a day

Yesterday, C was eating an apple slice and slobbering it all over her chin and neck. Paul noticed that the areas where the apple slobber landed were soothing the redness of her eczema rash. We quickly googled "apples" and "eczema" and sure enough, the all-knowing internets told us that apples have anti-inflammatory properties. Paul then remembered that his mom and grandma used to put apple peels on their skin for some kind of Korean folkloric dermalogical purposes. I think they were onto something.

We put some some apple on her face after bath. She thought it was weird and did not like it one bit. But when she woke up this morning, the right side of her face was pale and clear in a way that I hadn't seen it for days. The left side (it was worse to begin with) still had some red bumps, but nothing as severe as she had had this past couple weeks. Perhaps the rain helped too. I'm thankful for a little relief for our girl. She was so adorable today, asking me if my arm had an "ouchie?" too. Hopefully this newly discovered homeopathic remedy will help! Apple cider vinegar is apparently even better, as it doesn't have the sugar in it. We diluted some with water and put it on the red bumpy rash on her back tonight. I'm skeptical but hopeful.

Day 6: On Performing

This may be a series of posts in which I process performing. There is just too much to formulate all at once, and it's such an integral part of what I am doing in life right now that I often lack self-awareness about it. But I'll try for a few minutes right now to get some of these thoughts out while they're still fresh.

There is pretty much one reason why I play the guitar in public. It's that quote from Chariots of Fire- "When I run, I feel God's pleasure." There is no other reason that I would do this to myself voluntarily - to have to get up on stage, throw my heart out at strangers, spend every ounce of my free time practicing, and be vulnerable in front of a large group of people on one of the most exposing and intimate instruments in existence. I am not a person that naturally likes the limelight. Sometimes I think about performing and I want to grow a turtle shell, hide away, and never come out. Some days I declare to Paul, "After this one, I'm going to retire."

Now, if you attended my concert last night, you would probably not ever think this. I am now well-seasoned enough in the art of performing that I can hide my fear of playing in public extremely well, and it might even seem like I'm having a good time playing classical guitar for an hour on a stage. This is not totally false - I do enjoy it, and there are moments where I have never heard the music the way that I can when performing, because the senses are so much more acute in a pressured situation. There's no way to really prepare for the challenges of the pressured situation except to just do it, do it, and do it again. So I've done it, and done it, and I'll do it again, hopefully my whole life. It is often so hard for me to keep going, to work up new repertoire, to keep getting up on stage and presenting myself and the music that I play in some kind of beautiful way, but I do it because I know God is pleased when He sees me trusting him and taking this challenge. I feel like every concert I do is a bit of a freefall. I jump, I fall backwards, I close my eyes, and then I dive in. And He always catches me.

Yesterday, a giant rainbow was stretched over the city of San Bruno. As I drove through the drizzling rain to get to the church, weaving through residential areas and wondering if my GPS was leading me astray, I noticed that as I followed the route to the church that the rainbow was getting larger. As I drove up to the church, the rainbow was at its largest viewpoint yet, with one side of it looking like it was coming right out of the roof of the church. It was completely strange.

The concert started and I felt a wave of peace watch over me. As I was playing Bach last night, I truly felt like I was in some kind of other dimension. My mind was almost empty - that clear state that is normally so hard to get to where there was nothing but musical lines going through my heart and mind instead of self-deprecating, negative talk. I felt peace to trust and to worship and to love that moment dearly, and I felt an intense joy. The promise of the rainbow stuck with me. Through this storm of preparation, the result could be utter beauty coming out of my fingers. And I think God was pleased.

Day 5: Rainbow Day

Today was concert day in the Bay Area. I'm too tired to write in detail about it, but it went well and God greeted me with a rainbow when got to the concert venue.

And my sweet husband left me these cute pictures in my guitar case. What a trooper he is for taking the kids all weekend.

Feeling so blessed to be doing what I love..